depression and loss of interest in everything after breakeup

[Bibis-]

hi everyone, I don’t really know how this service works. I’d like to know if someone experienced something similar as me.

I’ve been struggling with depression for almost 2 years. Around 2 years ago, I went through a miscarriage, and a few weeks later, my partner of 11 years told me that he wanted to break up with me. It was just… out of the blue. In the morning, he kissed me goodbye when I left for work, everything was normal. in the evening, he informed me he was leaving me, without much explanation. After breaking the news to me, he moved out the following day, and I never saw him again.

I was left shocked, and unable to accept and understand what had happened.

Up to that moment, he had been a great, supportive, loving partner for 11 years (aged 19 to 30). The only family I had ever had. We had been dreaming about growing our family for years. the miscarriage was very hard on us, but we didn’t lost hope, and- I thought- we were ready to try again. Apparently though, he wasn’t.

After the sudden breakup, I fell into severe depression. I was often suicidal. I couldn’t stay in our house, the memories were killing me. Slowly, through the following months, the pain, the shock and sadness got a little bit better.

But I was left, like… a zombie.

I’m not sad, but I’m never happy either. I don’t feel anything. I don’t have any plans for my future. I don’t enjoy the small things in life anymore. Like, I don’t wear makeup, I don’t cook for myself, I don’t decorate my house….

I’m like, a body that keeps living, but without a soul inside of it. I tried to go on dates, but I didn’t care about those people in the slightest.

My friends are fed up with me I guess, or simply, they can’t understand why after 2 years I feel like this.

They think I should be eager to try to build a new life for myself. To Start from scratch. Find a new relationship. Try to have children, before it’s biologically too late. I had always wanted to be a mother so much.

Now, I have no interests in those things at all. Sometimes, I miss my family. What had been my family: My ex partner, that I loved more than my own life. The kids we had been planning for, the names already picked. The nursery room already furnished.

I don’t want another family. I don’t want another man, I don’t want other kids. I don’t want another life.

I know rationally, it doesn’t make sense.

if I could, I’d like to have my life back. To be able to hug the only man that I have ever loved, to hold his hand once again. I’d love to snuggle up on the sofa, and watch our kids play.

I would trade a lifetime with anyone else, for the chance to kiss him one last time, and say goodbye.

I know that this won’t be possible, and I don’t want anything else. I don’t care.

I just want to get through what I have left to live, as quick as possible, and finally, Rest In Peace.

If anyone has ever experienced such an intense loss of interest in everything, except for patiently awaiting for one’s death… please, let me know. Sometimes I’m sad to think that maybe, I’m the only crazy one in the world.

[RupertBrown]

I am so sorry for everything you have been through, it sounds awful. I wish I had a magic solution. I have lost all interest in anything and been in this zombie state you describe. It was a slow process digging my way out and I'm still working on it, but there is always hope, even if you can't see it. Go easy on yourself, you will get there. Sending you courage and strength.

[Bibis- in reply to RupertBrown]

thanks Rupert, I don’t really see a way out, but simply knowing that other people had felt that way, is a consolation. I wish you to keep finding your way out

[RupertBrown in reply to Bibis-]

"I’m not sad, but I’m never happy either. I don’t feel anything. I don’t have any plans for my future. I don’t enjoy the small things in life anymore." This statement described me perfectly for years. My reasons were much different than yours but the end result was pretty similar. It sounds to me like you've lost your sense of self. You had such a huge part of your identity tied up in this relationship and your plans for its future (understandably so) that now that the relationship and the plans are gone, so too is your identity. It really can feel like being a body without a soul. Its hard to see a way forward when you are at such a low point. I had to start small when trying to find myself again. Its going to sound ridiculous, but for me it started with squirrels. I would stop at a park in the morning on my way to work and drink my coffee, have a cigarette and watch the squirrels. They were the only thing that brought me any kind of joy at all for a while. I started going for walks, then hikes. Hiking led to taking nature pictures, which led to starting to draw again, and after a while I had interests and hobbies again. I began weightlifting again. I started feeling like a normal person from time to time. This whole process took almost two years, so I'm not promising quick results or anything at all, for that matter. Its just an example, I'm hoping you can take something useful away from this. Either way, wishing you the best and I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Bibis- in reply to RupertBrown]

thanks, it does help, hearing other people stories. I walked such a similar path as yours. I tried to take up hobbies. I write, I paint, I run. I walk/jog/run through parks in my city, or alongside the river. I often stop by the river and I watch- hold on because I’m going to make you laugh- some big water rats that live by the river in my area. everyone thinks they’re disgusting. My friends think I’m crazy. They’re like, where are you going? And I’m like, yeah, just going for a walk and observing water rats.

If they hadn’t me committed to a psychiatric ward before, now they’re seriously considering it 😅

Sometimes through those everyday things I get a slight sense of… existence. That I still exist.

It’s still, not much. Most times I feel like, what’s left of me? beside being my boyfriend’s partner and the mother of his children, what am I? What is left of me?

Sight-seeing water rats?

I am the shadow of the lively, hopeful person that I used to be. I’m a ghost that float through life without a real purpose.

I hope starting from these small things, will eventually get me to a better place… mental health wise. It’s taking a looong time.

Thanks for taking the time to answer and share your own experience. I wish you all the best as well, that you find yourself and your path in life ❤️

[RupertBrown in reply to Bibis-]

You saw my squirrels and raised me water rats! Hahaha. Poker jokes aside, I am sorry your path is so long arduous. Just know you always have us in your corner, for whatever that's worth. Wishing you the best.

[Bibis-]

thanks twinklystar for your reply, I do hope that you are feeling better now, after your past struggles. Don’t worry about typing, we can understand anyway! I took anti depressant for months but I don’t find they help. Maybe it’s just my nature I don’t know 🤦🏼‍♀️ I tend to be haunted by the past

[Broken327]

I literally just went through something similar. I'm so sorry for your losses. For me I'm working with a therapist and talking here. It seems to be helpful knowing we are not alone. Life isn't grand yet but baby steps things are slowly improving. Don't give up hope.

[Raggedy-Ann]

Oh boy, I feel ya. I lost a baby, then my job and my husband. I divorced a man I loved deeply. I still love him 20 years later. I had one other long term relationship since then where I wasn't treated well. I tried some dating in between. Now I am mourning the life I wanted. I don't have kids or a man. I own my home which is like one thing I got right. I've given up on trying to find a man. I have 3 little dogs. I stick around for them, waiting....

[Bibis- in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

Hi raggedy Ann, thanks for your reply. All of the replies I got really helped me getting through yesterday evening, you guys have been so helpful. Talking to other people helps getting through the worst moments.

I’m sorry for your losses as well. I totally feel you when you say, “I am mourning the life I wanted”.

I also feel this way. My house feels like it’s full of ghosts. The ghosts of all the happy moments I had, of the dreams that I used to have. The ghosts of what could have been…. The empty spot where a baby’s cot was supposed to go. The silence, when I get home at night and no one is there, and seeing the pictures of all of my friends happy, with their spouses and children, on social media. Whereas I’m left alone with my silence and my grief.

It’s been so painful going through this, I don’t even want to start it all over again. I miss the family that I used to have, and the person that I used to be, but that person is no more 😔

I own my house as well, as you I’m trying to make it as decent as possibile, trying to hold onto a little glimpse of something good in my life. Something that wasn’t a complete failure.

I wish you all of the best. Feel free to write here and ask for support or just a chat if you ever need to ❤️

[DodgeDhanda]

Hi Bibis.

Firstly I'm sorry that you suffered one of the biggest low's that life can throw at us all but mainly the ladies who carry the child .

Now I'm upset at you to a degree BUT i know exactly why you feel the way you do.

So firstly if you dont care or you dont love you before the man who walked away from you for possibly thinking he couldnt cope with it if it happened again. Not once did he put U before him & thats what is maddening ..... IT'S TIME YOU LOVED YOU BEFORE ALL ELSE !!!

I dont want you to wallow in ur own BS & I wish you would give urself a shake of the head & make you realise that the love you have for ur ex is no longer needed & you need to empty ur heart of it & that way U can put love for urself in ur heart first. If he was family then WHY did he walk away ? Family are there through thick & thin. Its not ur fault he couldnt communicate properly with you !!! Sorry if this reads as im attacking U but only U can truly help u & others can only guide U.

After 16+ years of marriage my now ex wife walked out on me & the kids & i had a breakdown but i knew i had to be strong for my daughters & this was 19+ years ago. It is hard to put urself first but i found that by giving myself some love every morning first then when it overflowed it went on my kids & it still does & both my girls are in their 20s.

Listen 1st step is the hardest but its also the single most important step too. Even if U see a therapist its U that has to do all the work , theyre just the one that guides U & gives U homework.

Again im not attavking U I'm offering some tough but honest words. They journey to get U some love & happy is a long journey with many setbacks but as long as U get up & keep moving forward it will all click.

There are some great people in this group who can help you & will help guide U

I do hope u do put U 1st & i wish U love & light on ur journey

[HopelessRN]

Hi Bibis. Thanks for sharing. You are definitely not alone. I am still trying to slowly get out of my depressiom following a 2 yr breakup. I mnow 2 yrs vs 11 doesnt sound compatible, but I literally felt all the things you described. I felt so empty. I felt like I had nothing left. I even went to his house and literally begged him to take him back telling him. It didnt work. Just made me leave in tears feeling more foolish. I hate when people try to say oh, its been x amount of years, you should be over it by now. I find it hurtful and not very understanding. When your entire life was surrounding another person and they are no longer there, it affects you dramatically. I was also suicidal and called the hotline to get through the night. I cried all day long, didnt shower, barely ate. My advice is to take it one day at a time. Take baby steps. You will have days when you feel like your getting better, and days where you revert back feeling terrible again. It WILL get better. Please do not harm yourself. Dont give that asshole that satisfaction. Cry-as much as you need too. Pray-if your religious. Also, write down all the thoughts and feelings you are having about the situation. That kind of helped a little since I felt I had no one in my life that truly understood what I was going through. If you have a doctor,maybe consider taking an antidepressant. I hope this helps. *hugs*

[Bibis- in reply to HopelessRN]

hi hopelessRN and thanks for your reply. I’m sorry if I keep repeating myself, but I want to answer to you all…

I, like you, hit the lowest soon after our breakup. I was barely recovering from the grief of losing the little life inside of me, when I was informed my partner was leaving me as well. For days I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink, I didn’t get up from my sofa, as you said. I tried to text and call my ex partner but he never replied.

When my sister came to my home after 2 days, she found me still wearing the same work uniform I came home in, 2 days before.

I also called emergency hotlines, a few times. It helped.

I did cut myself, as well. I didn’t write it in the post, but I did. I had struggled with self-harm as a teenager, when I was going through some other grief, and abuse- but it was long gone! I never thought that darkness would come back… but it did. Now, I stopped cutting myself.

I went to doctors, I took anti depressants. Now yes, maybe it is a little bit better. I don’t feel so much PAIN anymore, but just a sense of emptiness. Lack of interest, lack of purpose. As if I’m an empty shell.

My friends and sibling are good people, I know they mean well, but they don’t understand. They think I can simply be happy alone, or rush to find another partner and be happy with them. They don’t see the problem. why can I miss that person specifically, when there are so many others?? Why can’t I find someone else I like? Why do I struggle with trusting people… or simply with finding them interesting??

I don’t know, it’s been 2 years, I must be a hopeless case 😅

They hadn’t tried it, though. They don’t know how it would feel, if they came home one day, and find their partners and kids gone. What would be left of them? Would they just brush it off, and start it all over again? Would they be broken inside? 🤷🏼‍♀️ Who knows. I guess everyone of us react differently, to the struggles that life places on our paths…

I hope you are well ahead of me, in our journey to building ourselves again. Building our lives again.

That you can find empathy from your friends, and the people around you, and from us, strangers on the internet. If you ever want to chat about something, we’re here