My son is 22 now, but has been battling depression and anxiety since he was 15 years old. He has dropped out of college, and his depression has been really bad this past year. When he was younger and dropped out of high school, he went to a school refusal program which helped him finish high school. He experienced the same troubles when he went to college. It seems every three years or so he gets "manic", and it lasts almost a year. I have convinced him to attend an intensive, outpatient program in which they have changed his meds and he has all new doctors and therapists now. He is back to being passively suicidal, and wants to quit program. With him being an adult, it is hard to get him admitted into the hospital. Can anyone give me some feedback? What else can I try to help him? I'm really at a loss.
Mother of a depressed 22 year old - Anxiety and Depre...
Mother of a depressed 22 year old
If he gets "manic" and depressed, he might have bipolar disorder. Then he needs to take appropriate meds for starters.
Thank you. I have thought about that as well as borderline personality disorder. I'm waiting to see if the new psychiatrists diagnose either of these. He doesn't have the "highs" I have read about with bipolar but I am not a mental health professional so really don't know. Thank you for your input. I really do appreciate it.
Dear upsetmamma,
I am so sorry about what YOU are going through, too...I know that has got to be so very rough...I am proud of you for writing and contacting this group! Hopefully your son visits with a psychiatrist on a one to one basis, too, not just in a group...
You sound like a wonderfully caring person and mother....but this is my advice to you...please, kind lady, please YOU also make some appts to visit with a therapist. You not only can use this...you DESERVE some professional help, too!! There is only so much you can do...and you have GOT to take care of yourself...this, actually, also, is helping your son by YOU staying strong. Please take the best of care of yourself.
Big hugs, Betty
Thank you so much. I do see a therapist one on one. I am a single parent so often I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I appreciate your advice. And I definitely need the hugs
Often times, as much as a patent wants to help a young adult child, we also have to be careful not to be overly involved in diagnosis and treatment. It can tend to exacerbate the sufferers feelings of inadequacy.
It's such a delicate balance, and often times it is hard to NOT help unless help is asked for. In my experience, if a parent is working as hard or harder at helping an adult who happens to be to be their offspring, it can give a subliminal message that they are desperately broken, rather that just needing a bit of help to re-balance themselves.
Of course, this may not be true in every case, but my extensive experience suggests that it very often is. If a parent looses themselves in over-parenting, both parent and offspring will experience a lot of personal imbalance, thus making the dynamic extremely un-healthy, even though that was not at all what was intended.
As far as a suggestion, which is what you requested, have you ever attended Al-Anon? That might be a very good place to start.
Wow! You are so spot on with all of this. He knows I will spend hours giving him a "pep talk" when he is having a rough day. I find myself guilty of picking up his pieces constantly. I believe he knows that too so we repeat the same patterns over and over. And I have not attended Al-Anon. That is a great idea! I'm sure the same principles would apply to a family member with mental illness right? And I would be considered an enabler. Ugh! This has been an eye-opening post. Thank you for your honesty, knowledge, and great advice.
Alanon wouldhelp even if it’s not alcohol related , try reading some of their literature and there are on line meetings and phone meetings as well as in person meetings
Thank you. Someone else had suggested that too. I will look into that.
try role reversal....make him be the active part...not the advice...maybe this was already said.....ok pal............what works to get me up and moving? any suggestions?.......ask him...or get him on a peer line? if this was already said...please forgive an old stupid man..........translation - feel for a caring mom......(not like others to be tactful) .....hey give urself some credit ur not scolding and yelling at him or ororororo......hes lucky......how can we make a one armed guy usefull.......find him soemione without legs.....ish........if u get the point.........our friends like luna child dolphins and others......make facing life doable as we wake up to our freinds..........we pull each other forward.......our freinds and comrades make the ineveitable livalble as im sure ur know.......make sureeeee u take good care of mom tho......
dont forget vitamin F (fun friends) and Vitamin R(rewards in his and your languages as he mirrors off u as sureu know- u are teaching him to cope and take care of you self....for me there is a delay...dont get discouraged......takes time for a suggestion to work through my concrete brain...then weeks later....
ahhhh thats what Luna was saying or dolphin .....it wasnt that i was igonroing or didnt listen........there is an annoying delay........they are kind enough to let me say....ahhhh Luna /dolphin/faux art...remembger when uu said...................ha!!!! finallysunk in).....IF it useful
if not-
ignore eveyting said
smore?
i hang happy smiily signs or snoopy and friends.......Luna and dolphin others kind enough not to laugh.........C how friends are soooo essential?? universal sure but..........friends allow us our crutches.......and let us stay on the team and NOT rejected from society or the team so to speak....(football metaphor- u get hurt u stilllllll on the team)
Just an update - my son quit the intensive outpatient program. The meds he has been on have not been helping, so they try others. He had a terrible episode after starting a new med which made him hallucinate. He is off all meds. I searched for alternative help since the traditional method of trying different meds didn't work.
I found a clinical neuro psychologist who did two days of testing, as well as an EEG of his brain. Her results were staggering. No ADHD which was one of the meds he was on, and no bipolar, which was another med they were going to try. Instead she found he had some brain damage from being concussed at some point through sports, childbirth, or some other form. She found executive functioning issues, and the part of his brain that is damaged is causing much of his depression and anxiety. He will start neuro biofeedback treatment instead of more anti-depression meds. He also will need some physical therapy for fine motor skill issues that went undetected all these years.
I will post his progress as he continues treatment. I am optimistic that this will finally help him.
pardon knw this is corrney!!!!! take a bow mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Any update on your son?
The neuro biofeedback treatment seems to be helping. My son does not have the extreme lows that he once had. He is still refusing meds, so is dealing with the depression and anxiety just through this treatment which he has been attending twice per week since July. He is experiencing a plateau, but will continue with treatment. He was a serious computer gamer, but says he finds no joy in that anymore. So something is definitely happening to his brain. Thank you for asking.
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad something is helping. Keep up your support and love for him. That's gota be helpful. Let me know if you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. Best, JP
Thanks so much. It’s a very delicate situation. I try not to do to much because then I enable. But when he hits rock bottom, I obviously try to help him. I wish there was a parent support group around me. It’s very difficult to know what is the right thing to do. And I ask the mental health professionals and they aren’t much help. And I sure do need a shoulder to cry on and an ear for listening. A sincere thank you for offering.
I know how you feel. It's so tough to see your kids in pain. Have you contacted a church to see if they have support groups available? Also did you consider talking to a life coach or family therapist to help you learn what you can or should do for your son?
I see a therapist. She is helpful, but my son sends many mixed signals and when he is belligerent with me- I back way off. Then he will call me crying that he wants to hurt himself. It’s a push-pull with him so the specialists tell me to detach with love. I do that and the cycle repeats itself. I NEED to break this cycle. I don’t want a “rinse and repeat” every month or so. These episodes have slowed down since the neuro biofeedback treatment has started though.
What is neuro feedback exactly?
Hard to explain. When he started with this doctor, she immediately did an EEG to see what areas of the brain were not functioning as well. The brain damage was in the center that controls anxiety and depression. The treatment is done on a computer, where it has situations that he has to respond to, helping to retrain the brain. I am not explaining it very well. The reviews of effectiveness are mixed on this treatment. He is getting results though.
sports?? lots of guys benefit from being active- work off frrustations rathe rhan talk.....talk doesnt work for us....being active can....channels our feelings......use them ......just a thought ....also art ......he can make things for people and feel good about him self ......????? Justin...your aunt will loooooove this card and its ....hand made....mom like u would get that .........wow a mom that fights for her son..........whats that like?
look hard to be perfect mom...the purists.......ur human...at least your fighting for yr kid rather than others who cant wait to see us leave....rival thing.......great job mom!!!!! found the diagnosis....rather trhan mistreating him for hungarian gulash disease so over pop diagnsisted (from a retired veterianarian ......few allow us to find the real causes....sooooo great job mom)
So sorry to hear about your son. I think it's nice that you are doing all that you can. Maybe a bit unpopular advice here, but perhaps find a qualified acupuncturist in your area later down the line, and have them check on him. But in any event, don't give up and hang in there.
Thank you and that's a great idea. I never thought of that. And I truly appreciate your support and everyone on here.
go mom go mom go mom go ...talk about a RUDY this mom gets the Rudy award ....the Distinguished service Award for Mom....wow...go mom go
Luna just wrote and said how impressed she is with u.....wow...what a MOM
Just wanted to reach out and say it sounds like you are doing a great job of handling all this. I can't believe all your son has gone through. Hopefully now that they have a concrete cause they can address the brain damage and give your son a little peace.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So nice of you. I find the people on this site amazing. So supportive. I’m thinking the neuro biofeedback is helping, but I think he still needs therapy. He refuses to go through anymore therapy because he says “my brain is broken - nothing they say or I say will fix it”! Ugh. I have to step back and let it be.
I’m so impressed by your love and support for your son. Thinking outside of the box and finding him the specialist he needs was incredible. I’m so happy for you and him that it is working. Everyone with depression needs that kind of support ❤️
You are making me cry here! Seriously. Sweet of you. If my son had some strange health issue - I would b doing the same thing for him. Unfortunately mental health is not a perfect science and I don’t know who to go to, or to ask, or what to do... I try to use my intuition as a mother and that seems flawed sometimes. And friends who don’t have a loved one with mental illness really don’t get it. Anyway... I’m rambling. Thanks for you kind words. I love this site and am so glad I joined.
take this with a huuggge dose of salt k???? try to assemble some DAV Help Hospitallized Veterans or St Judes information and lay it on the table......let him read them..the USO or find some cause.......tell him if he asks ....are u judging me? u say no......lots of people really get down and hopeless but Justin (example of his namesih) ...they need someone senstive like u...to write them or donate a card or part of your salary to...to help veterans who feel forgotten and have nothing in the hospitals.....u can relate Justin....u know what they feel like.....write them....or write a card to the kids at St Judes............they and their familes are hanging on - they need u .....u can say things i cant......i give part of my salary to HHV justin as it helps me get through the month and the stuff at any job..........just thought u might want to help some ohter folks help make their day justin....
hey.....just a thought........feel for u caring mom......feel for u and your son.....we all need a purpose.......and having that can help pull us forward through any highs and lows of life.....sure u know that....no offense for tell u prob what u already know...thanks. .......pets can be great pals too .....lke us when we dont like ourselves or feel whatever.......sure u know that........but .........feeling useful........to society........is a pretty important goal.........how do u want to be remembered or watch the movie
Rudy......
Luna Child and others are some of OUR Rudy's ......refuse to let life win.....good stuboorness.......................find a big brother or sister...?????
I figured I would update my son's progress after 3 years. His is truly a success story so far. The neuro-biofeedback worked really well. My son is now 25 years old, works a full-time job and a part-time job and talks about finishing his degree. He has lost 80 pounds by working out and eating less, and making better food choices. He is an inspiration to friends that have known him throughout his journey, and he is now the "go to guy" when people need to share and talk about their problems. He was starting to feel different again so went for a "tune-up" as we call it with the neuro-biofeedback doctor. He goes out with friends and has started to enjoy some old hobbies he loved as well as trying new things.
Our relationship is great. He is still living at home with me but making plans to move out. We talk, cry, and rejoice that he has worked so hard on his journey and has been blessed with alternative ways of getting help. My son is very open about his journey and tries to share with others who confide in him. I love that he is not embarrassed. He is having growing pains now with some friends, but that's all part of becoming an adult I think.
I appreciate everyone's advice, support, and feedback. I had many painful years watching him go through this. Of course as a parent - you want to fix it or take the pain away. Nowadays, there is very little pain and mostly all gratefulness and hope for the future.
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