Dilema

[Mommy101]

I am in my 70th year of life and have suffered from depression and ptsd an d have sought counseling many times to no avail. I will say out loud I have had a drinking problems, however, over the years, I do not drink more than 5 beers a day. My body just says,"enough" and I eat and go to bed. My 38 unmarried daughter with no children has been clean and sober for 8.5 years. She stopped speaking to me 5 months ago and gave me a good talking to and said for her mental health, she no longer wanted me in her life for her own well being, as I sat and cried untill I said "I'm done and she left and I bawled my eyes out. I reached out to her several times to talk and resolve our differences. She has now texted and wants me to meet with her in her home tomorrow morning, saying she wants to tell me all of her memories of having grown up in an alcoholic house. She is well aware of my upbringing and the traumas I have suffered. I don't know what I should do. After being scolded by her last time, like I was a child, I don't don't know if I can take it anymore. She says it is for her well being in her journey of what she says is her depression. Please help me. My loving husband will be there with me and said if you can't handle it, we can just leave. I want to help her through this but I am feeling so beat down

[Xene]

Hi Mommy101, I think it would be a good idea to go but only you know how emotionally fragile you are? If you do go I would advise you to just sit and listen and it will be hard as some hurtful stuff maybe said. The big no, no is not to get overly defensive. You may not agree with with her but some times it definitely doesn’t help.

She obviously wants to get validation for what she experienced and if it goes well it may well help to build bridges over time.

Best wishes

Xene

[Mommy101 in reply to Xene]

Thank you. I did that 5 months ago for about 30 min. and the tears were streaming down my face while we were looking at each other, until I got up and said I was done and walked out of the room. She left and then I bawled my eyes out. I fear the same thing

[Xene in reply to Mommy101]

Ok I read that, was your husband there when that happened? If not this time he will and you can leave. What was it, the accusations or her anger or tone of voice that upset you also do you have any other MH issues ie severe forgetfulness, confusion as well as your ptsd and depression?

[Mommy101 in reply to Xene]

My husband was right here when she went on her rant and he did not say a word. She said I was not taking care of myself. Her tone was that of a mother scolding her child. As I was brought up, you don't speak, you just listen. I have been laying in my bed for at least 12-14 hours a day. I sleep maybe 5-6 hours. I just can't shut my mind down. I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I take it all in when she speaks to me. I feel like I deserve the punishment and I have been doing this for most of my life. My husband said, I don't have to go if I don't want to. But he said We can leave if I want to. He feels she just wants to get it out and does not realize what it will do to me. I have been there for her throughout all her problems and supported and never, ever talked down to her. Yet she feels the need to punish me more. Just can't take it .

[Xene in reply to Mommy101]

I can certainly relate to that, sleep deprivation, brain won’t shut down defo no walk in the park. Well if you feel your husband won’t be supportive of you and it might be a repeat performance of last time and possibly trigger you it might be better not to go. Only you can decide and I wish you luck either way. Take care Xene.

[Mommy101 in reply to Xene]

Thank you. I just got up from a short nap. My husband got a text from her to cancel. She is meeting with a client to lease a work space from her. Makes me wonder. She could have phoned him. Seems all is on her terms. Shall wait and see. Thank you. I will keep you updated. She knows full well what this is doing to me.

[Xene in reply to Mommy101]

Kids! When they’re babies they break your arms and when they grow up they break your heart! Well not all of them. Try not to get too upset although I know it’s hard not to. No problem, sending you peace and tranquility.

[Blue_81]

Hopefully everything goes well and start all over. Time is short and we should spend time with our love ones. Have you tried family therapy?

[Mommy101 in reply to Blue_81]

No. I am not up to it. I have seen a therapist 7 times in my life. Once after being held up with a gun pointed at me at my job on 2 different occasions and when my daughter was 4 1/2 ,was molested by the next door neighbor. Both my daughter and I went to counceling. 16 months later he was found guilty of not only molesting her, but his 4 year old son. He served about 4 years and got out and did it again. Back to prison again

[fauxartist]

I think you're very brave to go and let your daughter vent, and I also understand what it's like to grow up in a dysfunctional family, my mother took prescribed drugs and was abusive. I think every family that has substance abuse issues has the elephant walking around the room until the issue is addressed. It's a disease, whether you have one beer or a fifth a day, it's still a matter of it being alcoholics cannot drink. Even if there was no abuse per se in the home, many alcoholics are absentee parents as they check out after drinking from the family, and they are just not fully there emotionally for anyone.

I think it's important for you to let your daughter know that it would be best to not blame and shame, and that you already feel bad enough. I have been in recovery for decades, but it's only one day at a time, and will only say this as a thought, try to go meet your daughter without anything to drink, it dulls the senses and it's the primary reason for her issues so if you are sober, it may give her pause to not be so angry. She may say she cannot be around you if you are drinking for her own sobriety, but let her know you love her and understand and respect that. Then it's up to you what you want to do.

[Mommy101 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you

[fauxartist in reply to Mommy101]

Just breathe.... and take it a step at a time. Your daughter may want to think about Al-Anon to help her as well. She knows it's your choice to drink or not. You don't have to justify anything to anyone. Just be honest with yourself.

[Mommy101 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you

[Mommy101]

My husband said it would be better if we went to her house. only a 15 min. drive and if things are not going well. We can just leave

[Midori]

I would suggest you go, it may help both of you. if your hubby is also going it will be some support for you.

I don't know what your daughter has in mind, so I can't go further than that, but it could be she regrets what she said.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Cheers, Midori

[Mommy101 in reply to Midori]

Thank you. I called her this morning and it went to voice mail. I told her that since she has probably written it down. She could mail it to me and then I can respond after much thought