Just had a nightmare of mom being pregnant and i was telling her this hurts and her saying nobody is asking me and i'm a rude selfish psycho and she doesn't care i don't want more siblings. I tried to su1cide in the dream by helping granma clean up the old house, finding a jar of poisonous dust or something and i had to take it to the trash but instead i stayed and stared at it terrified and then when i found out mom was pregnant i stopped being afraid. I cried and begged in the dream but she said it's due and that it was when i was away. I asked where is she keeping it, she said in my place. And that If i keep this attitude i'm no longer tolerate.
This was the nightmare plus more i'm afraid of writing. I think it's because of the trauma of finding out dad's baby. I'm now away and can't keep an eye on mom and i'm getting paranoid of her getting a boyfriend. At my Age my parents should worry about me getting pregnant and drunk not vice versa. But this can't happen because i'm too busy losing my mind and because apparently i'm too insane* to be kept in a relationship.
I'm wondering about changing my therapist. I talked to my psychiatrist some days ago and he suggested me a new one that has cbt and i want it. But recently i went to university and a psychologist spoke and i really liked her and she offers hypnosis and it might be helpful with my uncounscious trauma that comes up in my nightmares. Also she works with chronically ill ppl and my gastritis is messing me up now and my whole life, and with my Type of love issues. But she's a bit rough and her therapy is a bit rough while the other one seems more delicate. I'm scared of her being too rough with me. I haven't seen the other one. I'm wondering which one to choose.
Meanwhile my health is declining. I can't eat and i have exams and not eating and studying makes me feel so dizzy and paniced. Also there's more volunteering but i think i will have to have the courage to say i can't do it. It's just the day before the exam and i need recovering from events. I can't do anything. My brain is deeply fried. I can't even pick a therapist. I can't study. I can't eat because of my physical illness. I can't sleep because of my trauma. I can't proceed. I can't study. Everyone is studying, i read 1 page and feel like bursting out crying because i don't want more siblings or some nasty man to take mom or because my thoughts are loud or because i feel so alone or because i'm so broken that even If i study i will not be able to do anything. I'm just so broken. 2 years ago found out dad's gonna have a baby and i'm broken. 22 years ago i was born with a gastritis and i'm broken. I'm broken mentally and physically and cognitevely and behaviourally and Socially. I'm a wreck with a burned brain from seeing tomboy stepmother pregnant and now i see her and real mom pregnant when i close my eyes. I want to cry but i can't. I'm a wreck. How to study? How to clean? My roommate is gonna wonder why i forgot the trash or something but i'm just traumatized. And she is gonna say she lost her mom but she cleans and works, i have no excuse but people are different in trauma and in proceeding it and i'm mentally and physically sick and i'm gonna cry because i want chicken nuggets and a hug. And a night without nightmares.
My story about family, coping with depression, and lack of support
Feeling so anxious today.
