Will i ever recover? Am i cursed? You've seen my horrific feed. What should I do

[Against_the_current]

Crying myself to sleep. Mom drinking and doesn't allow me to talk to her about it. People telling me she needs to be f- to stop which insults me and scares me. In my country "f ur mom" is the worst slur. Also i can't handle a stepfather. My mind is racing. Even when im away from her, i panic at the hours she drinks. And don't get me started on dad. I still deny the existence of my half-sibling. And people call me the bad guy. I constantly reach out for help. I go to therapy. I take meds. Should I just k-ll myself

[Hidden]

All right, I don’t know if this helps, but I went through a year of dialectical behavioral therapy and the best thing I got out of it, is that when all these emotions are getting to you like this, learn to distract. I know you can’t distract forever but you seem to be really worked up. Do things like play music that you like- something positive or calming, do something with your hands, draw something, clean your room, go for a walk, just do something to change your focus from all of this. You’re making yourself sick here, change your focus, I know you can do it. I have faith in you, at least try to do it.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, dbt is something i want to try. Yeah, it isn't easy, especially when i am not left to focus. It was at night so most distractions wouldn't work and i like gaming but i wouldn't be left to focus and i would just die and spam surrender.

[SoporRose]

Don't try to kill yourself. But you might get the attention of a suicide hotline if you tell them you want to do so and have been thinking about it for a long time now. I remember that you've said the hotlines have been unwilling to talk to you before, but you have mentioned suicide several times in recent weeks, so calling the hotline now might be worthwhile.

If you are concerned about your sister and want to help her, focus on that. Killing yourself will damage her irreparably and set her the example of suicide. When you feel you can't study for your exam, try thinking about what your sister needs to see you accomplishing despite your family situation. You will both benefit from your success and you are SO SO SO smart and creative that I truly believe you can pass this test despite how awful you feel.

I feel sorry for your half-sibling. I know you don't, but that child is innocent and sure doesn't deserve any unkindness. Why treat a toddler the way you were treated? I realize you're coming from a place of profound pain, but it's the adults who raised you who inflicted the damage, not the child. You know that and I know that that is not the kind of person you want to be. Didn't you get into psych to help others in situations similar to your own?

I don't remember if you've tried getting in touch with Al Anon for support for family members dealing with others' alcoholism. I found the contact information for you:

Al-Anon Information Service of Bulgaria

WorkPO Box 109Sofia 1504Bulgaria

Work Phone: [phone]

Work Email: [e-mail]

Website: Bulgaria Website

Maybe they'll have some advice about how to talk to your mom or how to deal with her drinking and how to help your sister. I'm not comfortable around people who are really drunk, either. I don't know how to handle that either.

Are you getting some good time to re-connect with your sister? Maybe hanging out and watching some movies or doing art together?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Please don't say you pity it. I haven't done anything to it. It just makes me feel worse. The national suicide hotline isn't picking up. I can't stop crying. And i haven't contacted Alanon because i will only get reminded what she does and probably no coping. I'm helpless. Weeks just trying to stay alive. I can't do anything with my sister because school overworks her and she feels uncomfortable to play toghether in front of mom. And also mom tells me to not distract her so she can finish her homeworks. She had an animation competition and her laptop stopped working and we paniced all night and worked on it all night. She's so smart and talented, how can mom hate her. She's the one to pity. And me whom has nobody to tell that i don't see myself making it out alive to the final exam, not seeing future for myself. I'm sorry, i just cried all night... For idk what number night. I tried telling friends im suicidal, they just said that's lame. And I have been suicidal for a long time. If i tell family i have to mention the drinking and half-sibling and they will get mad, say it is not guilty, im mean, mom will kill me herself for telling grandparents about her. I need someone to take my suicidal intentions seriously and thank you for that. To take my mental health serously. Also scared that if i tell them im suicidal, they will say "but didn't i just give you money, then why am i investing in you". I really need someone to take me seriously. I'm on critical and i have been on critical for so long that years started going backwards

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I am so sorry. Nothing I suggest seems to be of use to you. I wish I could help. Please try to get through your exam. It seems to be your ticket to a new life.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

It's okay, I'm just in a real mental hardship. I need to take this exam with a high score and i can't

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I will continue to hold a good thought for you.

[ElephantsHear]

Your life is so valuable. Please Keep yourself safe, tell someone you trust or a healthcare provider how you’re feeling, if you think of harming yourself. Serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Depression can make a person very sensitive, emotional and it’ll lie/ cloud your reality. I wish you health, safety, and peace

[Against_the_current in reply to ElephantsHear]

Thanks. I really wish someone cared but they don't. Friends don't care, can't tell family without mentioning how much i hate my half-sibling and mom and im honestly stuck, needing help desperately

[bethelbee]

Is inpatient hospitalization an option? It would be a safe place for you with 24 hour support with staff and others going through the same thing. When I needed it in the past, it was really helpful. Please consider; sounds like it may be necessary with the thoughts you are having.

[Against_the_current in reply to bethelbee]

I need it but here the hospitals are terrible. I'm still sick after my visit at the hospital for my nasal surgery. And mental hospitals are worse

[Ryanlion]

It sounds very tough for you at the momemt. Do not throw your wonderful life away because you are surrounded by family who cannot care. Your mum may be an alcoholic. I would seriously consider al anon or al ateen as suggested earlier. They are a briliant 12 step program that is there to help YOU. You will meet others there in similar situations to yours and friendship and expression is encouraged. It helped me so much dealing with the two drinkers around me. When you are old enough and working you can escape your environment & bring loving people into your life. Be brave go to a meeting,

[Tealpillow]

Living at home with abusive family members is agony and I feel for you. Truly. Once I moved out of my house I was able to finally breathe and feel free. I get suicidal too … it’s more of the nagging “what’s the point” thoughts than actual plans. Do you think that is what you are experiencing?

Quick side note about inpatient treatment: I went a few years ago and it was honestly the best thing for me. But I’m not sure how similar our facilities are to the ones in Bulgaria. It was nice to be taken care of and hang out with people going through what I went through.

Either way, I want you to know you aren’t alone and we are all here for you. You matter and you are enough! (((Hugs)))

[Against_the_current in reply to Tealpillow]

Thank you. I wanted to be hospitalised but it would only traumatize me more. Hospitals here are like horror movies. I was good living out but my accommodation and mental health made it hard to take care of myself

[Tealpillow in reply to Against_the_current]

It is good you know your limits and that treatment where you live may be more damaging. We must do what we can to protect ourselves.

Do you have meal subscription plans in Bulgaria? Sometimes when my depression lasts a few months I struggle to get the will to cook and feed myself. I took a shortcut and subscribed to a meal delivery service. I don’t have to cook, shop, or plan. Little things like that can make each day easier.

[Justme777]

You sure do have a lot for a young person to deal with . Mom won’t talk to you maybe until she admits she has a problem, at which time , she will need treatment/ rehab . I pray for your sake she gets the help she needs . Omg , please don’t EVER think of doing anything like that, your life will get better I promise , yes it’s miserable now but only YOU can try to step away , Continue your education … not sure your employed . Get your own place , being your depressed , it might be nice if you shared a place with a freind to help w rent and helps w loneliness , please please get THERAPY .. 🤗🤗🤗

[Against_the_current in reply to Justme777]

Thanks. I'm at therapy actually. She refuses to accept she has a problem. Not employed, not sure if i have friends at all. It's hard

[Against_the_current]

Thank you. Yeah, it's so hard. I don't know how to fill these gaps and i need to. It's becoming harder and harder to form relations maybe because of this wound. Best is distance but i am struggling to take care of myself. Sounds like a helpful book. Thank you