Lately I do not have relief and I dwell in suffering with my insides feeling like there are thrashing with pain and guilt. I feel the uncomfortableness throughout my body abd where did this come from? From my heart? From my past trauma? From my bipolar? From meds? Why? What is this? I feel selfish when I feel like I want to die. My kids need me. Life is short so I try to do my best to make s difference to people and their souls but I am so broken right now and I need help. It’s hard to breathe so I take my Propanolol that I haven’t taken in over a year I take more Paxil just starting yesterday to see if that might help. I selfishly would rather die right now. And I could die. My children are so strong and beautiful and are what keeps me from making that harsh choice. I hope I will never choose to leave them. They never would deserve that. I feel pathetic but trying to stand once more in a place where I can stop thinking about my suffering and focus on helping others. How are you? Are you okay? What do you need right now to have relief? Are you not suffering? What is your secret? The only thing I know to help is meditation and medication so I will try these. Best to you.
How do you get to relief? What is rel... - Anxiety and Depre...
How do you get to relief? What is relief for you?
I really think following this meditation program is the most consequential thing I've done for my health other than therapy or medicine ... ever.
Sorry you are feeling down imo you don't have the right match of medication for your condition
This is the dilemma for many people
I was doing well. I was helping others. I find that I can still help others now that I suffer so but it’s harder and I am squirming with pain inside. I pray but I don’t believe God will help me so my pray I retract. I’m sad. All my life I believed in God. Now I don’t know. I ask for a special sign today. I’ve always loved and will continue to love but I need a sign if I am to keep following a certain path and if I don’t get it I will move my belongings onto another path that I have been studying on. Maybe both paths will lead to the same. But either way I need to see a sign or not. I think I know what I wish for and what I will get and if I am wrong I will work hard to make up for my mistake. It all may be too much to ask for. Who am I to ask for a sign? Why was I created if I cannot be answered when so close to becoming nothing?
⭐️
Within your post you are showing such caring thoughts for others as well. You have a beautiful ❤️. Don't lose sight of what you continue to do for others despite your inner turmoil.
For me meditation, exercise and following the spiritual teaching of Buddhism has helped me so much. I can't put it into words but I have found inner peace. I do take meds and believe me it's all trial and error with meds. I also do therapy.
The world needs your shining light. You are here for a reason. We may never know the reason.
Shine your light
❤️🐬
Hi Starr. Okay, if focus on others can bring you distraction, here goes.
The heat has been oppressive so long this summer. I'm not bearing up well. I have a window air conditioner in my bedroom and kitchen, but they can't keep up with the still, dead air. My legs turned to rubber about half an hour ago, and I barely made it to bed with my heart racing. I tied a freezer gel-pack to my back, and for now it seems to be helping.
Last night I begged -- I never thought I'd come to this -- begged my husband to come, early in the morning, and raise a few windows. For cross ventilation. I can't go up the stairs safely. "No." He said it would take time away from being with his girlfriend, and she wouldn't like it.
I can't even name all the things I feel now. Worthless. Furious. Betrayed. Angry. Hopeless. I have no control over keeping myself safe. I humiliate myself and beg. No one responds.
I hate me and him because I beg.
* * *
I feel selfish talking about my problems while you hurt. But I understand needing to be outside your own pain, helping another. Women seem to have that instinct, don't they? It's very powerful.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, every way you can, as you pass through this. You've come out the other side before -- and will again.
I've got Brahms, Requiem playing in the background as I type. Herbert von Karajan conducting. It calms me.
Do you have music to calm you?
You are who I care about now not myself. Be kind to yourself. I have to call a house soon to take me in if I decide I want relief by taking all the pills I have. I’m so sad. My kids wouldn’t understand and it is wrong and I am wrong so I will wait. I may not last this day without calling so that I won’t die. I imagine you sitting similarly as me and this world is so cruel and I told my best friend on here that I was going to the skate park but I did not go I don’t want to see another person ever again because it hurts me but that is my own problem and not fair to my kids. Stay strong. You are stronger than I am. You fight. I can’t fight any more. My friend gave me something to help me fight with but it’s not working it’s more her not me I was never meant to be here. I’m sorry I’m meant to be helpful but I’m just not strong right now. I do know you are the most beautiful lady though you really are. All that strength in your heart is worth so much. I’m so sorry I’m not in better shape to help you. I have to call the crisis now. Love you 😘
Does your husband still manage the meds for you? If not, would you feel safer asking for his help for a while? Please PM me anything I can do.
Dear Starr, you are a beacon to us on HU, don't you realize that? The resilience you show inspires me, and others here too.
You need rest. Fighting is draining. I am one here who cares deeply for you. Reach out to your family and friends. Let them take a turn helping you. You've earned it.
P.s. remember you deserve the best of treatment... treat yourself well and find others to treat you well. You deserve only goodness
They can’t help me. My husband never manages my meds. They need me for most things. They can barely help themselves. I don’t think I can go to crisis care. Things here would fall apart. I’m already having trouble getting school situated. I had some drinks with friends yesterday. I never want to drink again. It destroys my emotional health. If I can do that and fast and cleanse myself I’ll be fine. I just have to be stronger. Thanks
Can you make an emergency call to your therapist?
You can't be there for your children if you don't take care of you first -- just like an airplane emergency.
Get someone to talk to Starr. Me, your best friend, crisis services, your therapist. You deserve someone to help you figure this out.
⭐️
You would be surprised at how your family will survive.
I was the glue for my family. I totally burned myself out by living for them. My life was never important.,. In my eyes, not theirs. All those years my head kept telling me it's my job to care for them. I was raised that doing for me was selfish.
We can give advice on what works for us. As they say, take what you need and leave the rest. We are all so different. Our past, our present and our diagnosis.
Just know that you are loved. Taking a step for yourself is the answer. But finding your answer is individual.
If you don't do things you say you are going to do any given day its ok. We have to juggle days by how we feel. We wake up and think we can do certain things and five minutes later say forget that it won't work today. No friend would pass a judgement on that.
Continue to use your voice here. You have many people here that love and support you. I am one of them.
❤️🐬
I'm sorry your feeling this way Starr, and of course you have helped People and will continue to do so. Your Children need you and it's good that you recognize that. Mine are grown up and no-longer need me, n that's tough. At present I am dealing with other illness's, so that is taking all of my energy. So what to do? Well.. we keep getting up in the Morning and doing the best we can. We keep Breathing n putting one foot in front of the other, until we feel a little better. One day we Smile more. Sometimes it's all we can do!
Yes you are right. I just want more. I’m so angry at myself.
Oh Starr it sounds like you are really getting clobbered today. Did the time with your friends stir something up? I hear so much striving and guilt and trying to be “enough” in your words.
Does your family know? Have you talked about mental illness? I hope you have, and that they are supportive, even if they don’t know what to do.
I hear you saying that God is an important part of your life, but that you are really starting to question. I will pray for you now. What comes to mind is, “Stop striving, and know that I am God,” from Psalm 46. That’s a favorite of mine.
You are worthy of love because you are. I will pray now. I can feel myself sliding, that’s why I’m on here.
Yes I drank and that will be the last time. I talked to my husband about the way I feel, suicidal, and we fought, I’m just so tired of life. Thanks for praying.
I can relate to “tired of life.” I can also hear your love for your family, especially your kids. God’s love for you is greater, Starrlight. May it flow through you to your children, and restore your hope as it does. Life with a broken brain is hard.
Remember, you are worth it, stay strong ...life is not easy but we all have to stay positive no matter what. You are stronger than you think. You are not alone many of us suffer from anxiety and other conditions. I wish you peace in your life, and I'm sending you good vibes. 🙆♀️💯🙌
Thank you. Trying to be strong.
When l felt similarly to you do now 7 years ago, being admitted to a psych ward was th Ie only thing that worked for me. It was a small, very simple place but it really worked for me at the time. I needed to be away.
You might find you need that time away so you come back with a better perspective.. l had two admissions to this place . On the first, l was in a deep low. On the second l was on a meds induced high. I am now very stable 6 years after the 2nd admission. What brought me to this site was feelings around workplace bullying. That bullying did not cause a relapse though.
I know every psych ward differs but in the case of the one I was in, you got out what you put in. I participated in practically everything, even when l didn't feel like it. l repeat, it was the only thing that saved me at the time.
Thanks for sharing. My kids need me here right now. I’ve been to crisis centers before. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow
I wanted to stop by to give you a gentle hug, Starrlight. Tomorrow you will feel better, the tide always ebbs and flows.
snow~ 💗
I know this is trite, but try to find some strength inside yourself, for your children's sake. Past trauma is something you cannot go back and fix, no matter how much you worry about it.
Bipolar is a problem between yourself and your doctor and getting the therapy required to mitigate it's effects. Your medication may need adjusting.There is a Bipolar Forum on HU.
You know, and it comes through in your writing, how much this can affect your children and you owe it to them to keep as healthy as possible, both mentally and physically.
Your husband seems like a thoroughly selfish man, but if the kids live with you he has a responsibility to you and them, no matter what the girlfriend wants.
Suicide is not an answer, My husband's suicide scarred my family for many years afterwards, and I had to go no contact with my inlaws because of the sheer evil bile they were throwing out against me. I brought up my two children alone, with cPTSD (unrecognised at the time.) and increasing disablement caused my multiple beatings from the husband.
In the last 10 -15 years, I decided enough was enough and became tough with myself, as I was damaging my teens' progress and possibilities for life.
I too care for people, and come here in order to help people whom , as a nurse (retired), I can no longer help physically.
Now, I don't care what people think about me, because I know that out of sight is out of mind, and once they turn the corner of the street, they will have forgotten about me totally. I am a disabled and bloodyminded old bat! And all the better for it!
I hope some of this will help.
Cheers, Midori
My husband doesn’t have a girlfriend he is a good husband and father. I’m so sorry yours has scarred your family. Suicide is not the answer no. I will never drink again because when I do even if it’s one glass with a friend I feel suicidal. My doctor just increased my Paxil so eve though it will take a bit maybe it will help.
My deepest apologies, I replied to the wrong person, Sorry. Having a daft day today!
That’s ok I hope you are okay Mindoro! ❤️
Yes, I'm just having a poor day. It has suddenly become very hot! I have a broken internal thermostat so I'm only firing on all cylinders in a narrow temperature band!
😅
What!? 😅 me too ...I think 🤔... 😂 I’m sick... hung out with my friend Saturday and her daughter was sick ugh... what are you up to? I’m laying in bed with my 🐶
Sitting at my desk trying to deal with Emails. Dunno where they all come from!
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