Newbie justs need to talk-sorry for long post

[idaf22]

New here-just found this site in hopes it can help me with my crippling depression and passive thoughts of suicide.

Background: I have a history of depression, anxiety and PTSD and see my therapist regularly and have been on meds for decades. Typically, I am pretty even keeled and can only recall feeling this hopeless twice before in my life (during my divorce and during menopause).

I am currently married and my husband is a good man, but I feel like he blames me for his son's ghosting and estrangement. I've tried to be loving and supportive but he keeps pushing me away and now I am so far away that I don't know how or if I can ever make it back. I thought I was a decent (step) mother but this adult child cut off all communication with us about 3 years ago. I pretend that I am okay and for the most part, I can deal with it mainly because I felt like I was on borrowed time anyway with him. My husband is devastated and has unwittingly (or perhaps wittingly) taken out his pain on me by completely ignoring me. I am a person who shoulders blame and I still blame myself for many other things (unrelated to this) that have happened.

I am a very independent person and have never needed someone's attention, but his indifference is exacerbating my current fragile mental state.

I have been passively suicidal for about 5 days and almost made plans yesterday. I cannot talk to any family members for fear of worrying them and my parents and siblings are who are preventing me from actually doing myself any harm. I have declined plans and have silenced my phone, just telling my sister that I don't feel well.

I have thought about checking in for inpatient care but am afraid to and am afraid that I would have to involve my husband. I do not want to be around anyone or inconvenience anyone and hoped that an anonymous board like this will allow me to feel more comfortable in talking about how I feel.

[Gkaneesdoguu]

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I have been that way before. If it gets to be too much, please call 911 or your equivalent to Emergency Services for ambulance. It is stronger to admit weakness and seek the strength in your community. I am Native American, and culturally we are different in the cultures I come from than Euro-centric cultural ways. We put the person in the center of the community so that they get healed and are provided for by the community for their medicine and food needs. This boosts their spirits and shows them that their community cares about them. Call family and friends and invite them over to be with you while you feel this way. Treat yourself kindly and eat dark chocolate.

[Daveacr1959]

Try the Wim Hof method free on you tube. It’s guided breathing exercises and long breath holds. And cold water exposure daily. You baby step into it. It’s been helping me with anxiety and p t s d . 6 months.

[MyBeanie]

Ida…. I know you wrote this long ago, but I’m new and just read this. I am estranged from my daughters (long story), but a son-in-law blamed me for a brain injury he got, then his own depression: the anger and twisted stories were about…me!

I totally understand the psychological and physiological pain both you and your husband are experiencing, because I also was the ‘collateral damage’ when this S-I-L got his 3rd ever concussion in a car accident.

He didn’t recover well enough to keep his job. A huge trauma for him and my daughter. My daughter had to go back to work so I was there babysitting etc while he was bedridden. He was miserable.

So when they needed a scapegoat, I was the next in line in the house! And to hurt me: ghosting & not allowed to see them plus granddaughters.

So I know how painful it is for you and your husband. I’m not sure if you know why his son estranged from him, but likely it’s not clearly understood or discussed. The huge betrayal your husband feels is so deeply painful that he will also feel anger that it happened.

He has no kindness left in him to see how unfair it is to blame you!

He isn’t able to have any control over his son doing that, and he subconsciously needs someone to blame and you’re an easy target being there.

(The son may have bad feelings about his mom and dad, so you just being there reminds him of his own hurt)

As you said about your stepson, I was overly good to my SIL…So it seems so wrong for that son to blame you!

And it IS wrong, but it is happening everywhere, a lot: ‘cutting off parents’ -because the adult kids in these times value independence, self-sufficiency & total freedom more than spending time with parents….

….and they have the control - they see no ‘need for’ parents; ‘respect for elders’ has disappeared.

If you are strong enough and independent as you said, you should discuss and consider some time away from your husband, a separation, so you can get away from his anger.

It’s hurting you so deeply to have blame dumped on you by someone you trusted and cared for. You will keep feeling betrayed and depressed by the injustice of it all.

Your husband, of course is wrong, but he, too, is frustrated and depressed and he’s trying to control the situation…but can’t, except by blaming you.

Until more information about why the son did this, your husband will have ongoing ‘complicated grief’. And he will always be depressed. You need to be with friends or family who can remind you that you’re worthy.