Struggling with sleep, anxiety and depression, and low self-worth

[Reingold]

I've suffered with the above to varying degrees my entire adult life. Growing up it was primarily severe depression and insomnia. I was the youngest of four, a child of divorce, so I had little facetime with my mother between her trying to support four children and have any semblance of a life herself. I saw my father every other weekend, and my siblings were often too busy to spend time with me. We moved around a lot. When I hit puberty, I began acting up - nothing too extreme, but I would lie a lot and manipulate others for the attention that I felt I wasn't receiving. I hate that version of myself - I was never malicious for the sake of it, but my lies and manipulations hurt people, I lost friends, I sabotaged relationships. The result is that I now find it impossible to want to open up to anyone, or seek support in any way, because I'm so guarded against being that attention seeking person that I was. My current girlfriend of 6 years, the person I am closest to, has no idea how bad it can get inside my head. Some days are fine, but recently I started a new job and was quickly promoted, and instead of being happy or feeling validated, it makes me feel like an imposter, like I don't deserve it, and a couple of weeks ago I had my first panic attack for about 15 years, since I was a teenager. Part of me wants to talk to someone about it, part of me wants to just bury it, and part of me just wants it out of my brain, which I guess is what I'm doing right now.

Anyone reading this, thank you for the time, and to anyone feeling alone or overwhelmed by daily life, me too - you're not alone.

[Agora1]

Reingold, Welcome to this caring support forum.Thank you for filling us in with parts of your life which play a big part of

where you are at now. You just took a first step into going forward and

healing from your traumas. Never bury your past issues. They need to be

brought to the surface and talked about. Do you see a therapist?

We are here to listen and relay our own life experiences with mental health

Through this, we help each other not feel so alone. I'm glad you are with us.

Whenever you are ready, we are here to listen. We are only a message away. xx

[Reingold in reply to Agora1]

I don't see a therapist currently, it's something I keep saying I'll look into because the logical part of my brain knows that I should and that it makes sense, but for whatever reason I've not managed to overcome that hurdle yet.

Thank you for your kind words.

[DogsRLyf]

The imposter syndrome is definitely something to look into. Therapy is a great idea if you're willing to take that step. You need to be able to feel and recognize your own worth. You deserve to be here with us. And you just opened up and shared so much which is very brave!

[Reingold in reply to DogsRLyf]

Thank you - it's difficult to self-analyse objectively but I think the imposter syndrome is the main variable in my mental health equation at the moment. Our brains are very good at focusing on negatives, so I forget (or spend little time thinking about) any praise I receive and then hold on to negatives in a very disproportionate way, or even interpret neutral situations as negative, and second-guess myself all the time. And I know that I do it, but at the same time that doesn't lessen the weight that those thoughts carry, even though I sort of know they're usually unfounded.

[DogsRLyf]

And then on top of all of that, not getting enough sleep makes everything so much worse. One or two good nights of sleep can be the difference between feeling hopeless and hopeful.

I have negative thinking patterns I need to change as well, but have, so far, been unsuccessful at!

[Bill181]

I think you should be able to open up to your girl bout it too I think she might feel hurt if she found out later on that you felt like you couldn't open up to her bout it she obviously loves you been with u for 6yrs

[Ritika0210]

It feels very similar here. Thanks for sharing.