Down

[Bookishbunny]

I'm really hurting. Today three things happened, I found out my mom told my sister some form of, “I can’t deal with her issues on top of my own.” While I get that she is struggling in her work environment, I find this extremely selfish as all she does to help is talk with me. Yes just talk. Having a ******* conversation while I’m at my lowest is too much.

Next, my dad was telling me about a friend's daughter. How she went to my dream school and how she and her father are working very hard to pay for it. How my dad thought it was such a waste. As he was telling me this I felt my heartbreak. All I could think was “you’d never do that for me.” God, I wanted to study there so bad. Now I have a full-time job in a town I ******* hate. I'm so jealous of her living on her own up at school, working studying living a life of her own.

Then I look at the fridge. A little background to note, I graduated with a homeschooled education in 2020. On my fridge, my classmate's younger brother’s graduation invention hangs.

Of my class (in the entire co-op, not just in my home, lol) I worked myself ragged and was valedictorian. Well, we all know how 2020 went. I got no senior pictures no prom, no graduation. I didn't get to make my speech, I got no recognition from anyone. And the best part was my whole family was happy about it. Because they didn't have to dress up or spend the day in ceremony. And now here it is right in my face.

So here I am now crying into my iPhone. I hate everything. It all just hurts so much right now. I don't see the point in anything why did I fight so hard for a dream, an education that I couldn't have. Why cant someone just be there for me?

I'm so frustrated I mean, I really wish I was never even born at this point life just sucks so ******** bad. I'm tired of being sad and angry. I'm tired of thinking of feeling. I'm just tired.

Thanks for reading.

[coolkitty1934]

ah yes the crushing feeling that no matter how hard you try it wont matter..well i have felt that before as well.that tired feeling where your just tired of everything and want to drift off to sleep forever.but never forget that no matter how bad you feel your newfound webtoon buddy is here for you!

[Bookishbunny in reply to coolkitty1934]

Oh my god you have no idea how much I needed that.

[coolkitty1934 in reply to Bookishbunny]

glad to be of service *bows dramatically*

[Bookishbunny in reply to coolkitty1934]

*smiles through the tears*

[coolkitty1934 in reply to Bookishbunny]

yay i got a smile!

[Hidden]

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It seems like your mom is just stressed and can't handle things. Unfortunately this does happen. People don't know what to say or do because they themselves are struggling. So bear that in mind. I am not saying that you don't deserve to be cared for. You absolutely do. I am just saying that when another person is drowning it's really hard to save someone else.

I know how you feel about your dads comments. When I went to university my grandpa would constantly belittle me for going to school and not just working like he was. It can be very frustrating when you have set your sights on a goal and everyone around you shoots it down and makes you feel bad about it. So I am sorry you are feeling this. And I also know what it feels like to feel trapped where you are. I want to say though that you are far from trapped. It may take you a bit longer to get where you want but you can do it. You may have to work a bit harder and go through a few more hoops but you are far from doomed to stay where you are. You are only doomed if you give up. If you need a change of scenery maybe you can move to a new city or state? And work your way up slowly. I know that it doesn't sound glamorous but it's you taking control of your life and not surrendering to your circumstances. And even though it is a bit more work you will feel better about yourself and your life for it. It could also give you the chance to branch out and meet new people. So you can build a better support network for yourself.

I am sorry that your family didn't seem to care about all your hard work. I hope you are proud of yourself. I'm proud of you for being valedictorian. That is an impressive accomplishment. But I do know the sting that comes along with it. I graduated with two bachelors degree's and no one in family really cared or took notice. It hurts but that is far from the only joy out there in life. And you don't have to be good enough for your family. You only need to be good enough for you. You will find people who validate and appreciate you as you are. So keep working on you. I know it sucks now and it's hard but it's far from over for you.

PM anytime if you need someone to talk to.

[Bookishbunny in reply to Hidden]

I wish you weren't the first person to tell me you were proud of what I did but you are and I thank you. I am not in school because the job got in the way and I need money to make changes so I don't know what to do. Thank you for the post.

[Hidden in reply to Bookishbunny]

Well I meant it. I am proud of your accomplishments. And I know it's hard. Working your way won't be easy. I won't lie to you and say it is. But it is possible. And you can do it. Just keep doing your best every day. And like I said if you ever want to talk I am available. PM for whatever. To vent or to chat.

[Bookishbunny in reply to Hidden]

Thank you