work, life, talking?

[torpe]

if it were up to me, i’d vouch to reboot. having crippling social anxiety can be so embarrassing…I want to talk so badly! It’s like there is a wall…i want to know and be known! i want to have the chutzpah that i see others have, unafraid. the other day i was called out for not saying anything in two hours and i felt low in that moment as i wasn’t able to perform socially. i ache to de well socially in groups, i don’t like being so shut in. i am happy for, but envy what i seem to not be able to have. it is so hard to feel safe and to keep putting on a stone cold face…that isn’t me and it never will be. people have said i’d be a secret killer because i’m so very quiet and it’s not true. i am so frightened, i get locked in on myself. i want to find a drug that cracks open lobster people and shows their tender hearts. my old therapist told me i was afraid of being hurt and she’s very right… i feel like a weenie for sharing my feelings with anyone but my diary. how does one know who to trust? i am scared of getting to know people vice versa because of the hurt that love brings…i want it to be something to get over. i am going to release that fear, i just don’t know when. it’s so painful to feel tested and fail. i am also a bit cautious that i will not be liked or rejected for being who i am. so i blend into nothingness. the other day someone forgot i was even in the room.

[Roxylox]

I used to be like that. Totally sympathise

[torpe in reply to Roxylox]

how did you overcome it?

[Roxylox in reply to torpe]

l met my husband, it gradually improved, Took me 20 years though. Took a turn for the better when I was prescribed lithium. It suits me , and keeps me on an even keel.

You are lucky to have your art, I had a writing group I lost, and was thinking of doing something with singing, I lost all that and am a bit sad and bored as a result

[torpe in reply to Roxylox]

thank you for being so open in response i appreciate this!

[Roxylox]

It seems you find expression in your art. Think of joining a suitable group?

[designguy]

You might consider that you have social anxiety disorder and do some research on it and see if it fits for you. It's also common with those who do to also suffer from low-self-worth and low-self-esteem. If this fits for you, I recommend finding a therapist that specializes in treating social anxiety and if there isn't one near you, there are online programs available. I used one from the socialanxietyinstitute.org that was very helpful although I would have preferred an in person program. You might also check out youtube and books for information about increasing your self-worth and self-acceptance, I like a program called Break Free from Dr. Bernadette Sewell. You can also find good infor on the Tiny Buddha website. For what ever reason, you've learned and believed things about yourself that aren't true or accurate and need to undo those and learn new ways of thinking about yourself and realize that life is an inside job not an outside one.

[torpe in reply to designguy]

i do have social anxiety disorder yes. thank you for this very helpful response, i am going to use the heck out of these resources. again, much appreciated, truly