Here we go again...

[RupertBrown]

Having a bad day. Can't relax, can't think straight. Been a while since it was this bad. All I can do not to spiral. I don't know what to do, I wish it would stop. I tried to paint and started having a panic attack. Evening is coming, I can lapse into my routine soon. Cook, clean, smoke and pass out. I have a lot to do tomorrow, hoping it's enough to keep me distracted. Why does this keep happening? I thought I was getting past this.

[Nothing_but_books]

Good days, bad days. I've decided trying to figure out why is crazy-making. Get yourself through it however you can.

[Sueislove]

I can relate sorry your struggling today too! Man what I would do for a way we all could just be able to do one thing that would switch the switch and everything was back to normal !

[Sueislove in reply to Sueislove]

Today it’s a in bed day watching movies not Herat but doing what works for me today

[Roxylox in reply to Sueislove]

Good on you! That's self- care too

[Hidden]

I am very sorry that this is happening to you. You are having a set-back which is quite common for those of us who suffer with anxiety and depression. It will pass. Use the coping skills that have helped you in the past. As discouraging as a set-back feels, it will not go on indefinitely. I like to think of a set-back as a reminder that I have been here before and I managed to come through so it is very likely that I will get to the other side again.

"A setback means you've made progress -- otherwise, how could you have a setback? You know you're getting better when you can take a "setback" and turn it into a victory. Anxiety cannot win the battle as long as you are persistent and determined. You have made more progress than you think." Quote from The Anxiety Network

[RupertBrown in reply to Hidden]

I like your quote. Going to have to remember that one.

[tofler]

Sorry to hear that you've been having a bad day and I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. I'm currently going through a relapse with my mental health and have had to take some time off work (too much stress at work, for too long, has caused my relapse). I've been in a bad way recently and have been beating myself up about it, for not being able to cope with all the stress at work. I'm starting to realise that I need to take better care of myself and I need to take a step back and think about how to make some changes in my life. The road to recovery is a bumpy road and setbacks are part of the terrain. It can be a very difficult journey at times and I hope that you're soon feeling much better.

[RupertBrown in reply to tofler]

I know it will pass. It is frustrating though. Thanks for the kind words.

[Madlynes21 in reply to tofler]

Hello, Oh my God!! you have describe me to the T. Seriously, my job has been my biggest stressor and I even took FMLA for 8 weeks in hopes to be able to disconnect and reassess the situation. Please take as much time as possible and do not rush back like I did, I thought I had to save the world. Instead I ended up wounded again by the same patterns that I left. I had a boss that I was unable to work with and she made things impossible for me. I had a relapse where I felt like I was experiencing my childhood all over again. Long story short, 30 days after my FMLA returned I resigned. I needed to get out there. I was lucky to find another job in the next 30 days but right now I feel damaged, I feel like I let myself go and I need to rebuild myself. Hoping the new job offers better working conditions. I say this, if you identify that the job is the issue, you must try to cope or find a way out.

[tofler in reply to Madlynes21]

Hi, thanks for sharing your experience and your thoughts about this, it's really helpful. It's my boss who's been causing the problems for me at work as well. It feels like I've got a "critical parent" as a manager and my confidence and self-esteem has really taken a battering and my anxiety levels have gone through the roof. Now that I'm off work I've been giving myself a hard time for not being able to cope with it all. I'm trying to stop doing this to myself, but it's a difficult habit to break. I'm sorry to hear that you had such a rough time, it sounds like it must've been a nightmare and I hope that you're starting to recover from such a stressful situation. It's really good to hear that you managed to find another job though. Have you started your new job yet?

[Madlynes21 in reply to tofler]

Management can definitely be the biggest issue. They are responsible for creating a safe environment for their employees. Just like you my boss was so critical I fell into a cycle of doubt, I felt incompetent at a job that I’ve been doing for almost 9 years. I’m glad you responded to my post, knowing that we can relate is huge. I start the new job on March 28th. I took a job that was completely out of my area of expertise, I decided to switch fields. Im going from healthcare to housing development. Though I’m nervous Because this is all new, I’m trying to remind myself that I can learn new things. How long have you been at your job? Is this new management?

[tofler in reply to Madlynes21]

I've been in my current post for just over 5 years and I there was a change of manager just over a year ago. Her management style and communication skills are very different to the previous manager. Also, I don't think she understands mental health at all and has a very rigid approach to everything. Congratulations on your new job! It sounds like a big step to be changing fields like that and hopefully the start of an exciting new chapter for you. I need to start looking for another job but I just don't have the confidence to even start looking at the moment, but I guess my confidence isn't going to improve until I do start doing something to try and take control of my current situation.

[Lve2dance]

It's definitely hard to go backwards before going forward again.. It's great everyone here is supportive. I wish people in my physical surroundings were.

[fauxartist]

It's the nature of the beast my friend, sometimes it's chemical and sometimes it's a trigger, and we are left with riding out the storm. But like you said ...this will pass, hang in there.

[RupertBrown in reply to fauxartist]

I will. Thank you!

[Zhangliqun]

Very often, just the fear of recurrence causes it to recur. If you can become less fearful of it, it likely won't recur nearly as often or as severe. Easier said than done, I know from hard experience. The art is replacing bad thoughts with pleasant ones. Try just looking at cute animal videos or fall foliage pictures or focus on pleasant memories or whatever works to at least momentarily soothe you. After a while, the moments will start to extend beyond the moment. Very difficult at first, so don't be discouraged if it doesn't quite work right away.

I also think it's very important to figure out the why if you can. Do you have a diagnosis? Are you on any meds?

[RupertBrown in reply to Zhangliqun]

Thanks for the pointers, I'm going to have to remember them. Don't have a diagnosis, and therapy is cost prohibitive. I have some childhood trauma so I think I would need a specialized therapist if I wanted to go that route. I can only imagine what that would run me! Been managing okay by posting here and on Reddit. I know it's not as good as professional help, but what do you want for free? Lol

[Zhangliqun]

Here's something I just sent to someone else. Maybe not all of it applies to you, you can sift out the irrelevant stuff, but it goes into more detail about the art of thought-switching:

***

Have you tried any other meds? Sometimes you have to keep switching til you find the one that hits the sweet spot of your DNA and with minimal side effects. (Paxil and Zoloft made me feel like I drank 20 cups of coffee so I had to move on to try other meds.) If you're having trouble with sleep, trazadone works great. Duloxetine is a good daytime anti-anxiety. It took about 5 years to get to the trazadone -- 27 for duloxetine! There is some med or combo of meds that will work best for you.

As for day-to-day coping skills, the art of replacing bad thoughts with good ones is critical -- but tricky. Tricky because if you constantly think while you're trying to do it that "I am trying to do this" it won't work, because the negative is still backdooring its way into hidden dominance because you're thinking indirectly about what you're trying to not think about. The art is just to get lost in these good thoughts, memories, etc, for their own sake, because they are wonderful things in and of themselves whether you are sick or not. It's almost like falling asleep -- you paradoxically grab on to them by not grabbing them but by allowing them to come and grab you...

Is there a favorite restaurant? What does your favorite food there taste like? What else do you like about the place? Is there a friendly bartender or waitress or two? Was there a good time at the beach or in the mountains? What did the waves or the mountain stream look and sound like? It was probably July or August and kind of hot and sticky, so how did that cold stream water taste or feel? Is there a favorite song or songs? Assuming they're not depressing, what do you like about them and why? What about cute bunny/cat/dog/etc videos? What's your favorite thing about them or what they do? Do you have any pets and what do you love about them? What about favorite people/friends? What do you like about them? Different things work for different people but you get the idea. And some of them may seem silly and shallow, but really the more the more silly and shallow they seem, the better, because your brain needs a break from all these heavy thoughts.

You will probably snap out of it very quickly and repeatedly at first but don't despair. Say again -- do not despair. Every single second you spend in these reveries is a second you're not in the mood disorder nightmare, which means you get a second worth of healing. As these reveries get longer, not only will there be increased healing from the increased absence of negative thoughts and increased presence of the positive, you will become more relaxed and confident from knowing you have this power to fight your illness.

Finally, even more critical than all of that is taking the view that your mental illness is not an accident, that it has a purpose. If it's just another accident from a meaningless universe, then the only rational response is despair. But all the light you experience in remembering these positive things comes from the Father of Light who intends to use you as a vessel to help others like you, people who will die by their own hand if you are not around to give them the voice of experience.

How do I know? He's doing it through me, right now...

[RupertBrown in reply to Zhangliqun]

Actually, that was quite helpful. Thanks again!

[Zhangliqun in reply to RupertBrown]

Maybe print it and pin it up on your wall. Or at least the parts that seemed most relevant.

[Madlynes21]

I feel like no matter what I try or what is suggested from the professionals nothing is working. Really considering saying f*** it to all treatments. Just like you I had a horrible day yesterday, like no joke I felt like I was going crazy.