She threw a tantrum like a child... Here we go again...

[silentdreamer20]

Everything has been going so well for so long, and then a peak of the old *her* shows through. Like before, when she doesn't get her way, she throws a tantrum like a child. I had my walls up to be safe. I knew, eventually, my MIL would show her old ways. Damn. I let my daughter decide on not attending something, and (of course) my MIL disagreed with that because it was something her sister was throwing. She made comments to me, and I decided to ignore them. It's on me whether or not I react to her. I chose not to. She continued to lash out at my daughter with guilt trips, then called me to tell me my daughter finally responded to her but was disrespectful. She responded with a smart-aleck comment. She told her GM to have fun by herself. I got so triggered by the whole thing, just waiting for everything to explode like it always did. The difference this time was I didn't give her a response so that she couldn't fight with me. But I'm back to internalizing everything I wanted to say, should've said, could've said... She is punishing my daughter by using the silent treatment... And let me add, we did go to the party. We didn't stay long, but we went for about 2 hours. We had other plans and got invited to their party last minute. So, not my fault. But, apparently, my daughter deserves the silent treatment and guilt treatment because she didn't ride to the party with her grandmother (my MIL) and all of that. I am just triggered. I am so happy I have therapy at the end of the week😑 Until then, I am just getting by

[Midori]

Personally, I agree with your assessment of your MIL.

If it were me, I would be telling her to grow up, and act her age.

Cheers, Midori

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Midori]

It doesn't work. We have pointed out to her numerous times that when she doesn't get her way she behaves like a child. That just leads to rumors of us "verbally attacking her". It's always somehow she is the victim. I will not give her the satisfaction this time. Although, I cannot stop internalizing everything.

[Midori in reply to silentdreamer20]

You are not responsible for your mother in law, or her tantrums. It's a not so subtle form of control. Ignore it and don't respond to her when she does it, even if it means going low to no contact.

Your daughter will also internalise this behaviour, and think it's the right way to be, Don't allow it to colour the way your daughter thinks.

Cheers, Midori

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Midori]

I went no contact for over a year, in fact that was just the last two years I started slowly minimizing my time with them until I was completely no contact. It was only last Christmas we sat down and discussed changes so that our family can be happy and they would be respectful of me as a person, as their son's wife, and as our child's mother. My daughter realizes that this is not normal behavior. Although, she can't understand why her grandmother behaves like a child sometimes. My daughter says she gets tired of being the adult in the situation when things get like this. Yet, I get told she's being rude and disrespectful. Luckily, my daughter will show me their text conversations (the app doesn't allow anything to be deleted) so I can see for myself what's going on- and it isn't my daughter. It's straight bullying, guilting, and absolutely ridiculous. We have told our daughter to stop responding when she gets like that. Let her argue with herself. Say I'll ttyl, put a heart, and disengage. It's hard because she's only 12.

[Midori]

It is very hard for your daughter to feel as if she has to be the adult with her Grandma. Could you perhaps get he another SIM card for her phone? Don't let Granny have the new number!

It's very unkind for her Grandma to keep on at her like this. No contact would seem to be the right way again, 12 is too young to have to shoulder that kind of responsibility, and can give her emotional problems she doesn't need.

Also, you should remind MIL what you discussed and agreed, and tell he she is breaking the agreement.

Cheers, Midori

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Midori]

She uses an app to communicate bc her phone isn't turned on. I didnt put her grandmother on the contacts, my husband did. At the time, she refused to unblock me so I could put her on... Removing her would be on my husband, and he grew up with this so to him and his siblings this is "just how she is." they don't see it as a big issue. I can't imagine growing up like that. She isn't even near as bad as she was when my husband was a kid.

[Midori in reply to silentdreamer20]

Hmm, using an app makes things more difficult, I don't use them so I can't advise on that, but your husband should be taking more responsibility and tell your MIL she is out of line, or preferably block her again.

Tell him it's bad for your daughter to have to tolerate this behaviour, show him the messages and tell him your daughter shouldn't have to put up with this from Granny.

Other wise, if he won't stand up to MIL, perhaps you should be considering a separation, which again wouldn't be good for your lass, but less bad, I think than having to tolerate the bad behaviour.

Cheers, Midori

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Midori]

It's complicated, but in the past, we have come close to separating because of his parents. He gets involved when it's a direct situation but he tends not to see it as a big thing when it's more passive aggressive, or subtle in his eyes. Its strange. But again, this is "just her".