Here we go again...

[RupertBrown]

So a situation has come up that is causing me great anxiety. It's a recurring thing that I just don't think I have the strength to deal with right now. It has caused me a lot of upset in the past and I haven't been in a good place lately and I don't know what I'm going to do. Why do I fall apart like this? I can't keep doing this, something has to give.

[LifeIsThePitts]

What's going on? Are you safe?

We all know how hard fighting every day for a piece 🧩 of ✌️🕊️ Peace can be. It takes a toll on us over time. What has triggered you into the spiral? Are u with someone you trust today?

[RupertBrown in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

I am safe. I am trying to stay grounded in the present. I think its helping. The panic has subsided a little. It's been a lot lately, I've quit smoking, quit drinking and this year has been pretty crappy so far. I'm just feeling very frayed lately.. i will find the strength somehow. Thanks for your compassion and concern, it helps knowing someone has my back.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to RupertBrown]

I've been where you are. Giving up our bad coping mechanisms, strategies and habits that hinder our progress is a very hard transition to accomplish. My own addictions/crutches from cigarettes, meth, cocaine and FOOD were killing me while my physical and mental health continued to go untreated and unchecked, running my Life ragged and undermining any attempts at personal progress and growth. I was done with Life in Jan '22. Ready to check out "hotel California" style. (The eagles are One of my favorite bands) ...but there is always another side of the coin. I'm in a completely different headspace today and grateful for the support I've found here.

You're doing AMAZING THINGS!! DO NOT sell yourself short, Rupert. I'm so impressed by what you're trying to do for yourself in order to live a quality life. I'm SO glad you reached out for support today.

There are plenty of Days I wanna quit, too. But I think about how far I've come in 17 months and I can't discount the improvements... they're beyond my wildest expectations. We've got your back, buddy 😉

[RupertBrown in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

I appreciate the support, and good on you for turning things around! I know all that you said is true. I get into a panic sometimes and lose sight of the progress I have made. Thanks again!

[Atthepark in reply to RupertBrown]

That's awesome u quit drinking and smoking I wish I could good job it is soon hard u r so strong of a person to quit that stuff I'm proud of u

[RupertBrown in reply to Atthepark]

Thanks! You will do it too, when you are able.

[AnxiousSilver]

"So a situation has come up that is causing me great anxiety. It's a recurring thing that I just don't think I have the strength to deal with right now."

Is this something that is in or not in your control?

My guess (without knowing) is the latter, but I'm just trying to help.

[RupertBrown in reply to AnxiousSilver]

It is somewhat in my control actually. But it involves setting boundaries, and I am so unaccustomed to doing that. I struggle in that area and I'm already at a very low point. I will find a way I guess,

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to RupertBrown]

Oooo... boundaries! Funny you should say that!! I'm in the process of finding my voice and setting boundaries for myself and others in my life instead of being a doormat and people pleaser.

Boundaries are not restrictions, they are tools.😉

[MaggieSylvie in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Me too. I just wish I could defend myself in a court of law because it's so far one-sided.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Be your own Court of law! Sit on your "bench" with gavel and robe and preside over the verdict of "what does Maggie need". If it doesn't fit your vision or journey... dedicate yourself to identifying a solution that works for YOU. not anyone elses opinion...not your mom, dad, siblings, friends, coworkers, boss, neighbors. What in your heart of hearts motivates you to your core? Do you know? Can you list 3 things?

Mine are my husband, dogs and mental health healing. Those are my BIG 3.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

It's important for my mental health not to be accused of murder and lying when these things are so very far from the truth. I wish it would go to court because my name could be cleared before this nonsense goes any further. I don't have control over these accusations. Friendship is important and peace and quiet.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to MaggieSylvie]

O woah 😦😳 did not see that angle coming. Are u being unfairly charged with murder?!?😱

[MaggieSylvie in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

I have not been charged but I have been accused of leaving my partner lying on the floor while I had breakfast and lying about everything. I want to write to our GPs to tell them what is going on (much good may it do me) but our printer is not working. I have had a long period when my computer was not working i.e. I could not type on it. That is fixed but the printer still seems to be obstinate. Partner went in hospital and they have increased his insulin and not checked how this would work in real life. Now we know.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Is he still in the hospital or did he pass away? You're being blamed for his insulin being too high?

[MaggieSylvie in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

No, he came home on Thursday - the same day they increased his insulin without seeing if it worked before sending him home. I'm being blamed for leaving him on the floor when his sugar level was too low. I didn't know he was there and I'm still wondering if he didn't partially stage his hypo while I was having breakfast. He could not know that his level was only just below dangerous, and he is making out that it was a lot lower and that I saw him lying there and just left him. He is claiming all sorts of things, like he couldn't have breakfast this morning because there was no milk. Also untrue. He has been calling me names all evening and now he has stopped. Perhaps he has come to his senses, I don't know. I'm not taking any more of this s**t.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to MaggieSylvie]

O my. This doesn't sound like it's any of your fault. Do you have somewhere else to go? A friend or relative? This sounds like something isn't right with your partner. Is he normally abusive like this?

[MaggieSylvie in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

You are right - something isn't right with my partner. His abusiveness switches on and off; it definitely seems to be connected to blood sugar (He's Type 1 Diabetic). They've done tests and say his brain is alright. And no, I don't have anywhere to go. No family. He has five daughters and he has nowhere to go either! This morning you'd think nothing had happened.

[plaganon5 in reply to RupertBrown]

Setting boundaries can be hard. I used to struggle a lot with boundaries but it gets easier the more you do it.

[RupertBrown in reply to plaganon5]

That is encouraging to hear. I've always had a problem in this area, particularly when it comes to friends and loved ones.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to RupertBrown]

Family often gets a Free Pass to treat us WORSE than STRANGERS. We allow those closest to us to hurt us more because they play significant lifetime roles and influence our development. Over time, they loosen their emotional grip on us, either by passing away, growing up, or physically moving away. but the psychological damage can be catastrophic to our psyches. Family Trauma can be the hardest to heal from.

My husband is estranged from his entire toxic family since Feb '17. If you've read my posts/comments about it, it's a horrible destructive situation that no one should live under. He finally removed himself from their hold and he's still working through the process but it was the best decision for him.

I don't recommend estrangement. Our circumstances included severe abuse and multiple felonies with an extended prison sentence. It included intervention from Homeland Security and the district attorney in Indiana where hubbys brother was prosecuted. Not a good thing.

[RupertBrown in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Sorry about that, glad to hear he's moving on. In my case it's a close friend. He's an alcoholic and is very pushy and I'm tired of letting him walk all over me. It's hard to say anything for a lot of reasons, most of which are all in my head. But I know I can't keep going on this way and I need to turn the page. He represents a part of my life I'm trying to move on from and it's hard on several levels. Part of me just wants to rip the band-aid off, so to speak, and let the chips fall where they may. But I don't want to be cruel and I just can't see how not to.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to RupertBrown]

Sounds like this person has worn out his welcome in your life. You've outgrown him as he's stuck in the past and in his own hell-ish existence. This is not your concern or problem. You're making HUGE strides in your own progress and He is keeping you ⚓ anchored to his trauma by fueling your own panic in a collateral damage kinda way.

You already know what The best thing for you to do is. I can feel your conflict. You're a great friend in this aspect, but it's causing you too much grief. If you explain that your sobriety is crucial for you to heal and that being around him isn't a healthy choice for you from this point on. At least it's on you and not him. I definitely can see the conflict and turmoil. But he shouldn't be imposing himself or his actions on you, regardless.

[RupertBrown in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Thanks for this. This is exactly how I feel and I think I just needed to hear it confirmed. It's still hard though. We have a long history, but I've changed so much in the past few years. Faced my childhood trauma and have stopped running from it. I just can't see a way forward that includes him. It's a shame, and I struggle to do what needs to be done. And it eats me alive inside. Thanks for all your kindness and support, it means a lot to me.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to RupertBrown]

You are very welcome. Coming to the conclusion that moving forward means leaving some people behind is not an easy realization.

Im reminded of a scene in one of my favorite movies by Wes Anderson the Darjeeling Express. Three brothers are on a mission to locate their mom. End of the story, they're running to catch the train 🚂 that's leaving the 🚉 station without them. Chasing the train to get on board before they're all left behind, they need to discard every piece of "baggage" 🧳 they've been lugging around in order to move forward with their journey.

It hit me like a ton of bricks the symbolism behind the superficial scene and familial ties we have to shed on order to live lives authentic to ourselves...and it's not necessarily the framework that we were brought up in.

Even though this is your friend, he has been like a family member to you. Breaking the ties that bind are one of the most difficult to reframe in our mental health journey. Don't lose sight of your accomplishments. You should be applauded for what you're doing. Stay strong and resilient, you can do this. Boundaries are tools!!

[RupertBrown in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Wow, lot to unpack there... pun inteded lol! Going to be thinking about this for a while.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to RupertBrown]

😉😉😉☺️ Hope you have a restful evening. Sleep well 💤

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to plaganon5]

Boundaries are a verb and need to be inacted and actively readjusted as you age. Our needs vary as we get older. I'm trying to embrace aging gracefully...too bad I have 2 Left feet 🤷

[MaggieSylvie in reply to plaganon5]

Boundaries, yes. "How dare you look at me like that!" "I am not your slave". This doesn't seem to be working. I do believe I will be able to set some.

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Finding your voice will empower you to stand up for yourself. Kudos 🎉👏 you've had a good day!

[Mrspjsmom]

You are stronger than you realize and will get through this with alot of support from the people here. We will be here for you whenever you need us.

[RupertBrown in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Thanks, I may need that. I will manage somehow.

[Mrspjsmom in reply to RupertBrown]

We are here

[MaggieSylvie in reply to RupertBrown]

Rupert, I have read that you have given up drinking; you've given up smoking and all at the same time, is that right? And now you're trying to give up this friendship. One thing at a time, friend. No wonder you are feeling so messed up. Talk about ripping the band aid off - you're trying to rip off at least three band aids at the same time. No wonder it hurts. Pick one thing. Celebrate your successes one by one.🙂

[RupertBrown in reply to MaggieSylvie]

To be honest I gave up drinking last fall and the cigarettes about a month ago. I didn't mean to make it sound simultaneous.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to RupertBrown]

That's ok. It's good that you did that, and only you can know when it's time to change the next thing. You are doing well. Now you need some solitary time when you can consider all things relating to your relationship with this other person. I also need some time.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to RupertBrown]

You're getting a lot of good support and advice. I'm here too. Don't let a kind heart lead you to betraying your own needs. It's not selfish to need to be well.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Mrspjsmom]

You can get support too.🤗

[Wakeboarder24]

in my experience, this end result is usually in the middle between what I was hoping and my worst fear

[RupertBrown]

Thanks for this. My drinking was never all that bad, (I was often the driver). Usually 1-3 drinks a night, and not even every night. But it's just I'm ready to leave that partying part of my life behind. I see now I was just using it to hide from my troubles. I'm ready to use new, healthier coping mechanisms. And I just want to turn the page. Thanks for this resource, I hope I don't need it, but I'm glad to know about it.

[Nothing_but_books]

I haven't gotten any alerts from you in forever! It's this place. Lots of stuff is screwed up. Do say hi tomorrow, I've missed you.