The What Ifs

[AutumnLove]

Just wondering if others here have issues with living in the past and replaying all The "What ifs" from recent and long ago...😔

[Hidden]

Unfortunately. It's exhausting!!!!!You okay?

[AutumnLove in reply to Hidden]

I am doing ok but living in the past and wishing for do overs seems like a common occurrence for me.. I guess hindsight is always 20/20 they say..😔

[AutumnLove in reply to AutumnLove]

Thanks for asking NorW!

[Hidden in reply to AutumnLove]

Glad you are okay.What do you say to yourself when you think back? I say, "I should have done____". I have learned that substituting the word "could" where I have a "should" frees up my guilt some. For example, I can say "I could have done this instead of that yesterday" instead of saying "I should have done....". Try it. Take something you feel guilty about and tell yourself, "I could have done_____". Do you hear the difference? "Should" has a very harsh connotation to it.

[CandiceRW]

I have to stop myself from doing this all day long, everyday. Especially when it comes to my kids. My 23yr old daughter's ok, but is a Mensa genius and is not doing much with her life at this point. And my 17yr old son has severe OCD. So the "what ifs" are driving me crazy. I know there is so much I could have done differently to have them have a better life at this point. But I need to accept that I did the best I could in those past situations and that they will be fine.

I do everything I can now, research, advocate, support and not pressure them. And I know that's what I should be doing.

But still the "what ifs" are always there. I literally have to say out loud to myself "stop it" to stop ruminating about it.

It sucks 😔

[AutumnLove in reply to CandiceRW]

Yep! Living in the past is literally killing me some days!😔

[SurvivingEveryday]

Yep! I am always in the past. I overthink decisions, actions, mistakes... even things that other people didn't notice. Things that were too insignificant to recognize. I cope by reading, walking, yoga, meditation... anything to help ground me. It's still a struggle, though.

[Daesin]

I did this with a past relationship. I beat myself up over maybe if I done this this way or maybe find said that instead. I really tore myself up until I heard some thing very wise.

You will never be able to embrace your future while you’re hugging the ghost of your past. Your hands are too full with things that you can’t do anything about and it keeps you from molding the future that you need.

Good luck

[AutumnLove in reply to Daesin]

Love that and will remember it and use it! Thank you!😊❤

[Daesin]

There was a psychologist who had a really cool theory on the Tyranny of the Shoulds. Karen Horney …pronounced horn eye as the professor had to tell us over and over. I still giggle 🤭 It’s basically the question you asked. Fascinating reading.

[AutumnLove in reply to Daesin]

I may look into it! Ty

[Hb2003]

Definitely it sometimes makes my anxiety worse

[AutumnLove in reply to Hb2003]

Mine fosure!

[Agora1]

AutumnLove, I've learned that those 2 words "what if" can keep us stuck in a never ending cycle. We can't go back and afraid to go forward.

Instead, I use the past as a learning experience in my life so that I may continue

to live and not just exist. xx

[AutumnLove in reply to Agora1]

Exactly... I spent 3weeks recently barely eatting and sleeping and going over the what ifs and blaming myself for my wifes Cancer and how I somehow couldve prevented it.. It took her, my Sister and a ER trip to snap me outta the thinking.. I have to be in the moment each day now I cant look back and think about what I could've done to change the outcome of things.... Its futile and stealing away the rest of life..Im a work in progress and Im so Happy I found this Forum and you all! Ty🙏🏼❤

[Isinatra in reply to Agora1]

I’ve replaced my what ifs or should haves with thank god I didn’ts.

[Agora1 in reply to Isinatra]

I love that Isinatra xx

[Isinatra in reply to Agora1]

😉

[Dolphin14]

The " What ifs" I know them well. They can be haunting. Hind sight doesn't help us either. We can't fix that, there's no rewind button unfortunately.

I'm sorry about your wife's cancer diagnosis. I hope she is doing ok? Do you have a support system. I joined a support group when my sister was diagnosed. It was for any family member dealing with the day to day ups and downs of our journeys.

Let's try and put the past behind and look to the present and what we can do now to get through. I know it's easier said than done.

My thoughts are with you and your wife

🐬

[fauxartist]

It's a pretty common issue with a lot of us I think, I have rumination issues when it's quiet and I'm trying to go to sleep. I used to have a problem with rumination during the day as well, but thanks to some pretty good therapy over the years, I've learned that we cannot change the past, and only live in the here and now. All the would haves, should haves, and could haves won't change anything. Only how we choose to deal with stuff today. It's paramount to learn to let go... yes... some of us have scars no one can see, but we can learn to live with them and not let them define us. I have to get to the root of something first though, and either accept it, and then let go of things we just have no control over.

[AutumnLove in reply to fauxartist]

Excellent way to look at it! Ty😊

[Sueislove]

Yes a lot but only when my depression is really bad like now I just try and catch myself and say nope we are living in the present and think about now . Hope that helps 🙏😊