What is the point of life

[Heruga]

What is the point of life when everyone eventually betrays me, significant other betrays me, have a shitty unstable job that I hate, have had anxiety for 14 years now since I was only 10, have depression for almost 10 years, have IBS and constantly fear having accidents in public-which also prevents me from driving long distance and being out in public for a long time, being antisocial, everything in my life goes the way I didn't want it to turn out... I am planning an end sometime in the future when the worst of the worst hits me. Honestly I don't think I can live another 60-70 years with this depressing life. Please don't mention any religious talks or jesus loves you or anything like that as I am not religious.

[Heruga]

I watch a lot of anime and love plants and gardening but I don't get any motivation to even do those when I am depressed.. my favorite hobbies and activities are completely blocked by my depression

PS: Btw I like you avatar. Touka ftw right. Though I liked tsukiyama the best

[Kassicus]

Hear you on being unsure about doing another 60-70 years. I intentionally live as unhealthily as I can, even so apart from taking a long walk off a short pier I figure I figure I have at least another 25-30 years to go. It’s a very discouraging thought.

I’m certainly not in the hold on just because camp. You wouldn’t continue to eat a meal that only tasted awful but made you more hungry. You wouldn’t continue to play a game or watch a movie that wasnt just not entertaining but left you more in need of entertainment than when you started. Nor do I believe this too shall pass. People say don’t bugger off because you don’t know for sure it won’t get better, but they of course don’t know that it will. It might, I mean anything is possible, I just don’t believe it is likely in my case. Mostly with people who haven’t experienced it (though you sometimes get it from people who have and are doing better, but seem to have forgotten just how bad it was - they remember it hurt, just not how severely), there’s this tone that points to the thought that depression is a zero, but of course nowhere in the rules does it say it stops at zero. It actively creates a defecit, making what should bring joy (or least mild satisfaction) positively painful.

Anyway, for me. I can’t make the decision that I’m going to commit to whatever is left of the ride. I probably will kill myself at some point, but I won’t do it today. That’s as much “positivity” as I can muster. Sometimes I can’t commit to the entire day, or even half of it. Sometimes (sometime happening more and more these days) it’s I won’t do it right this second and that’s all I can do. Whatever period of time I put it off for I *always* promise myself I can seriously consider it later (tomorrow, this afternoon, in 3 seconds).

As for why not just up and do it already, 3 reasons - 1) I have a daughter, though to be honest I just pay that argument lip service. I mean yeah it’s a consideration but I’ve always been selfish, self centered, and self absorbed so it’s hard for me to seriously buy that I’ll do something or not do something for someone else, even my kid. If their needs align with my wants, lucky them, and maybe I even claim I did it for them if they don’t realize I’m getting what I want out of it. 2) I try not to make any decisions when I’m overly emotional or intoxicated. Not a hard and fast rule, I like to leave my options open, but call it a goal. I like to believe I’ve seriously and exhaustively weighed my options. 3) This is probably the big one, just plain chicken. I’m becoming less scared as the pain increases and my resistance decreases, but it’s hard to hurt yourself. Millions of years of evolutionary hard wiring and all that.

I would encourage you to hold off on a decision like that. Not trying to patronize but one of the reasons I used to allow myself permission to jump is that I’ve reasonably exhausted other options. As a logical matter there’s always one more thing to try first but let’s face it, I’m not going to take up mountain climbing or yoga or meet the woman of my dreams (already met and married her, she died). I believe you put it out there that you’re 24, which isn’t a kid, but that’s a touch young for a lot of people to say they’ve tried most of what they reasonably can (at least in my less than humble opinion). Feel free to message if you want to vent. Hang in there today, or until later, or until 3 seconds from now. You can always jump then.

[Heruga in reply to Kassicus]

Hey Kassicus, I think we basically have the same mind or something. I too try to live in a way that will shorten my lifespan. Actually I don't even think I'm trying. My lifestyle itself basically is probably going to shorten my lifespan. I'm constantly and always stressed about everything. Every little thing. I also lose weight no matter how much junk and sugar I consume. And I'm also the same as you that I wish to commit suicide one day but not now because I have goals I want to accomplish. Even if I got mental issues I am a human after all and would like to accomplish something in life before its over. I also have some family. No friends but I've got a good family.

And its only because I'm 24-well technically turning 24 in 2 months, that I don't want to live all those hellish years.. I've already experienced misery and despair and I don't want anymore of those for another at least half a century

[Kassicus in reply to Heruga]

My only goal is to be able to wake up and not feel so awful. Or at the very least find the bottom - I know it’s down there somewhere but f me if I can find it. It’d be nice to stop honestly answering the question how are you with only slightly worse than yesterday.

I get your point on the age. I frequently say it could be worse for me. I could be 16 and have another 60+ years to go. My point was that at 24, a lot of people really can’t say they’ve realistically tried everything to make things better. I don’t know you of course, perhaps you have. I have no problem with suicide. It can be logical, it can be moral (not just the army guy jumping on a grenade to save his comrades or the 80 year old with a painful terminal illness), and it can also be the right choice imo. But I also believe it should be THE last option. As I said before I don’t mean the last option thing literally, I haven’t tried running with the bulls but I realistically won’t ever get to Pamplona, and I haven’t tried sticking a cattle prod up my rear but I highly doubt that will help.

[Jonpbillingsleyjr in reply to Kassicus]

Good read. Well said.

[Want2BHappy3]

WOW sounds bad. Have you seek counciling? If not you should try? And try group sessions? It made me feel better seeing that I was not alone and hearing how they deal with their anxiety. There's different things you can try. For the first time in a long time I actually feel good. My anxiety was so Bad I had to quit my 32 year job, stayed in bed for months and barely ate, almost a week at a time not eating only drinking water some days knowing I would only making things worse. I take medication sometimes. There are some days when I feel it coming back, I fight it by talking to myself and reflecting on my situation at the moment that everything is GOOD. Stay away from people who say "just get over it". If they only knew? They wouldn't say that. So Good Luck

[Heruga in reply to Want2BHappy3]

I've done counciling before from a therapist and it helps me for a bit but after a while I go back to my original self. For me nothing seems to help my depression and unmotivation unless the certain situation that is making me depressed changes and goes to the good side.

[Cruelife]

The answer to "what is the point" is relative to the state of mind. There are people under much worse conditions but still fight to survive everyday. The difference between them and us is the chemistry in the brain (our depression). When negative thoughts start, I tell myself that this is just my "traitor" brain controlling me. These thoughts are like looking away from what is real. It is the betrayors who are bad and have a problem, not you. Not all are like that. There are millions of ways to earn money. Figuring out another way is a good distraction (search the internet for your interests). There is nothing wrong with not wanting to socialise. You own your time and you can do whatever you want with it. Many people don't drive. So what? There are other means of getting from one place to another. The problem might be because you are too intelligent (thinks too much), conciencious, decent human being. When others tell me to be "strong", I think it just means to train your brain to make you thick-faced and desensitized to difficult situations. And in the end, just shrug off all the "bad" things that happened and laugh at them. That's the best revenge. Before you know it, you'll be 30, living a life that is so way different from the one you have now, not near thinking of ending it.

[Heruga in reply to Cruelife]

Thanks. I may become happy with life at times and feel like my life is actually good but I think I have already decided that I will end my life when the worst comes. I am actually planning on how to do it and where. Am I insane and mentally ill for thinking this?

[Cruelife in reply to Heruga]

We've all been there, thinking like you. A long time ago, I did my own research for the where and how. And I know no amount of words from anyone can change your state of mind. That is depression, a common mental disorder. The human brain tricking us. Not even animals want to kill themselves. For you, I suspect it's just the serotonin deficiency in the brain caused by junk food, sugar, etc. that's causing all the overwhelming negative thoughts. I used to think life was against me, but no, it's just the brain. Have you ever done something that you hated, but you did it anyway because people said it was necessary? Like going to school, eating greens or something like that? It's like going against what your brain wanted you to do. Well this is one of those times again. Think pass those negative thoughts and get to the bottom of things. You'll realise that what you feel right now does not make sense as compared to reality (passed the negative thoughts). Then ask yourself, am I being tricked by my own brain? You have a cerebral cortex that makes you logical enough to double check.

[Heruga in reply to Cruelife]

Yes I do eat a lot of sugar and junk.. but I also eat a lot of fruits and vegetables too. And yea I did a lot like going to school, staying overtime for work because my boss mandates it, doing homework... guess I will try to work on my brain like you say. Thanks

[missskippy in reply to Heruga]

I did things like knowing when I die it will be suicide too. Hoped for getting really sick by smoking and now made up my mind I will live only until I lose the people I love most. That is what keeps me alive right now. I've failed to die and get mad at myself for screwing that up to. That was when I thought I will hang on only as long as my parents and dog are alive. I just had my b'day and felt like killing myself then but my birthday is the same as my dad's and don't want him to think of me everytime he has a birthday. My family is close but I think they must be sick of me always being down and it makes me feel bad they think it might be their fault. I have told my family that if I die by suicide it is something that they wouldn't be able to help with it is all me. I just try to hide how I feel so they think I am getting better. I always have it in my mind though but not when. I missed out on so much since I was your age 24 and I'm 57 now. It doesn't feel worth it anymore for me, I'm too old to do any of the things I missed. I've felt guilty also for not being able to go to see relatives who cared about me and now their gone and guilt just builds up. I don't know why I keep talking about myself. I guess I don't know what advice to give so maybe I'll just hope someone gives you the advise you need. I have been on this site for only a few weeks so I don't want you to get hurt because of something I said. I do find reading what others do and say helps me think of someone else other than myself.

[Supergoof in reply to missskippy]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have had a similar course in life. Trying to live until your loved ones are gone is an absolutely good reason to hold on for a while. Once they are gone, we can always reevaluate, but I agree, as I got past my 30s and into my 40s, there is some worth in the experiences I had that I would not have if I had taken my own life. I still think of blowing my head off and making all the pain go away often, but I do still have loved ones that give me a reason to live. Until they die, I will live. Thank you.

[mysmugcat]

I think I am here to help others. I seem to have a knack at it. And I love my cat many times a few times a year I've drunk too much out of stress etc and been very unwell. But I'm still here. Like a cat with nine lives. My bad experiences help others. Do you ever watch comedy? My life is not peachy. But that's my Pennyworth/ thoughts.

[Heruga in reply to mysmugcat]

Thanks. I can tell you like cats. I'm a dog person and I love my dog too. He seems to help me out when I'm depressed. I don't really watch comedy.. maybe some comedy movies though. Recently I watched Jumanji and I thought that was very funny

[missskippy in reply to Heruga]

I am a dog person too. I find they are my best friends who don't judge and loves you no matter what you do. It comforts me. The only thing is I lost my best friend and after 11 years feel I am still not able to look at his picture without wanting to be with him. I sort of believe they come back or are still with you sometimes. Unless I am just hoping too much, but I used to have my dog sleep on my bed and after he passed away and fall asleep after crying so much I woke up because I felt the bed move the when someone gets into bed like he did. I was wide awake then and still felt it. I think it was my dog and he comes when I am so depressed. I have another dog and worried about her leaving too.

[Tikirob]

The point some say is that exactly what you wrote about, to suffer. Why, I have no idea. The only anecdote is to laugh as much as you can at how rediculous it all is. Some catch breaks and others fall into a puddle day after day. If you have any other thought besides how cruel life can be please try to hold on to it and develop it into a comfort zone. Some people bake cookies and become millionaires. There might be something alongside all the nonsense you can grab onto to make it more fun.

[LadyO4]

I respect your request to leave out Jesus, but I honestly cannot ignore your cry for help, knowing that there is only one way you can be set free from these debilitating emotions. I don't think people actually hate Jesus, but rather hate the way people package him up and then go live lives that are so contrary to what they believe. I get it.

Let me pray for you, that peace will find its way back into your life, a peace that passes all understanding, and a peace that will guard your heart and your mind. There are answers - I hope you are able to look in the right places to find them. Blessings.

[TriggerPoint]

With ALL Due Respect Of Course My Friend. Jesus ? The Religious Leaders "Hated" Him With A Passion. God Is NOT A "Religion". People Can Worship "Religion" And Miss The Whole Truth.... "Religions" Are Man Made... [ no offence whatsoever. it is amazing how so many people despise such a good man. just because he helped people. maybe you & him have more in common than you think ? ]

We Do Care About You & You DO Matter Friend~*

Again. No Offence...Just Trying To Share A Prospective.....

YOU MATTER.....

You May Delete This If You Wish. But No Harm Intended....

[Hidden]

Heruga: I notice your post is very old and you seem to be fairly young, so my heart goes out to you. I got my first depression at the age of 29. Back then (I am an old bastard) the mental health system was much, much better. I was put into hospital for two months until they found something that worked. These days 3 days is the maximum time you are given. WOW! Whenever I see a public service announcement on tv about depression saying there is help it really pisses me off. Once I even called the tv station and told them this was bullshit. I said that they should continue the spot but add only if you are rich. I have not had a therapist since 2016. I was a patient at a pain clinic which helped me a lot, but for some reason the doctor decided to refer me to somewhere else. He sent me to cam-h the biggest mental hospital in the city of Toronto. I was not happy about this at all having been there twice and finding them totally incompetent. I didn't even know they had a pain clinic. After the seminar I asked the moderator if I could apply for a therapist, they told me "Oh we don't do that anymore". I just looked at her and said "What the hell do you do". She replied that they do one time sessions to give advice! You should see the size of this place. They even have a wing for violent, insane people who have killed. I hope this post gets to you and you are still around in all ways and anything I can do to help(after all I am more experienced than you) and please don't be put off by my age. I still have the brain of a 30 year old.....robertcass