My friend said "he's a typical guy"

[Stardust2022]

...and it got me really upset. I have relationship/abandonment anxiety that I've been working on. My new bf is not super intellectual and didn't even finish college (I have a graduate degree) but I love how he makes me feel when I'm with him. But it still sits in the back of my mind and when my friend told me when I asked her what should I get him for Christmas that he's a typical guy and what does he like. Shall I tell her it got me upset? At the same time, I want to choose my battles. Maybe it's not worth getting upset about. But I don't want my bf to be called ordinary or typical. I want him to be special, because to me he is. Why does it matter to me so much what others think? I wish I could just stop worrying about that or put too much emphasis on validation from others.

[ChronicLegend]

I don't really understand, but I think that as long he is special to you and you 2 have a good relationship that is what matters.

[Obscured]

From what I am reading, I don't think it was meant as an insult, but more of an offhand comment...like he's a regular guy so just get him "guy" stuff. i personally would not find this upsetting, so I feel like it would be best to let it go. There's nothing wrong with being normal or typical or average, but I do think it's really sweet that he is so special to you and that you want others to recognize that.

[The_Color_Blue]

I’m not even sure I know what a “typical guy” is anymore, but perhaps it was something she said off-the-cuff - without thinking about what it really meant. While I think it’s unlikely a real friend would say that to hurt you, I think you can and should be honest about you feel and the type of communication you expect from other people (about your bf).

I also think it’s possible to do this in a direct and yet non-confrontational way by saying something like, “you know, the last time we spoke you called (my bf) a ‘typical guy.’ The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don’t see him that way at all. When we’re together, he makes me feel (…). I love that he (…). I’m incredibly proud of the fact that he (…). To be honest, the reason I’m with him is precisely because he isn’t like all the other men I’ve met/dated. In that sense, he is completely atypical and I’m so profoundly grateful for that. I hope in time you will see him beyond one dimension - and get to know him for the incredible person he is.”

I think this (in your own words, of course), leaves the conversation open. Your friend has the opportunity to come back and say, “oh hey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything negative - I simply meant…”. With that, the issue may be put to rest. But even if she says nothing, you’ve made clear how you feel about him and set a standard that lays how you expect others to treat him. In the next conversation, you may find that your friend begins speaking about him differently. However. (if, down the road) your friend continues saying things that offend you, then you draw a harder line in the sand and make clear that while she is entitled to her opinion, you will not listen to disparaging remarks about your partner.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who is proud to be their partner, and who will brag about them behind their back. Ultimately your friends will take signals from you about how to treat and perceive your bf. Certainly if a friend came to me and was effusive in her adoration of her bf, I would think more highly of him than if my friend referred to him as “fine, ok, or typical.”

I think the bigger question is: why didn’t you stand up for him in that moment? It seems as though you’re waiting for your friend’s approval before you’ll actually admit to liking this guy. From your post, it appears that you have concerns about what your relationship with this man says about you - and you’re ultimately concerned that people will look down on you for it.

You deserve to be with a person who doesn’t embarrass you. You deserve to be with someone you will proudly tell all of your friends about. And frankly, he deserves to be with someone who isn’t too fearful or ashamed to speak up for him. Usually, when we’re overly concerned with what other people think - it means we don’t trust ourselves and lack the self confidence needed to be our own source of validation. From the sound of it, you’re seeking validation from your friends - rather than sharing your own opinion - because you’re afraid that they would disagree/make fun of you/tell you that you’re wrong. The solution is to decide that YOU know what’s best for you; that you are capable of making the best decisions in your own life; that you have value and worth and it doesn’t matter if other people dislike or disagree with you - because none of that detracts from your value or worth. Once you begin setting your own boundaries and standing up for yourself, you will find that it’s easier to stand up for others too.

[AuntBee]

I personally think “typical guy” is not such a bad label. There are alot of labels out there. She doesn’t know him like you do. She doesn’t know his likes, dislikes, hobbies, personality characteristics, habits, etc. I think there are alot of offensive labels but “typical” I don’t consider offensive. All that being said, when I hear “typical guy” as it pertains to a gift, I hear a suggestion to get what men may commonly like such as tools, football jersey, take him for a steak dinner, get him something for his car. That is a “typical guy” gift. I believe your friend was referencing the gift as “typical guy”, not that HE is a “typical guy”. Thats my take on it anyway.

[Hidden]

I'm wondering what do you have a graduate degree in??? I sadly don't have a college degree. I have taken a slew of classes where I'm close to getting an associates, but I've had some trauma in my life and now I'm 51. Sure as hell wish I at least had that now. But everyone is different and people go at their own pace. I'd actually like to be a book author. But I don't want to write cheesy romance novels, I'd like to write something substantial. Anyhow, about the typical guy comment, I'm not trying to sound narcissistic, but I just think you're being a little sensitive about it, and that's okay, I can see where you're coming from. Just brush it off. People say all kinds of things and we can replay that stuff over and over in our minds or just say to ourselves, let it go. 🦋

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Okay, I meant to say an author of a book. I apologize for the not so proper English.