Online relationship (please don't judge)

[Against_the_current]

Hi. This is really uncomfortable to talk about but it's eating me alive. It's really killing me. I can't do anything. I even started fainting. I talked to my therapist but she was silent. I take my meds. Okay so i better finally spill it. This year has been a nightmare for me. My whole life was a nightmare. I suffered from anxiety and have a mentally unstable bipolar mom with drinking and anger issues. I got so scared that i escaped home and went to dad's house (they're divorsed since 2018). This runaway happened november 2020. Meanwhile covid was making everything even worse. Moreover i was still scared because of my mom's behaviour, it was my second runaway in 2020, when i found out dad's girlfriend was pregnant. I lost it. I can't even describe how broken i was. I completely lost my sanity. One year later, i'm still struggling. And If it wasn't an online friend i met around my birthday, at August 2020, i would kill myself. I was losing it. He was there for me when nobody wasn't. When my life was falling apart. I had defences at first but he penetrated them all. Was so loving, i needed this dopamine. I needed this drug to stay alive. Litterary my life was failing apart. I still haven't recovered. And he was the only good thing. The problem is that he's from a different culture, far away. For me it's perfect - my therapist said I can't maintain a real relationship in real life yet but i still need love and help and support and attention, i'm a human too (despite nobody giving a damn about me - my drunk mom and pregnancy invoking dad didn't even realise i was in hell every day, i had no real university and no friends because of covid, nobody gived a damn whether i was alive or not, nobody gave a damn i was battling for my life every damn second, keeping my father's secret, taking care of mom and teenage sis, bearing my own anxiety, trauma, covid, world crisises, Studies... I had no happiness in life. So i falled. I did everything he wanted just because i was scared he would leave. Recently he's going colder and colder towards me. I'm good with a long distance, i can't have irl relationship. But he wants it real. But in his culture you have to marry to have it real. And i can't do this. Leave alone i'm mentally and physically unwell. I'm still living on rent, i'm still studying, i don't have a job, i don't have money and i can't just marry someone i met online, nor can i change countries. I can't maintain a real life relationship. But the problem is i can't let go. I can't watch him marry abother girl. Just because i'm mentally unstable. It would be unfair to break my defences, get into my heart, use my weakness to take advantage of me, just to leave me. I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT SUPPORT AND ATTENTION. I'm perfect with a long distance, nothing more and nothing less. I can't live without support. At least i can't let him go If i don't have a replace. All my day would be a misery. I need someone to text when my mom is getting drunk or when my sister is getting traumatized or when i'm losing it. I'm a human. I can't be so strong. I'm really trying my best, i swear, i take care of everyone, i go to therapy, i take my meds, i study and have excellent marks, i try to live alone, i try to help everyone. But nobody gives me credit. All while losing my mind. I'm a human too. Thanks for reading my confession

[Opportunity]

My heart goes out to you. I’m not judging you at all. My goodness, I’m admiring your self-awareness. 😍 And I agree; you deserve credit for your perseverance through this.

[Against_the_current in reply to Opportunity]

Thank you very much 🙏❤️

[Sabbath1]

No judgment , have you looked or anything for online friends who are just that? Not wanting to get married? Sorry you're going through all this. You can message me anytime if you want.

[Against_the_current in reply to Sabbath1]

I have, just this was terrible. I'm absolutely broken. I can't even describe it. How can someone be so cruel to take advantage of someone's pain to just break them? Today had a really rough conversation and i feel like it Ended but i don't feel like it did. It's confusing, probably can't write it good because of crying all day. I just went through hell this year.

[Against_the_current]

I don't think he can. Today had a really terrible conversation and i think it Ended but still i don't feel like it did, like it's over, like i'm free to heal, it's undone. I really need to step back and think and nobody understands it, problems just bombard me