Stuck in the Darkness

[HealingTears]

This is a really bad fall. It’s been over a week of just wanting to be dead. I mean I normally want to die . But this is different . I won’t say I have a plan cause I’m a coward. But man… I just feel like there is no point. I had a friend on here who showed me this “life coach” guy. I thought maybe it was helping. He tells you to accept your anxious thoughts and feelings for what they are without judgement. (Or any negative feeling pretty much) . And then let go of it and move on. I mean it was getting easier. He said to be aware that you would have set backs. And here I am, back in a major depression. There’s a few factors that have affected it. One, CBT therapy isn’t working for me. 2, I’m having major jealous thoughts and hatred towards literally every single person in my life. (Mostly cause they are happy) Which in turn makes me hate myself. There’s just a lot of hate and anger. It makes it hard to accept myself. But alas, I try. I also lost said friend who gave me these lessons. And a couple factors upset me about that. I’m sure I’ll move on eventually but… yeah. Lots of things affecting that right now. Also, my talk therapist isn’t messaging me back after I hung up on her a month ago. I feel like that ended badly and she is also annoyed at me lol. There is a lot of anger and frustration rising in me lately. Which in a way may be a good thing. Mostly towards myself. Its like I don’t want to move on. I just want to stay like this forever. Maybe I do. Friendless and alone.

[hypercat54]

All change is a risk even good ones. Sometimes it's easier in the shorter term to stay with the devil you know.

In the long term though you are only doing yourself more damage. Something to think about?

[Nina2016]

What I need and what worked in the last is a compassionate listener. I try to stay connected to spiritual stuff like Alan watts or eckhart toll which can be helpful. Idk tho I am kinda there too. Angry. And alone. I can sometimes feel jealous and therefore “hate on” on others for their happiness. Right now my main thing is that I hate where I live. The culture here sucks - doesn’t align with my values. West coast (where I am currently) versus Midwestern Great Lakes (where I am from and where I identify). As for my family I have a constant source of anger …

I also do not like CBT. I have learned to accept that I am alone right now. I try to remember that it js this way now but who knows what the next now May bring. I work hard to keep focused on my own self care being kind to myself allowing anger to vent hopefully in safe and healthy ways (not always great at this!)

At least you know someone out there hears ya, sees your pain and cares! This community will listen and help. You aren’t totally alone! I hope today you have a smile 😊 at something or other. It helps to keep on smiling ☺️ 🧡

[HealingTears]

Thanks for the reply, you didnt have to. Yeah… i started to sort of come out of it a bit yesterday . Im feeling better. It’s hard when I get stuck in that place because… you know you’ve been there a million times before, you know even if you come out …. You’re gonna come back again.

I know im taking the baby steps. It’s a bit easier to apply the steps and stop obsessing over the negative thoughts now I’ve come out of that dark place … but yeah when I’m there… honestly nothing I could do to come out. Just had to wait. Can’t say I’m 100% yet but have had a pretty good day today. Trying to be hopeful for the next month.

Ps: thought these photos were funny lol

Comparative feelings chart #1

[HealingTears]

Other pic

Comparative feelings chart #2