Dark Night of the Soul

[Write4Me]

I deeply inhale. The breath aches as air is forced into my lungs. Everything hurts. I am a child lost in a sea of strangers. It is terrifying. Nothing and no one feels SAFE. My mind is a jumble of frantic, desperate thoughts. I have collected an arsenal of "things to do" to help me through this...videos, meditations, articles, workshops, support groups...and, yet, I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. It all seems so overwhelming and intimidating. Pushing myself to commit to any one of those options feels too harsh and aggressive. Why does it feel so threatening? I don't want to keep feeling like this. Logic would tell me that I have to start somewhere. Depression tells me (in its constant, mocking tone) "go ahead...let's see where that gets you." Every day, every week, every year that goes by and I am STILL like this. Why? Why have I not healed or improved in any noticeable way? It has been too long! I no longer have a discernable shape. I am a goopy, gray blob of hopelessness. Even my attempts to go through the motions, of my existence, have become harder and harder. As time passes, I care less and less about myself. I know how much damage the stress and pain of depression is causing my brain. If I continue on like this, I have every reason to be concerned about what lies ahead, as I get older. All of this is coming from a place of fear and dread. I didn't want to feel so alone...so...I came here...one among many. I do want help. I do want reassurance. I do want to bee seen just as I am. Just as so many of us do, I can be so cruel and admonishing toward myself, but when it comes to others, I am capable of tenderness and compassion. I keep typing because I am afraid to leave. But, I'll go and send this out. I will know that I was here.

[Agora1]

We are the safe Harbor for those who feel lost at sea. At one time, I too was strugglingto stay afloat. Waves of overwhelming fear consumed me but I never gave up. My perseverance and belief in myself got me to see the shoreline once again.

Saving ourselves is all about self love, pushing aside hopeless and helpless feelings.

Anxiety doesn't deserve our attention to it's needless despairing thoughts. Our life, our

control. We must be kind to ourselves before we can to others.

We cannot allow Anxiety to mock us. Deep inside our inner core is a survival mechanism.

Switch it on and move forward. Dwelling on what cannot be, only takes us in circles and not ahead. You are the captain of your life raft. The safety of the shore is not that far to be

unattainable. It is well within reach if you believe xx

[Hidden]

I’m feeling very down in the dumps myself. You’re not alone.

[Joshgw]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm there now. I am at the end of my rope. I don't want to kill myself, l want to live and be a father and husband and watch my son grow up, but right now I'm at the end of my rope. I've been struggling all day NOT to say goodbye to my 12 year old son, but I'm in so much pain it's unbearable. I've done 6 sessions of ketamine and I don't like the way it makes me feel and lingers. This has been going on for so long 20+ years, I just think, is this all there is?

[blue-green-purple in reply to Joshgw]

Wow, I could have written this (except for the spouse & child). I did ketamine as a last resort. I could only tolerate 5 sessions without getting severe migraines so I'm done with that. There is nothing left for me to try so I'm looking at the end of my rope also. After decades of doctors, meds & therapies, I wonder what the point is of all this tortured existence. If I figure it out I'll let you know. In the meantime, live for your SON! Teach him to be a good man and you will have a great legacy. Blessings.

[Joshgw in reply to blue-green-purple]

I think I'm also done with ketamine. I had a lot of hope, and some initial relief after the first two, but now I can still feel it in my system days after a treatment. I've lost all empathy. I can't relate or engage with anything. I don't talk to anyone, I feel like I've lost my grip on reality, I'm emotionally Unstable, like something is off. Something feels really wrong.

I spent all day today struggling not to say goodbye to my son and sobbing all day. I can't live like this, can't kill myself, so what to do? What the he'll is the point? My son is the only reason im still here.

[blue-green-purple in reply to Joshgw]

I felt the same after ketamine. Initially I did have some distinct depression relief and was hopeful...but the migraines were some of the worst I've ever had. The K. metabolites stay in your system for 12 days so hang in there. It was brutal coming off that stuff. I really thought I lost my mind and wanted to die. For me, it seemed cruel and even evil. The "high" depression and pain relief was amazing but the crash was devastating. Lowest of lows. I hope it passes for you just like it did for me. Hold on to your son, literally and keep going. You'll feel better from the K effects slowly. My problem is that leaves me back where I started in the pit of treatment resistant depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, migraines etc. Hard not to feel hopeless, I know. Keep trying and please keep posting.

[Joshgw in reply to blue-green-purple]

Thanks. But it's given me such sleep deprivation it's unbearable . I was up for 4 days last week. Nothing works.

[Joshgw in reply to Joshgw]

I don't know what to do, I want to stay on ketamine but I can't stand the insomnia. I was up for 4 days last week. I'm afraid ketamine has fucked up my brain chemistry for good. I've tried trazodone, benadryl, vistaril, melatonin, valerian.

[blue-green-purple in reply to Joshgw]

Yes, I've tried those also. Unfortunately, I am also valium dependent x 20 yrs. Benzos are another nightmare I wish I never started. I take it for sleep & anxiety. I've tried tapering off but (Ashton Manual) but omg, I just can't get through it.If I need extra help sleeping, I take CBD oil. Tried 4 different companies after extensive reviews and finally found a good, effective, quality product. I only use it (extra strength capsules) if absolutely necessary because, of course, if I try it daily I get a severe migraine. So physical pain vs. emotional pain. It all sucks.

[blue-green-purple in reply to blue-green-purple]

And stay away from benadryl. That will really mess up your brain.

[blue-green-purple]

I understand completely. I feel the same way. Wish I had some words of wisdom to lift you up. Not a good place to be but you are not there alone.

[Bookmama20]

First off? This was written beautifully! I haven’t had an anxiety attack in a few months, but I remember people saying “find 5 things you can touch, hear, see! In that moment of being in that attack mode, I forget all of that! So I get it!

I recently read an article by Anxiety Sisters! You can google them! anxietysisters.com/anxiety-...

Anywho, they mentioned a “spin kit”. It’s something to help you either pull you from the attack or at least make it a bit easier! It can consist of anything calming really.

I made one for my house, my car, work, etc.

I do want to get the Bach’s Rescue Remedy, but in mine I have earplugs, an index card with inspirational( like You’re a Badass! You got this!) things written on it! A couple of pop fidget things, a small bottle of stress relief hand sanitizer(bath and body works), a sand squishy thing from five below, a photo of my girls, a photo of the beach, a reminder to lower my shoulders, stop gritting my jaw, to just breathe! I also have some sour candies because they say it helps stop it! You’re brain can’t handle both so it focuses on the new taste.) I do have a couple of playlists at the start of one or any sign my anxiety is rising. One is a spa playlist, I also have some binaural beats, I also have a great meditation that focuses on the whole body!(Breathe People on Spotify and YouTube. You can also get some premade kits on Etsy.

I also downloaded the app Finch! You help grow a little bird by doing tasks like take a shower before bed, read, simple little tasks you give yourself! But there is an SOS feature. So it will help you focus and help get you back on track!

I know it’s a lot of info, sorry if it is too long! These are some of the things I have found help me when I am in that panic attack mode and can’t remember I have a toolkit so to speak! Hope this helps!

[blue-green-purple in reply to Bookmama20]

Thanks Bookmama. Not too much info at all! I will check out Anxiety Sisters. Their spin kit sounds a lot like the WRAP toolkit (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). It does help and you gave me some good ideas on things to add. I have some binaural beats on my play list-mostly Solfeggio Frequency 528 Hz and higher. I also find listening to "The Power of Now" read by Eckhart Tolle (YouTube) can sometimes calm me down. And I can spend hours doing Wordle!

[Daveacr1959]

Keep deeply inhaling as the breath is forced into your lungs. Try the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube. Lay down before meals and give it your best. After a few weeks you will see that during the breath holds, you go into a calm meditative state. After that try some free you tube aerobics or jogging in place or chair aerobics or beginners yoga? Whatever floats your boat. And remember this blob of flesh as you call yourself. Can be pure paradise for a future lover. A total treasure for a person who loves you. And you can watch your body change if you keep doing it. Eat all the fruits and vegetables you want.,stay full . Maybe after the mediation breathing exercises, close your eyes and remember a former lover. Your a treasure to someone. And I know your family and god love you. The weather didn’t cook up all the amazing life. Take a cold shower or bath or go in a cold lake. Stay in till your skin is numb and as you warm up feel the rush of endorphins, dopamine, seratonin and adrenaline. I go in 40 degree water twice daily for 6-8 minutes it works. If you have no cold water. Go buy 8 blocks of ice and fill the tub with cold water and get in. Exhale slowly exhale slowly it prevents hyperventilate. Stay in 6-8 minutes. It feels so good when you are done.

[blue-green-purple in reply to Daveacr1959]

Thanks Daveacr. I learned about Wim Hof years ago and tried it. Breathing exercises are good but that cold water! I live in the tropics & can barely stand a cold shower. I did try cryotherapy which was great for depression but terrible for migraines so I had to stop. Glad it works for you!

[blue-green-purple]

Thanks Phoenix. BA in Psych, 20 yrs of varies therapies, exercise routines, extremely limited news & social media. Best thing in my life is my 2 small dogs. Their care is keeping me alive. I google everything and anything & investigate all. One hour at a time & I'm still here.

[blue-green-purple]

I was a CT tech at a level 1 trauma center until I went on disability. In hind sight, a very busy trauma center was not a great place for a career for someone with depression/anxiety issues since childhood.

I love pitties! I fostered one for a while, my neighbor had a beauty that would slide the gate open between our yards (it was installed just for him) and my brother had a lovely girl who was with him until he passed. Take care of yourself and your pups!

[samack]

All I can say is that I'd been there for several years. I used to write in previous posts about being treatment resistant. All the logic in the world cannot defeat depression in my experience. After 4 years of this Hell, I finally found a med that helped. I am climbing slowly out, it took me 4 months until I made the first real step out and I am taking more and more positive changess in my recovery. I live with a twisted knot inside my gut, anxiety and depression but I do the thing I need to do. With practice I pray the knot loosens. It will happen to you too.I gave up on the meds, sick of the trials on and off. The right one makes the difference. I could not will myself to health. I could not leave the bed or sofa...years. I could not do all the healthy things for self care.. Please know you can make it out.