"I could of done more..."

[Jrick34]

Hello family. Hope everyone is doing okay. I lost my father back in June; he struggled with addiction and alcoholism and his heart couldn't take it anymore. Even though we didn't have the greatest relationship, I loved him and wanted him to get better. When I went to clean out his place, I dropped to my knees when I saw how he was living. The drugs and alcohol consumed him and he lived in an unhealthy condition. It hurt, Lord it hurt. I cried over and over again. I had recently seen Schlinder's List and remember at the end when said..."I could of done more....I could of saved more." I could of done more, I could of tried to save my dad. I'm still struggling with it and it hurts so bad. I'm sorry Dad.....

[Salma2289]

Hey jrick, i am really sorry for what you feel and I know that it’s really heavy on you, but believe me you have nothing to do and you didn’t have anything to do also. Everything ended now and he is finally fine away from all of that. Please don’t put anything that is not your fault on you. And I hope you gonna be fine very soon and we are always here for you

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Alcoholism and addiction are fatal maladies. They’re cunning, baffling and powerful. As you have seen personally.

Believe me when I tell you you couldn’t have saved him. Alcoholism is more powerful than any human being alone.

See if you can find a counselor who understands the disease and reach out. A grief group might help too.

I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. DM me if you wish.

[The_Color_Blue]

No. You couldn't have. You cannot save people from themselves. You cannot save those who do not want to be saved. You cannot save those who fail to acknowledge the reality of their problem. You cannot love someone enough that they will begin to love themselves. There's absolutely nothing you could have done, said, been, or believed that would have saved your dad.

The holocaust was an exogenous force that acted on people. It didn't come from within the people themselves. We can and should question ourselves in those circumstances. Did we really do all we could have done? How could we have stood between the people suffering and the forces perpetuating that suffering?

Alcoholism and addiction are not exogenous forces. It is not a matter of standing between a person and some external abuser. Alcoholism and addiction, like cancer, exist within the person. They, like cancer, must be conquered from within. You cannot be within another person. You cannot change their destiny, fate, or future without their consent.

The day my father told me that he didn't love me enough to stop drinking was the single most liberating day of my life. I knew in that moment that nothing I could ever do, say, or be would matter enough to change him. He was an adult and he had the right to make his own choices, even if I didn't agree with them; even if I wanted better for him.

There's nothing you could have done. You loved him wholly. You allowed him the dignity of making his own choices - which is often one of the only remaining sources of dignity left to those who suffer. You did what you could do while loving a sick and flawed person. Forgive him those flaws without mandating that he be different... and more than that, forgive yourself for things you never had any control over. Grieve the loss without blaming yourself for it.

[hypercat54 in reply to The_Color_Blue]

What a fantastic reply and I couldn't agree with you more. Brilliant.

[hypercat54]

You couldn't have done more as it sounds like you were very good to him. It was your fathers life and he had to live it the way he chose to. You can't make someone choose something better unless they want to, and he clearly didn't.

When a parent/loved one dies guilt goes with the territory I'm afraid. I discovered this when I lost my parents and am still worried that I could have done a lot more for them than I did. But I also remember the strain of it all and how I did the best I could given the circumstances. I forgive myself.

That's what you have to do and remember you did the best you could and couldn't have done more. Oh and I am very sorry at the loss of your father. You are still going through the grieving process and it will take time to be able to move on with your life. I am not religious but do firmly believe that we never lose our loved ones and they are our guardian angels.

I also believe that we will meet them again when it's our turn to pass. I hope this comforts you a bit.

[Opportunity]

Some helpful responses here left and right. Are you in Al-anon? I learned some helpful stuff there. You couldn’t have done more. It’s difficult to see this. In alcoholic families you get told stuff like, at a party, “Watch your man. Make sure he doesn’t overdo it.” You get that put on you. I learned in al-anon not to let people make his drinking my responsibility. To let him go drink. And what happened when I let go?

He scared me a lot. I left him. He died several years later.

I really thought we’d be together after he got sober but instead he died. So, I wondered a while same as you. The thing is, he was hell bent on living in a hell. And he was dragging me down with him. I had to let go of him or he’d have pulled me into hell with him. And that’s it. That’s all he would have done— pulled me into his hellish existence.

Instead I lived a relatively healthy life (don’t read my posts 🙄) and have more good days, where my money isn’t spent behind my back on liquor and beer, and my days aren’t spent in fear of violence and broken furniture, and my worries aren’t about bailing someone out, getting STDs, or getting to work without a car because he drove it into a pole.

Would he still be alive a little while longer, if I had done more? Maybe, maybe not? Would I be alive? No. It took me awhile to realize this but I’d be dead inside. A zombie in hell.

My heart goes out to you. ❤️

[carly1971]

Firstly,I am sorry for your loss,truly I am.I am an alcoholic almost 6 years sober and I can tell you from personal experience,without a shadow of doubt that you could not have done anything more than you did.

The grip that the addiction has on your loved one is greater than anything else.

That doesn’t mean that they don’t love you or that you don’t matter,it’s just that the alcohol has such control that you loss all sense for anyone or anything else.

It consumes and destroys everything that gets in the way.

You can not help someone unless their desire to stop is greater than anything else and unfortunately a lot of alcohol dependant people don’t reach that stage.

There is an organisation that helps/supports and offers counselling to children of alcoholics(the majority of members are adults who have lived with an alcoholic parent .

I really think it would be worthwhile for you to contact them .

They are called:NACOA(National Association for Children of Alcoholics)

If you type this into Google it will give you the contact details etc for it.

[HisDaughter]

Dear Jrick34!

I am very sorry you're going through an enormous pain and also dealing with great guilt!

The one who can help us and give us power over addictions and bad habits is God.

Sometimes, we think that people help us a lot, but it is God who uses people to help us. And, when it comes to addictions and compulsive behaviors, each one of us has to choose to submit our will to God and do some hard work.

Yes, it almost comes automatically to think that we could have done more to help a loved one when we see a tragic end. But none of us is God. And none of us can make the decision for another adult to want to get better and do the hard work either.

God can give you peace. It is not his desire for us that we live with guilt and regret. I really hope that you feel better soon.

[HisDaughter]

“God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.”

(Reinhold Neibuhr)