I am an older adult who had a successful career and is now retired and living alone. I have one son who is 47 years old. I’m struggling to establish a healthy relationship with him. I have overindulged him all his life, and he has taken advantage of me spending my money and relying on me for help with grandchildren and when he needs to vent. That has been ok with me until the last few years. My husband died and I became ill. I lost 50 to 60 pounds and was hospitalized with pneumonia. It required me to have a feeding tube and to be placed on a ventilator. I was discharged to skilled nursing as I couldn’t walk or eat. After three months, I was discharged to my apartment. I begin relying on my son for emotional support as I became depressed and suicidal. He walked away, telling me to get treatment and come back when I was better. He currently lives in my home, which I own. He kept delaying paying the monthly bills. I only recently took steps to have them removed from my account. I understand my part in allowing this relationship to become so one-sided and giving too much. am getting treatment to help establish healthy boundaries with him. He has shown no interest in pursuing this, as he no longer needs my money I am currently trying to deal with the emotional loss of him and my grandchildren. I have worn out my friends and I need some support in dealing with this loss. My friends are supportive but I feel they don’t understand why I am grieving. They think he’s been bad to me and that I should simply write him off. I have no other family as they are deceased. That’s why I’m turning to this group. I know you can’t solve it, but I just need a place to Express my pain and I welcome feedback should you choose to share it. I am in so much pain and I don’t know what to do with it. I miss my family. Thank you.
Hello. I could really use some support - Anxiety and Depre...
Hello. I could really use some support
Did your son move out? I have no relatives so I cannot relate to that. But I know what being abandoned feels like, and emptiness. Send me a message.
I don't have children of my own, only my nephews are there for me. Maybe you need to distance yourself from your son until he can be there for you. Reconnect with friends. You don't have to be alone. Take care.
I have distanced myself. I came to a treatment program for depression in Washington, where I am now. I’ve been gone a month and have only heard from one friend. I fear that my illness and depression was too much of a burden for my friends, and they have withdrawn. I know that when I go back, I have to act happy and not talk about my pain. I don’t know how to do that. To keep it all inside with no one to share it with. I have a therapist that I see once a week, but that’s not enough support for me. I feel I am too broken to be helped. When my husband was alive, he was my support and I supported him. I’ve never been very good at just taking care of my own emotional needs. I have to learn how or leave this world. What are my other choices I have been in the hospital which is not helpful. The treatment program I’m in now is very expensive but I’ve invested a lot in it and I’m trying to get better. I thought I was but today ( maybe because it’s Christmas and I’m alone) I feel that hopelessness again. Thank you for your attention and reply.
You sound ok. Just c compromise talk about grey things living with family is hell. I mean it is nice but difficult. U can only c the other person when you can. If you feel ill the other won't want to catch it. It's sad. I know it's necessary. Life's a test. It is horrible feeling to struggle with isolation . Disease. No help but an abyss. Still it is the human condition. It's only a part of the psyche give it impersonalize-ation. De-personalise it. Boundaries. Don't be harsh on urself don't do all others want. Stand alone. It's this world I blame just a broken land. But the balance v difficult boundaries n kindness openess n closeness. There is no hell like other people n there is no life without other people. Contradictory limited n disciplined r good words. Mental cycles rule our species. I think we have a long way to go. We r all dirty souls but we transfer it on others on purpose instead of emotional engagement, that's what your son doing but that's normal too. Living with family is very common these days. World Transformation Movement Jeremy Gryffth is free human condition is explained quite well. I live England UK wiv Mother both got physical conditions.
There is a lot of free help on you tube channels put on anything and change from past when you had to pay money for info and help.
I am a lady of a similar age to you and hear where you are coming from. Many of our generation are willingly still supporting our adult children financially, accommodation wise and with childcare and house cleaning. Everything today is so expensive and what in our day we regarded as luxuries, our children now consider necessities. I am sure when your husband was alive, you discussed the merits of supporting your son and his family financially and you both agreed to do so, happy that you could afford to do so. I am sure your husband's death will have come as a great shock to your son, even if his father had been ill for a while and he may well have been struggling with his own grief and devastating loss of the father he had relied on for 40 plus years. Sadly, subsequently you became seriously physically ill and needed professional care and treatment at a time when your son most needed you. Then when you returned home you were struck down with depression and suicidal thoughts. I suggest at this point your son, who had always thought you were both invincible (as both my children in their 40s think I am) felt he could no longer cope or support you and thought the best course of action was to walk away in the hope that you would organise successful professional help in order that you would revert to the mother who had supported him for the last 40 plus years and continue to do so. You say he delayed paying bills (I assume he eventually paid them ?) but this is a trait of many younger people, they don't have the same sense of urgency from red letters or concern about debt as we do. Good that you are making an effort to establish healthy financial boundaries with him, but in addition to this you need to let him know how much you love and care for him and your grandchildren and how much you miss them all. Continue to send them all cards and small gifts on birthdays etc and tell them your door is always open to them all. Never write off your children, we all make mistakes and deserve to be forgiven. Best wishes
thank you for your reply and carefully thought out response. My husband who died was not my sons father. He had been ill for about 10 years and so his death was not a shock. My son did not take over the bills until I called the utility company to have them turned off and gave him a two week notice that I had done this. I recently sent him the tax bill for the house, and I am hopeful that he pays this. Otherwise I will need to do that Very soon. I am having a lot of trouble coping with my hurt and anger towards him. I know my illness was hard for him to cope with but he was so rude to me when my therapist asked if I could stay in my home for a short period of time at night because I was suicidal. In response to his treatment of me, I had to leave, and he was glad to see me go. While I was there, he told me where to sit, when to get up, when to go to bed, I think my anger comes from knowing that everything inthat house was mine and I had a right to sleep on my couch in my house if I wanted to. I stayed very quiet and left during the day and was not allowed to come back until 6 PM. I apologize for writing all this information. I guess I’m trying to justify my anger as it is easier to cope with then facing the loss of my son and his children. I did send Christmas presents to the boys and will continue to send them cards and presents while I’m alive. I miss them. I don’t know if I can continue sending cards and encouragement to my son. I love him, but the pain of knowing that he really doesn’t want me in his life is just too raw right now. I wasn’t invited for Thanksgiving nor contacted at Christmas. He did send a picture of the boys in my home in front of the Christmas tree. He didn’t write anything. The fireplace and Christmas tree were beautiful . I couldn’t appreciate it. All I could think of Was how I wanted to be in front of my fireplace at my house with my own Christmas tree. Anyway, I know none of this is possible. I have to let it all go. I’m just struggling to do that. I write him letters that I don’t send and rehearse conversations that I don’t have , because I know it would only cause more problems. although he did attend two counseling sessions with me, he told the therapist and me that none of this was his fault, and he didn’t want to be involved. The rational part of me knows that children shouldn’t have to help their parents with mental health issues. he has refused to help with anything. The only thing I asked of him was to bring one of my suitcases to the apartment so I could pack to go away to treatment. He didn’t have time, but said he would set it on the porch for me to get. I’m sorry. I keep going over this over and over in my mind . I think if I could just let it go, it would be better. The hurt just keeps bubbling over and I have no place to go with it. I feel that without a way to deal with this, I can’t continue. My fear is that when I return home, I will withdraw again, and return to that suicidal person I was before I left. Just accepting that he doesn’t care as my reality is what I’m working on. Obviously today I haven’t made much progress. I must have been a really bad mother to have my only child want me out of his life. Thank you.
Hi and This is Christmas evening and so I wish you a calmer mind this evening. You joined this community today and give yourself some time to see how it works. Just for tonight let go of all that is going on in you mind and have a restful sleep. You are not alone here and several members have reached back to you. Perhaps practicing some of the breathing exercises to calm yourself and meditation you may have been taught during your medical care and therapy sessions will help. I wish you peace for tonight. Sometimes you may need to take it one hour at a time, but sometimes I have to take things 15 minutes at a time. But peace even for each 15 minutes will add up. You deserve that and perhaps you might want to try that for tonight. xxx
Never right off yourself you must see yourself and be a proper machine a human is also a machine many things can't b changed forgive yourself your not as inadequate as you think you have the right also to your own ability to help your own vehicle n adapt n change urself to sustain.
Hi Rudy- I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you - and here for you if you ever want to chat. I'm an only child of an only child so I get what it feels like to not have much blood family around. It's really hard and scary sometimes. Please know you're not alone and we can all be there for each other if we just make the effort. I'll send you a PM in case you ever want to chat. All best to you.
He is being abusive to you; not physically, but mentally. Telling you to get treatment when I'm sure you are still grieving your husband, as I doubt you have had time with everything else. Grief takes it's own sweet time, it cannot be rushed. Also, living in your house and defaulting on payments? This is bad.
He has your House and you live in an apartment? Have I got this right? Get a lawyer, and get your house on the market. I think he is only waiting for you to pass to claim it all. Pull a flanker on him and leave it all to a Cat's home or a Charity of your Choice, leaving him with $1. that will ensure he can't contest the Will. Or leave the whole lot in a Trust for your grandchildren, but don't name him as a Trustee.
Unfortunately, indulging children makes them entitled monsters. I know this from experience. He needs a lesson in manners. This would give him that lesson.
You have us as Friends and confidants now. Welcome. BTW, I'm 75 and widowed.
Cheers, Midori
Do not be too extreme to your kids it is bad make decisions slowly discuss think give space to stuff
I can admit to getting somewhat intolerant of Abusive and gaslighting men. I was married to one for 15 years, and I admit, the abuse creeps up on you.
You don't realise it at first, and by the time you do there is little you can do as you feel so beaten down, so unsure of what it's safe to do around him, and the home is your refuge from the world he has made you distrust You just don't know where to go, or how to find help. Often he also controls the money, keeping you dependent. Also he polices who you can see, by alienating you from friends and family, moving you away from easy reach of those who could help you.
And often you still love the abuser, or feel that you do. Been there, done all that. But I finally found the strength to leave with the kids; not for my sake, but for theirs.
Cheers, Midori
I am so sorry! You don’t deserve this. You’ve been a good mother, no matter what the circumstances. Now I know I don’t know you personally or many details of the situation but one can safely assume from your story that your son is trouble. To not even help a little when your own mother is so sick and severely depressed is appalling. Not to mention the financial aspects he’s taking advantage of. Sounds downright cruel. I wonder if there’s a possibility that you and your husband were successful and accomplished in a way that he felt he couldn’t live up to and it’s made him very defensive and angry which isn’t your fault. Yes we all make mistakes. Both sides. We all do, and maybe I’m way off but there’s a time in your life (his life) where you have to grow up and be a man and do the right thing just because it’s the right thing to do. I’m not saying become a prince overnight just be a little better. Step up! I’m taking care of my parents 91 & 88 probably 3 to 4 days a week and I feel terrible because I’m not there some days because of my extreme depression and loneliness and what I’ll meet up with every time I go over there. When they are that old nothing is easy and it makes me so sad inside. Although they are very appreciative for anything I do. Don’t get much help from sibling…but…, Praying, sending good vibes for you and any legal actions you may have to take and I would try to find anybody you can trust- anyone to help you through this difficult time and help you make important decisions or at least assist in carrying them out. Or just to sit with you. Sometimes even therapists are willing to make calls for you. Sending hugs and the strength you need.🙏🙏❤️❤️ So sorry. Don’t give up❤️
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