Do you find yourself comparing?

I constantly compare myself to my brother/sister-in-law. They seem so normal and together. My brother really takes care of my mom, who is in a nursing facility. I just don't have the wherewithal to drive up an hour to see her, although my husband drives us once a week. They are everything I am not, and some of these things started long ago. Just wanted to vent and see if anyone else feels this way.

[David0987]

I can relate. My mom lives in another part of the country and my sister is able to travel for business and look in on her. I just cant afford to go as often and I feel guilty like I'm not a good son. Do you think you could travel along with your husband, then you won't have t ok drive?

[Hidden in reply to David0987]

Yes, he takes me up as I have driving anxiety. It's a tough trip on tollways and I just can't seem to do it. Thanks for your reply. Glad I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

[Florida1959]

I think it’s a common think, when you struggle with anxiety or depression, as we “never feel good enough” but as long as you say to yourself “ I am enough” . Lots love xxx

[Hidden in reply to Florida1959]

Thanks, Florida. I know that positive affirmations are a step in the right direction, I just have to remember to do them. <3

[weegmack]

Yes, I totally understand how you feel. Living with anxiety is so utterly overwhelming, you just don’t have it to give. I have GAD and depression, OCD also.

My stepdad died in March, after an alarmingly short battle with severe dementia. Last June, my nephew took extremely ill with a mystery virus and is still recovering. I have been useless to my sister, my nephew and my mum. There are past issues - my sister severely bullied me when we were growing up, my dad was an alcoholic and my mum did nothing to help me. I developed anxiety at around the age of 11 and I would wake with panic attacks during the night. I was left to deal with those alone as my mum insisted she needed her sleep. When my dad died, she remarried a few years later and very much kept her married life spectate from me - I basically had to know my place. I suffered through PND and a diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder without her, because she said her place was with my stepdad and she rarely came to help me.

She moved closer to me, but it’s still over a 50 minutes drive over terrible country roads (I’m in Scotland). She became very needy of me once my stepdad began to get ill and I just couldn’t find it to help her enough. I did help to an extent, but I punish myself everyday that I could have done so much more. I visited my nephew three times in hospital (he is home now and gradually regaining strength), but I was so depressed and suicidal at the time (I had a breakdown last August - long story), that I was in danger of doing myself a damage. So I had to take a step back and try and keep on my feet for my kids. My husband basically did all the visiting and helped my mum so much more than I did.

I hate myself for it. I see other people caring for their elderly parents....maybe they even have them come to live with them. But I’ll never be that person.

My psych nurse told me that caring for a parent is definitely not for everybody and certainly not for someone with mental health difficulties. But I wish I were different and I’m sure you do too. However, we need to not punish ourselves. We didn’t ask to be afflicted with mental health problems and if we had a visual illness, it would be entirely different. Xx

[Hidden]

THANKS SO MUCH for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been through this. It's tough for all of us who have this situation. It is encouraging to hear what your psych nurse told you---my brother has so much more patience with her than I do. Maybe it's not patience, but he seems to be able to connect with her. And it's not like she can come and live with us, she has to be lifted with a hoist in order to go to the bathroom. You're right, we didn't ask to be afflicted with this. Other people would understand if we had a physical illness rather than mental. And, assisting with mental illness is such an inexact science. Hope you find some peace and joy! <3

[Benny3221]

Yep it causes me great despair and feeling even more of a burden

[kvolm2016]

My siblings and I have been trying to provide care giving support for our mom since her hospitalization in June. There are 4 of us - 3 girls and then the youngest is a brother. It has been so interesting to see how each of us approach this so differently and how each of us has a different relationship with our mom and a different level of patience and tolerance for the situation. We have had a few talks among ourselves about trying not to compare but it is so hard. I definitely understand why you feel this way in your situation. And I agree that when it comes to family relationship, most of these things started long ago. We just have to learn to let them go and do what we can in the way that we can. I'm trying to remind myself of this a lot lately!

[Hidden in reply to kvolm2016]

Funny thing, before I relapsed into this last bout of depression I felt we were equally caring for her. I was her original power of attorney, but we transferred it to him because of his close proximity to her. It seems like I have started comparing more and seeing things more bleakly since I have started up feeling so bad again. It's like looking in a funhouse mirror where everything is distorted. But I also feel like it's helped me reveal the truth about myself and things I've done in the past that I'm not proud of. So much guilt and shame. Today I will try to let things go as best I can.

[kvolm2016 in reply to Hidden]

And that is exactly what depression does - it causes our perceptions to be distorted. Such a great word picture you give with the funhouse mirror. And I think a fitting analogy in another way because depression also takes something that would normally be amusing or of no concern to us (like funhouse mirrors) and distorts it into something bigger and more disturbing (that awful image we see in the mirror) than it really is. Like thinking that we are the only ones who are falling short in the comparison or that we are the only ones who have done things we are not proud of. All distorted thoughts. Do you have any practices that you find helpful when you need to reorder your thinking?

[Hidden in reply to kvolm2016]

I wish I did. I just ruminate and let it get out of control. It seems like I'm getting worse instead of better. I do journal and try to meditate, but I tend to fall asleep. Any ideas are helpful.

[kvolm2016 in reply to Hidden]

Journaling is my "go to" practice. I have learned to force myself to start with a "thankful for" list before I try to write about the out of control thoughts. I learned that this effectively breaks my train of the existing thoughts and gets me into intentionally thinking about the positives instead of the negatives.

And glad to hear that I am not the only one who finds meditation to be sleep inducing!

Are you meeting with a counselor for the depression?

[Hidden in reply to kvolm2016]

Yes, I see a dr. and a counselor who I really like. I like the idea of writing a "thankful for" list BEFORE listing the sad thoughts. I've gotten so many good ideas coming to this website. Thank you for sharing-it really helps!

[kvolm2016 in reply to Hidden]

Great to hear that you have health providers that you like. That is golden!

I also do a lot of reading looking for new strategies. Not sure if you are familiar with the Listly website but this link to resources on depression may have some things you find helpful. Take a look if you are interested: bit.ly/2hwXnqH

[Hidden in reply to kvolm2016]

Thanks! I'll check it out.

[Hidden]

No I don't do this. I think it can beat you up by doing so & I believe everyone of us is special & no one is better than anyone else. Love, peace, joy, light & hugs!!!