Still here

[bell-jar]

I have suffered with depression, suicidal tendencies and self harm since I was a child. I have been in and out of mental health facilities my whole life, and I have gotten better but also relapsed several times. It seems right when everything appears to be going okay, it comes crashing down. I feel like no matter what I get pulled back into this downward spiral. I have never been free from pain, even when I have been happy. It feels like the most hideous kind of morose has contaminated my blood, that the sadness flows through every single vein. Yeah, it often feels like that; like the entirety of me is encompassed in melancholy. But, I am still here. I am still here and I did not think I would be. I guess it is an achievement that I have lived and my heart keeps beating and I keep breathing despite it all. I am still alive.

[DarkSuNShinE]

Your words are very beautiful. I suggest you write poetry it may make you feel better.

[bell-jar in reply to DarkSuNShinE]

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I do write poetry occasionally. It helps me immensely.

[Tara52]

I was where you are at 25. I can relate. So much pain! It took me many years to finally find the right help. When I began to understand that there is nothing innately wrong with me (God who is good made us good) I began to heal. I carried so much shame for my behavior. People judged me harshly for the self harm. My family members & friends thought I was looking for attention.😔They didn't understand the depth of my pain & self hatred. I understand & have great empathy for you. Don't give up hope. There is healing from all of this. Keep reaching out.💕

[hypercat54 in reply to Tara52]

Me too. I started my own journey in my mid 20's and have got to a place I never dared dream of. It is a vast improvement to my 20's I can tell you.

[Tara52 in reply to hypercat54]

So happy you are doing better. There is hope for us, Thank God!🥰

[hypercat54 in reply to Tara52]

Yes but it does need a lot of work and a lot of pain. Even then I haven't got all the way there and know I never will now. But a vast improvement is a vast improvement and that alone makes like worth living.

[bell-jar in reply to Tara52]

Thank you for your reply Tara. Your comment has made me feel a lot less alone in my journey, I really appreciate it.

[Isinatra]

Your story is a sad one, but eloquently written. Your user name brought to mind the book, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. Any connection? A sad story, too.

[bell-jar]

Yes, I read the book in my adolescence and I related to it more than anything. I have used it as a username since. It feels a lot like me...thank you for your reply.

[Isinatra in reply to bell-jar]

🤗

[bell-jar]

Thank you very much Leon. I do feel so touched and welcomed by all these comments.