Still here

[Kat63]

My anxiety is still here. Still torturing me with nasty what-if questions. What if I don’t find a job? What if my boyfriend and I can’t fix our relationship? What if I outlive every person in my life and die alone? I’m not young anymore, and now I have to start thinking about what my old age will be like.

I have trouble being alone anymore. Living alone is really getting to me. I’m hungry for other people. In 3 days I’m moving in with my bf. As I have mentioned before, we were living together very happily for 10 years....then about 4 years ago we had problems and I moved out. But I’ve spent the past year trying to fix my side of our problems, and be a better person in general. About a month ago he agreed that we could try again. I’m so scared. What if he changes his mind? What if my own stupidity ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had?

I guess if all else fails, as a last resort I could go live with my father. But Dad is going to be 80 years old this year - he won’t be around forever.

I feel like I’ve wasted most of my life on stupid stuff and I could have done so much better with every single part of my life. All I can say in my own defense is that I’ve had depression and anxiety all my life, and until I was in my mid-20s they didn’t have really good treatment for it - no SSRIs until then.

I feel like my problems and difficulties are my own fault, that I’m the author of most of my problems. I’m just tired of screwing up. I want to do something right for once in my life. I need help.

[JAYnLA]

When I'm plagued by the what ifs, I have to force myself to focus on the what IS. You are giving cohabitation another try. Good for you. If it doesn't work out you will do something else, but you don't have to know what that is now. There may be other options on the table should that day come, and that day may never come. I'm glad you're taking the step.

[Kat63 in reply to JAYnLA]

Thank you for answering me. I’m so scared.

[JAYnLA in reply to Kat63]

We're here Kat!

[Needtovent]

I agree with Jay. Focus on what IS happening. You both have made a plan, now just keep on keeping on with that plan. You are wiser now and know yourself better. I suspect he does as well. You’ll sort through the rest as you need to. What helps you to calm the ‘what ifs’? For me these are quite pesky. First let them come at you for a bit, but don’t give the silly questions the benefit of a response. Just treat them like a nasty symptom that you are going to accept and say “they won’t harm me”. Let them roll over you for a bit. Then move on. If they’re still being pesky, just try a distraction (I use brain puzzles like soduku and such, cause that takes all my energy). A cup of sleep time tea and i’m Ready for bed. Hope this helps, Kat. I’ll be praying for you these next few days.

[Kat63 in reply to Needtovent]

Thank you so much. It’s good to know people care.

[DistressedPoe]

Hey try this.

What if you get a job ?

What if your boyfriend DOESN'T leave you ? What if he loves you EVEN MORE ?

What if you two grow old together in a house sharing your happiness and pains and have each other as comfort during tough days ?

What if as you grow you find more people to love ? So many that it's impossible to outgrow them all.

What if your relationship with your boyfriend is SO MUCH BETTER ?

Imagine all those. Imagine what that would be like.

Remember, we all make mistakes and no matter where you are in life right now, you are who you are and you are just fine. You may have stumbled but you are alright. Don't beat yourself up over everything. I know it's easier said than done but every time you do...think of something positive you've done. One little thing you're good at. One thing you've done that you're proud about. It'll help. You'll get there. Baby steps, love.

[Kat63 in reply to DistressedPoe]

Thank you. You are awesome!

[DistressedPoe in reply to Kat63]

Just here to help. I get these A LOT so it always helps to challenge these thoughts and turn them around. I find happiness in thinking of a happier future I want. It makes me feel better. Maybe try it.

And about your self esteem, just...try and stop feeling bad about yourself. Nobody is perfect and that's okay. You're trying your hardest. And that's all that matters.

[JAYnLA in reply to DistressedPoe]

And the favorite response award goes to.... Distressed Poe!

[DistressedPoe in reply to JAYnLA]

AHAHAHAHAH tqtq. I was just trynna be honest and helpful

[Coralrose5]

❤️ These responses.