I'm new here, still trying to find ways to cope

[Kkdandersen]

since I was a kid, i have been dealing with anxiety and depression. I have always had the feeling of hate towards myself, thought I would never been good enough. Dealing with constant stress, feeling like no matter what i did things couldn't go right. I needed to control everything. Going into 2017, now almost 25, I have never felt worse. Last year, I was dealing with some serious health issues. I was diagnosed with celiac's disease last august, only after spending most of the previous months not being able to eat or keep down what I eat. I lost a lot of weight, and had to make a whole new lifestyle choice. For those of you who don't know what celiac's disease is, it's a stomach condition where your body can no longer digest food that contains gluten like bread. But it isn't just food. Gluten resides in many skin and makeup products. After all this, my doctor now says I have an eating disorder. I have been unable to gain back any weight I lost, and have many health issues because of it. They say my anxiety and depression are causing it, and I believe them. Every day I wake up dreading. I feel sick when I wake up, I force myself to eat. I can't even leave the house. I have become so consumed with fear it is almost impossible to keep up my spirits everyday. But I try. The most important thing I have learned through this all, is to keep trying and push through. It isn't easy, and I still hate myself everyday. I barely make it through, but I make it through. I am still waiting for that day where I wake up, and it can all just be ok.

[Goodhumorme]

That sounds really tough, and I'm impressed that you are able to endure such a challenging combination of circumstances. I have the mental health issues without the physical health issues and I still feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. Do you have a therapist that you trust?

[Kkdandersen in reply to Goodhumorme]

Yes, i do. But it has been hard to see her with the loss of my main job. My insurance doesn't cover it, so I can only see her every once in a while.

[Goodhumorme in reply to Kkdandersen]

I'm not sure where you live but when I was out of work I was able to get free insurance through my state that covered the cost of weekly therapy in addition to free medical care

[Kkdandersen in reply to Goodhumorme]

I will have to look into that. Thank you so much!

[TAPNewEngland]

I have spent the majority of my life hating myself (almost 46 years) and do suffer from anxiety. Seeing a therapist really helped me along with medication that I take daily. The goal is to suppress this as much as possible and take it day by day. It is a life-long battle and the goal is to have more good days than bad days. Celiac's Disease must be tough as I know people with it. It is a lifestyle change, especially if you were a foodie.

[Kkdandersen in reply to TAPNewEngland]

That is definitely something i need to do. I have spent most my life trying to plan out everything, to only have it fall apart. The need for control has always been something I have struggled with. But since becoming sick, and now struggling with weight, I have no choice but to take it day by day. My physical health has become such an unknown now when I wake up I never know if I am going to be able to face the day with any physical strength let alone mental strength. There have been so many outside tragedies this last year while dealing with my health that is is just so overwhelming. I haven't been able to process it all. I just hid it away because I don't know how to control it. It is one of my biggest challenges when dealing with my anxiety and depression.

[Kkdandersen]

I have tried many different medications, and am on one currently that helps somewhat. It gives me more balance, but i have been so weak it is hard to fight back sometimes. I do have a therapist as well, but I can only afford to see her every once in a while.

All of my self hate comes from when I was a child. I had a rough family life, and all these expectations around me. Everything was always very controlled. As much as i fight it, i still have these ideas lingering of how I should be, act or even look like. I always find myself falling short of these impossible goals I set for myself, or let others set for me. I am aware that I should not feel like this, and I should move on from it. But I always find my way back, even when I am finally able to get my confidence.

[gogogirl in reply to Kkdandersen]

You sound like a good person. I hope that you are able to find help for the self hatred and anger. Life is too short.

[Mmarsh in reply to Kkdandersen]

Seeing that these expectations are unreasonable would be the first step I think. When you start heading back into a tailspin, remember expecting too much is a part of your "stuff".

I am working on this right a long with you. Hang in

[Debbie6288 in reply to Kkdandersen]

I know what u mean about growing up..mine was much the same....no matter what was dobe...not good enufff.and now I'm dad's caregiver...nothing is good enuff..hating myself...falling short too...no self harm...just feel inadequate again..agter dealing with these problems.....they back again...chins up....i don't like losing so I look at it as competition...thay i will always win....with willpower!!!

[Debbie6288 in reply to Debbie6288]

And I'm 47

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Do you have a therapist and have you considered a low dose antidepressant. It’s worth researching. It works wonders for me.

[ellybelle03]

I am so sorry for all that you are having to deal with. The mental aspect alone is exhausting and can be physically draining on its own, and then to have to deal with more physical health issues as well I am so sorry for all you are going through.

Please don't hate yourself. You as much as anyone is deserving of your love, understanding, and patients. Forget perfection, NOBODY is perfect. I know its hard, and believe me there was a time when I hated myself too. I learned over time to be gentle with myself, and do my best everyday to feel the very best that I can. You deserve the best in life! You are amazingly strong for dealing with all that you have going on. Please remember you are a blessing to everyone you meet. Hang in there!~

[Kia381]

Hi i feel your pain i have been having terrible diahreaa but wasnt until this anxiety started i had some blood drawn to check out my stomache an also my poop was checked but nothing they havent found nothing even tho im happy my stomache still feels terrible an im so tired of bowel movements i just dont know what to to but atleast you have thrive sweetie keep pushing an i will do the same

[Kobojunkie]

You had depression and anxiety, an illness which affects your very mind, and thought process, for so long, and never bothered to go get help for any of it?

You later developed stomach issues, and this was when you decided to seek help, help not even for the mind issues? Is the state of your mind and brain not important to you? Do you not realize that anxiety puts in the body in stress mode all the time eventually leading to other problems as time goes on? Do you not realize that depression affects the choices and decisions you make everyday you allow it continue in your life and so in fact limits your quality of life?

Please find you a psychiatrist that will listen to you and start from the beginning to work together with your doctor on creating a treatment plan to help you regain control of your mind, and eventually your destiny. Every decision we make helps decide the path we take, and a depressed mind is known to alter a persons ability to make intelligent plans and decisions.