But I’m not ok nor seeing life as small things nor can I breathe right and I feel I’m loosing it and stressing out I’m not me I don’t know where I went I don’t know what parts of me are real and what parts are the illness well maybe they are growing into a part of me I don’t like the now me help please I’m scared that I’ll never feel better again and that my life really is how I’m seeing it right now things are going wrong so many things so wrong
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Starrlight
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Warm hugs my dear friend. I can relate to how you feel. I've been struggling lately too. Right now I want to be at home in my bed, hiding from the world... Instead I pushed myself to go out... celebrating my husband's birthday at an archery range with friends. I should be happy... but I'm not... just hate this... May nature smoothe us today & give us abit of peace today.
Yes. My son is going to go win a contest right now and I can’t even see it except on video later or if I can find it live. I just don’t have what it takes to get out. I can’t get into nature even. It’s brave of you to venture out and I’m sorry it turned out with you hating it just try to enjoy the rest of the day if you can. I am in shock. For so long I’ve felt I can do life I am ok and now I’m so low and just so hating life. What is real? Why was I so happy all the time? Everything is so wrong in my life. Maybe I was looking at love and on the bright side. I can’t do that right now. I mean I’m trying,.... It’s not working.
🫂 I meant I hate this disease, feeling like I'm letting people down. I was able to enjoy it some... nice coolish day, even misted a bit. Being in nature helped, gave myself permission to check out (I wasn't doing archery) & listen to birds.I'm sorry you are struggling... like Dolphin14 said wish could make it better. Try to feel the love from your little ones. How did your son do? Was it skateboarding?💛
Thank you. I am trying to distract myself and my littlest just came up to me and hugged me and said,”you’re the best ,I love you”...I mean uh how sweet it just makes me want to fight harder when people show they care and like you here, thank you,. Even still I feel a bit like I’m failing but I can’t help it you know!?!? I’m just so low down. I think I’ll get up but it’s not up to me when it’s chemicals is I can do some things to help but ultimately it’s not up to me. So I’ll just do my best with what I’ve got. Try I think I’ll spend some time alone away from people for a while only thing is it can get scary and I might have to reach out like earlier I picked a weapon to hurt myself with and did not go through with it. Scary. The more I think of it the more chance of doing it. Distract. Everything is messed up. I hate my life. I can’t distract. Sorry I’ll go this is getting me nowhere. Thanks for being here.
Dearest Starrlight, hang onto those words of your little one "you're the best, I love you".Children don't lie, they see through the innocence of their pure hearts. xx
Sending lots of love your way. Have you tried cold therapy? Either a cold shower or running an ice cube down your neck starting behind your ears, over your arms and the bottom of your feet? Sometimes that helps me reset and calm my nervous system down a bit. I also listened to Tool earlier. They are my go to band. Do you have a go to music?
Hi Livelydively. You're right, sometimes music is a bit of a comfort when we are so low. I just found "Tool" yesterday, and it took me away. Something so small and it opened a small place in me.
Very powerful words. I could feel it. Sorry you are struggling. Some days you just have to live moment by moment and find a little joy where you can. Hold on to that joy and know you are strong, creative and loving. HUGS!
Joy can be something as simple as a good cup of coffee or sunshine through the kitchen window. I try to savor little things and find some joy in them. Today it was having a quiet house for awhile. Been struggling myself so I am looking for anything positive. I will stand by you until you can find some joy.
I cleaned the shit out of my house!!! Feels so good to sit here body in pain but a good type of pain a I deserve to rest type of pain I worked so hard I deserve to have peace and joy. Thanks Mrspjsmom
Maybe you need to feel these emotions, Starrlight. There are times when feeling the pain and the confusion and fear are all we can do. Trying to figure it all out while we are in the midst of such pain cannot happen. Let yourself feel this and know that it will not last forever.
You/Me/ We have come through these episodes before and made it through. I cannot tell you to stay strong or be hopeful, all I can say is please know that you are not alone, even though you feel otherwise. 🙏🏻
I'm so sorry I'm here late. I wish I could hug your hurt away Starrlight. Pain isn't okay -- it's a bastard. There are good days and terrible days, who knows why. What comfort can I give you now except to say I care? I do. Hug your fur baby all you can. Remember you are loved.
Strangely well, physically anyway. There hasn't been any rain for a few days, so that's good for me. The chocolate seems to help bring down the pain in my feet. Go figure. So, no flare-ups. Not major anyway.
My mood isn't great, but it's better since I'm not managing extreme pain.
It's nice to see you here today, reaching out. It's sad knowing how hard things have been for you. Getting things done is so life-affirming, isn't it?
Hi Starlight, I hope you are feeling a bit better today? I just wanted to say what you wrote here is very poetic. Those first 5 sentences took me right to that place when I am struggling at my worst. Maybe you already do write but if not you DEFINITELY should start 👏
Today was an exceptionally hard day. But I have Borderline Personality Disorder so that means tomorrow might be a great day. I'm just waiting for this to pass.
I hear you ; same here. Ya never know what you’ll feel like. Great new comes and we can still feel depressed depressing mood can come and we can still feel alright peaceful find happiness it’s not easy the emotional roller coaster. I can jump up and down so many times a day as I’m sure you are familiar with.
Yes, it's hour to hour sometimes. I was screaming in anger then laughing hysterically then sobbing then sleeping. All within an afternoon. I'm sorry you also know this pain. It is not one that I wish anyone else had to bear.
But on a positive note I am making a strict schedule for myself tomorrow so I cannot get off track and lose control again. Here's me hoping! lol.
Hello Starlight!I haven’t been on in ages, but when I saw it was you asking for support I just had to reply. You have always been a light and encourager in this forum of the “the motley crew” for lack of a better title (if we can’t make fun of ourselves?..)
I know personally that God saw to it that I would have bi-polar and He will give me the strength and courage to handle whatever comes my way.
Me? NO WAY! But with Christ all things are possible. Don’t let your little light go out.
I wonder and I question sometimes God and reasons for why some are given this or that or have taken away this or that. I may never know. What I do know is I’m working on peace. I pray for guidance and and practice finding peace. I just turned 45 and the most important thing to me is being peaceful. And it’s hard for me. Always has been. When I even think about meditating these days I get anxious thinking of sitting there trying to be. So usually I just try to do deep breathing and practice mindfulness being aware. I’m hanging in there just trying to be the best I can for my kids. Thanks so much!
If it’s any consolation, I’m 58 now, a bit if a more seasoned warrior, at the point now that I see my “ illness” as a blessing. I pray for your peace. I recommend you look for it in the psalms ( a wonderful place to meditate). I am on my 13 th reading of the Bible because God’s Word feeds me that peace which the world cannot give.
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xx
Just venting again 
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