I can do it...then it’s all happening and I’m free and I’m a little beautiful in and out and everyone else is very beautiful in and out... then I fall while no one else does so everything is ugly again.
Even the things I love most, hope on, are distorted into melted messes of soon to be nothingness but I’m not part of it. I stay.
I think the ‘ And Then I Fall ‘ is pertaining to hurting myself with harsh words/thoughts/feelings /emotions- trauma from the past -and not being in a place of how to cope- to change the usual reaction of behavior- trying to see it differently this time that it was never your fault or mine because a ghost/trauma came up. ‘And Then I Fall’ is being abandoned or misunderstood and choosing that stuck space letting the blackness of not understanding wrap you up so we don’t get far enough to admit that we are worth more than how we were treated. Lift up the veil that hides your worth all the mistakes all the hurts and pain to a new meadow swaying of healing power and light and love which seems too much at first but just dip in then taste then finally plunge and wash off the guilt shame misunderstandings and start over ... take yourself as you are because you’ve gotten through you’ve survived. Keep going.
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That's lovely and resonates with me. I have bipolar and am often misunderstood and hurt. I wonder if it's a common thing for us to be misunderstood and why?
No. Too many decades of hearing the opposite took it away. (Friend! You take my breath away!) But when you look in the mirror, and share your hurt, and your strength, I see your reflection. I'm trying, but I swim in circles.
You'll get through this. My thoughts are with you.
Beautiful and poignant. All of it strikes close to home, literally. I believe that we all have triggers that can set the bipolar reactions in motion. For me, I can trace it back to a specific time in my life when the stress at my job and at home were immense.
I think the the darkness, rage, grief and self-doubt came from my childhood and the inability of my mother to be there consistently for me. She couldn't even be there for herself. She did the best she could though.
I never had meds until I was 50 and at that point I knew that I needed to stay on them. So, I don't have that experience, though I saw it with my oldest daughter and it was very hard for all or us. She made it through and pulled her life together her way.
Taking meds it like walking a tightrope because you can feel overmedicated and stop taking them and be in hell but if your meds are titrated properly, they will fit your needs without dulling your mind. I do still miss the exhilaration of the manic phases.
They say there is a fine line between genius and insanity and I believe it is also between creativity and bipolar disorder, as well. Creativity requires the spark and the vision and may also require deep sadness and anger. That vision, sadness and anger can be costly in other parts of our lives and can lead to us losing control. It seems like an unfair trade off to me but I am still creative, just not quite as inspired....
Meds are tricky. Yes mania- hypomanic episodes I miss but the full blown manic ones that turn into psychosis for me is so scary. I love the feeling but I don’t love doing outrageous things.
Genius and insanity is an interesting subject. For me, I often feel dumb because I tend to see things differently than others but that doesn’t equal dumb just different I’ll have to remember.
That’s great you have creativity. I get that though- not being inspired. It’s so frustrating. I went years without painting but now I am able to again. It’s not the same as it once was, I used to become more lost in it.
I’ve been on some meds for so long I really do wonder what is underneath there. Part of me wants to go off but I don’t want to plummet down into a terrible place.
What meds do you take if you don’t mind sharing that m?
Clonazepam and Lomotrigine. I have also been on anti-depressants and some others too but had bad reactions. These seem tame enough at lower doses and keep the demons chained up.
Thank you 🙏 I just have to get it out every once in a while. It’s hard to share sometimes but I decided I’d rather share and chance not being liked than bottle things up and not be me.
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Has anyone ever given you hopes and dreams, then throws you out like garbage? 
Anyone know what I can do to relax my mind. 😒 Don't feel like I am my self lately. 
What gives a human worth?
