Alright guys this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done, you'll understand why in a second. Before i get there, I'm am doing this for my self, hopefully me doing this will help someone, or give them the courage to speak up. Like I said this is going to be this hardest thing I've ever done, well not writing this hitting that post button will be... I don't even think my family knows this about me, only one person knows I struggle like this. The statistics on this on this is pretty scary.
Okay so a lot of people always say that I'm very understanding with almost every , I'm very caring, compassionate, and will always help even when i cant or i will do everything i can to help (when i say everything I've went to back to Walmart and returned my stereo so my friend can borrow $20). Now what you guys don''t know is why. I've been fighting some pretty messed up demons. I'm tired of hiding this, lying, and I'm trying to grow and evolve as a person, so I'm just going to put it all out there. Hopefully this will help me. Now some of you are going to laugh or make fun of me, some of you wont care, do with it you will. I have been fighting social anxiety for as long as i can remember, and let me tell you it sucks. I've been made fun, of looked down on, made to feel worthless, because I can not really talk to people. Like i tell everyone jokingly I don't know how to talk. That's not technically true I am horrifically, irrationally terrified to talk to people. I over analyze in every way possible I embarrass myself and mess it up. I don't where it came from but my"friends" always being condescending about it front of strangers, sometimes girls I was trying my hardest to talk to. Granted they didn't know, but its still pretty messed up you're actually mocking me in front of whoever it is...That really messed with me more then I care to admit. This is where my outlook on life came from, even though I'm getting attacked I'm trying to understand their situation trying think why they would do this me. Do I deserve this because I did something wrong? I do this for everything, this is how I can see a situation from multiple points. Whats worse is when i trying to get to know someone. That battle with myself took me everything to work up the courage to just say, hi. How do you tell them you should feel really special that i actually made over to you and said hi? I've probably bombed so many relationships attempts because of this. Example I see a girl i'd like to start a normal conversation with, like any other normal human being would? Nope, i will sit there nervous, fighting, even scared of my own voice. Thinking of every indescribable situation on how bad this can go. Staring at every other guy, as if i was a 2 year old trying to learn social skills. some other times when I realize that im walking the wrong way down a street I refuse to turn around and look stupid.
Many of you might just think it's comical or don't understand, I'll try to explain what's its like living with this and trying to hide this is. Fighting yourself everyday trying to pretend to be normal, because your scared to talk to anyone and to afraid to admit there might be something wrong with you. Really takes a toll on you and how you function, I only like to go with my close friends. I just talk to the group that's why i have always said i love to listen. If they leave to go talk to someone or use the bathroom. This is when it starts again I can think of is all the times I've stopped in my tracks because I'm afraid and then panic sets in the heart beats fast. Like everyone in the room is staring at you watching your weakness, it's like your reaching out but your slowly sinking into abysmal darkness desperately look for help, someone pull your from its depths. Everyone thinking you lack confidence or in my case actually mocking me. This is why I don't sing or dance in public, I wish I could open up to everybody like if I was by myself.
This is why I am always optimistic, trying to help someone through hard times, encourage them. I don't want anyone to feel like this it's miserable. I feel like i cant help myself, so i going to try to help everyone else. If I cant figure out a way to help friends I take it pretty hard. This why i am just posting this, instead of trying to hide it, its time to own it. Honesty is the best policy, i know i have so much potential, only if i wasn't afraid to use it. If I have ever initiated a conversation with you, know that you helped me get where I am today. This is why its takes me so long to respond, or sometimes you might think i am a little flaky because l don't to go out. If I am talking one on one with someone, I need a crutch like a phone or something i can "check" when I'm trying to figure out what to say next or give myself a pep talk. I can't small talk unless who ever I am with starts the conversation first. It's like my mind is literally devoid of any info, and your word choose to spark a memory i can talk about. Or I'm just plain scared you will think the topic I pick will be crap. Or i'll start to worry if i am talking to much and being obnoxious, or am i talking to little? Here is an embarrassing example, I was talking to this very intelligent beautiful woman, and all it took for me to start overthinking, is her getting up to grab another drink. In that 30 seconds I made it from I wonder if my topic was boring to, maybe I'm blowing this because I am to quiet, or I really stuttered and mumbled. When she came back I was so scared I couldn't bring myself to to start talking again. So i faked and emergency phone call to leave that very instant, I couldn't even ask her for her phone number.
When I have an Interview, since they ask the questions I can answer them. I end up tripping over words. Using fillers to try to find words. Every interview has the same two question...... Can you tell me a time where you used one of your strengths and can your tell me a time when you had a problem and how did you resolve the problem. So I have made up 2 generic answer that are so damn plain and dry, but thankfully they have always worked. Knock on glass.
These are the things I deal with on a day to day. This is what makes me ashamed, like I'm loosing out on life, or not reaching my potential. It's taken me 3 years to convince myself if i just post letting everyone know and take control of this, I can work on this without being scared. (Right now I'm thinking about deleting this asking myself how many of you are going to think I'm crazy is this this social media suicide, will this actually help others ,and am i and is that a legit thought). It might sound irrational to you, but, I over-analyze it to the point I successfully convince myself your better off not doing it. To the point i'm so relieved when I finally say no, the rush of relief is like seeing the sunshine poking through the blackest clouds of a storm.
Sorry I'm trying to put it all out there so you kind of understand and embarrassing enough that it's kinda funny, to help me cope. For anyone reaching out and get help, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done it has taken me 30 years and I'm about to just explode it on the interwebs.. Anything pertaining Mental Health has certain stigma. Society has pretty much taught us never to really talk about such issues. This can go only one of two ways 1.Good/Horrible: as in i finally made a step in the right direction you have to start somewhere annnnd it looks like I'm deleting my Facebook 2.Good/Good where it helps me to experiment and gives me a little confidence boost. I mean even if I'm this Pariah who know talks to anymore after posting this, and one person messages me saying this help them! That would make it all worth it!!
The reason I am writing this today I researched how get over this. I found the unawareness is very high along with the unwillingness to come forward is not a good mixture.18% of the population suffers from this, of that 18% 36% of them will silently wage this war with themselves for 10-20 years before doing something about it. I'm convincing myself if I can do this willingly it can show others they can to. The younger generation can find anything on the streets illegally to for a temporary fix, now they think they can hide it. Or they get busted with a felony, which will floor your anxiety. Now you have an addiction with some drug that can only fill the emptiness inside you for so long. I can tell you first hand it is far from over once you beat addiction. You never stop fighting that fight and to make a new life for yourself. To add to my Social anxiety, now my fight to stay sober which no one ever tells you. My house burned down, I listened to 11 animal burn alive before the fire fighters got there. I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming, I have some sleepless night if i see a house fire on t.v.. I don't think I will ever be able to get over the fire. Over time I have learned how to cope with it. I seriously don't think I can talk about it on a therapist level. What I'm trying to say is never give up on yourself, I have hit lower than I possibly hit in a years time. If you can't talk to anyone don't lose belief in yourself, which is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Every day your constantly tested and that's easiest thing to lose if your alone. If your the only one that believes in you what do you do when you don't? I am just trying to say if you're dealing with this don't do it the way I did. Start trying to figure out ways to build your confidence to talk, it has taken me 3 years of convincing myself I'm doing this to help others. Then reading the statistics about related suicides, and all I could think about was my son. If i can actually post this or send this it could a son or a daughter. Could I really be so selfish and let my anxiety win this, its so much bigger than me, if someone saved my son i would be forever in his debt. (i'm literally shaking, tearing up because I cant honestly answer this question I just hope I don't delete this letter.) "This is what it am feels like I am going to try type this as I think this.... This is what is freaking me out even thought 75% suicide attempts/Completes involve a diagnosable illness with anxiety, depression 20% have a drug addiction, I want help others share my experiences. If someone told me right now i could save one life by posting this, it would probably break me just having to think about it. this is whats its like to have anxiety I don't why I cant do this. I dont recall any traumatic event that made me this way. Feeling this incapable of saving someones life all because "What IF" does not sit well with me and it scares me that i may not actually do it. if i do send this it will be in rough shape there is no way i can edit this and keep it the way i wrote it first i just hope I can send this, and then take another step.
Feels hard to go through this alone
cheers to us for making it through another year! (random midnight thoughts)
Talking too much about anxiety and other issues?
Getting worse and worse
