Im having a very dark day.

[samack]

I am reacting to the reality that healing requires baby steps, and small progresses at a time. I am at point zero, have not been responsive to meds for years now, and fear that I won't experience any felt progress for a long long time. I ve wasted most of my 62 years and can't cope anymore. I am in new trauma therapy, which I don't think is making me feel worse at this point. I just feel like I am surviving on thin threads. I need support.

[mvillarreal]

samack What makes you feel like you have "wasted" 62 years? Sometimes, people make a difference for others without even realizing it.

[samack in reply to mvillarreal]

Well, I have made a difference in a lot of people's lives as I was a social worker. And a codependent. But I don't think my personal life ever was fulfilling. Thanks for your words.

[Cookie101 in reply to samack]

Samack, what is it that you believe will fulfill your life? Only the other day I watched a lovely video on youtube. Tom Hiddleston was giving a speach. He offered a quote. 'We each have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one'. Perhaps you are at the beginning of your second life? Perhaps this is where it begins for you? youtube.com/watch?v=GuZrVDr...(Not working as expected?) I don't know if the link is working, but here is the title for the video: Tom Hiddleston's Greatest Life Advice Will Change Your Future

[samack in reply to Cookie101]

God, I wish I had a thought what I'd like the second life to be other than notions of connectedness. I mean to say I need to work and can't find anything that makes sense. If that is taken care of, I'd have money for music snd art to explore. And travel. Thanks for the video.

[Cookie101 in reply to samack]

Perhaps it isn't the job that needs to make sense, but what it allows you to do? I don't have a fulfilling job. But it's helping me to pay off some debt that I accrued years ago, which in turn is giving me a sense of achievement, it's also giving me time to focus on things that I enjoy when I'm not working because it doesn't take up so much brain space. Work to live, not live to work and all that.

[mvillarreal in reply to Cookie101]

samack What would a fulfilling life look like to you?

[samack in reply to mvillarreal]

Look at my answer to cookie above. Work is hard to find as my skills are limited to what the general market is looking for.

[mvillarreal in reply to samack]

samack Just forgetting about what the general market is looking for for a moment, if you could do anything, and you knew that time, money, and employment wouldn't be an issue, do you have any idea what you would do then?

[samack in reply to mvillarreal]

I'd want to take art and music lessons mainly. I would want to be socially connected with compatible people to take advantage of outdoor activities. I lost interest in everything and am limited in funds. I hope to get the interest back. Thanks for asking.

[mvillarreal in reply to samack]

samack I wonder if you would be interested in pursuing a career involving art or music, since that's what you're passionate about? Like what if you considered pursuing a degree in music?

[samack in reply to mvillarreal]

I already formally studied and have a PhD that I can't use. But thanks for your support.

[mvillarreal in reply to samack]

samack Was your undergraduate degree in music? Maybe you could use that?

[lisa40509]

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Please remember that feeling less than you should is anxiety and depressions way of robbing us. You and your 62 years are not wasted. Every move forward is in the right direction. You are moving forward! Starting trauma therapy is a huge step! Celebrate your success and that you are accepting help. Me I try to get on here to distract myself from my own current situation and be positive and supportive to others. What could you do right now to distract and be positive? No matter how small. Sometimes I pay it forward at Starbucks. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. If you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to reach out.

[Midori in reply to lisa40509]

Hi Samack

First step is to see your Doctor and get some advice from them, then, maybe Therapy.

Can I ask, Are you retired? Could you perhaps be missing the job?

I missed Nursing so much after retirement, one reason I'm here. I used to take on other jobs with less physicality, such as teaching and examining for a First Aid in The Workplace organisation. I enjoyed it. Are there any volunteer organisations which could benefit from your Social Work experience, perhaps?

Cheers, Midori

[samack in reply to Midori]

You know I never got paid well within not for profits, and as a volunteer they are requiring you to do the job that entry level social workers used to do. They are saving money that way and it is too much to ask. Yes, it would be fine to volunteer otherwise. Maybe as a firefighter. 🔥 😅

[Midori in reply to samack]

If not for profits are Charities; there are few Paid positions within them, as they are meant to put as much as possible into the kitty to support the Service users as possible. In UK, we volunteer our services in all kinds of Charities, from medical to Charity shops, animal charities, heritage, etc. Even our lifeboats are run by charities. Many of us help out in Charities to keep out knowledge and qualifications current.

[samack]

thank you. I go on here for companionship. Saying what I have not been able to share with others. It can be a distraction for sure but I've been so down.

[lisa40509 in reply to samack]

If you need additional help remember it’s a sign of strength not weakness. Wishing you brighter days ahead❤️

[samack]

💕

[pam4him]

So sorry you are struggling. The new therapy sounds like it could make a difference. Perhaps visit with your dr about adjusting meds (new ones are coming out quite often). Have you tried gratitude journaling? It can help change your mental focus from all that's gone wrong to what has gone right and help you see the good around you. It may take a little practice, but it can be a helpful mental trick. In the meantime, we are here for you. Prayers for peace, strength, wisdom and guidance.

[samack in reply to pam4him]

I can use all the prayers that I can get Thanks so much.

🤠

[Roxylox]

I feel you must have made a valuable difference to lots of people as a social worker. You must have done some worthwhile work.

You replied to someone that your personal life hasn't been fulfilling.

I have a good marriage and family, but no local friends.

I joined a mental help peer support group on Zoom, but they are on a Summer break.

It is usually lighthearted, centred on hobbies like music or art. They were also trying to help one member get social housing though. Your experiences could probably be valuable in such a group. I do not know what country you live in.

I found Zoom a bit easier to interact with than face to face 'cos l suffer a little from Social Anxiety.

I wish you relief from the sadness and heaviness, you deserve joy.

[samack in reply to Roxylox]

its a nice idea having light conversation. If I knew that people understand what's going on I would enjoy that. Thanks for your support.

[Gtyh]

Feeling your pain. Hang on in there and hope you hang on to those threads, that’s determination!. You feel you’ve wasted 62 years at the moment your here and will be strong again in fact you are strong. X

[samack in reply to Gtyh]

I sppreciate your words of comfort. Thanks

[Tara52]

I understand. My whole life has been surviving one abusive relationship after another. I was diagnosed with depression at 18 but I was always frightened and sad even as a young child. Anyway after many hospitalizations, therapy, meds, electroshock, & religion I pretty much felt hopeless also. It may sound strange but after my boyfriend of 13years committed suicide 3 years ago, I seriously started seeking God. He started healing my broken heart and I began experiencing His tangible love and prescence. I started coming out of the "victim" mentality and had to forgive all those that hurt me. It has been a slow process and I still suffer from some of the PTSD symptoms but I can function so much better than I did 3 years ago. I am praying for you. Don't give up hope! 💗🙏God is closer to you than your next breath & He loves you immensely!

[samack]

That's wonderful. I hope i am as lucky to find faith.

[lolanell]

Hi.sorry for your hard time. From zero you can go up. Keep track and make a chart put some small win on it. They all add up and hopefully you will feel better. No life is wasted. I am sitting here and thinking about you. I am a teacher at a mental hospital and work with a lot of social workers. I love social workers they really care about people. Keep in touch.

[samack in reply to lolanell]

My best to you. We US rarely have mental hospitals anymore. Let me know how you're doing.💜

[Daveacr1959]

I am 62 too, and I have days where I know how you feel. I have battled generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks since 1993. After trying 8 different antidepressants, one at a time in different doses . They finally put me on a beta blocker and klonopin. That was 1995. Looking back I had been self medicating my anxiety with daily cardio exercise to produce endorphins that battle anxiety and depression. I don’t have depression just anxiety. So I went back to daily cardio exercise and proper sleep.

I had been doing real good. I had built up my third business. I was running 2 businesses at once . I am married 41 years. My 2 kids I was able to help them with college. They are both nurses and I’m a grandpa. Then 16 months ago I was doing my daily 100 push-ups, before my 1 mile swim and something popped. My sternum cracked and a bone tumor. I was diagnosed and treated for cancer. Osteosarcoma of the sternum. A 1 in a million chance to get it. I have been stuck in a place of fear of reoccurrence and p t s d from the treatment and surgery. For the first time in my life I tried counseling. After 10 sessions it didn’t work. The counselor didn’t have anxiety or battle cancer so she couldn’t help me. It was telemedicine and if I didn’t talk we would just have silence. I could tell she was doing her best but lost .

The good news is the cancer is in remission 16 months. I had a scan a week ago, and for 3 days I was almost my old self. As much as I can be with a cement sternum. Then I slowly go back to fear and p t s d . And do my best. I had to sell both my businesses. Luckily money is not the problem. A lady from the cancer support group said you lost your security when you lost control of your body. And I think she is right. I have some resistance bands for mild weight training for upper body. You can get them on Amazon for $40 they come with instructions and they say most popular by them. Each band is about 4 feet long and yellow, blue, green, black, and red. They have handles. I feel so much better after I’m done with them. Then I ride the exercise bike for 40 minutes. I am 75 percent better after this . I go spend tonight with my grandkids. I am around them 24 hours and it gives me hope and joy . I have been going over there 1 night a week for 4 years to help the parents. It’s a handful to watch a 1 and 4 year old alone. Her mom and dad alternate thier schedules at work so they can not need daycare. The kids bedroom is on the opposite side of the house of the parents., and my granddaughter who will be 4 in 2 months is scared to sleep alone. So her and I sleep in the guest bedroom. We will go swimming before dinner. I can’t swim anymore but I help her. We will play unicorns with her stuffed animals before bed for an hour. And we will hold hands before we sleep. She will say “ gramps can you rub my back “ this helps her fall asleep. Little does she know grandpa is scared too. And I know how it feels to be scared. Not scared of the dark like she is . Scared of illness and drs etc . The baby is 1 year old and teething. I will get up with him to keep the parents from being woken up. I am able to help and feel useful over there . Plus my kids and grandkids gave me the strength to get treatment and surgery. I know how you feel. I have been through a lot of rough times in my life. But nothing like this. Where I am stuck and can’t move on. I am so great full I am in remission. But I can’t seem to shake it. I am a 34 year real estate and mutual fund investor. But with the high prices and possible bubble, I don’t do that now either. I ran my own air conditioning and refrigeration and heating business 40 years. I think we both need to stay busy excercising. And I need a part time job. Maybe you too. And a cat or dog if you can commit for life to it. I am here for you, there is a way to private chat if you need to but I don’t know how to initiate it. I chat with one other guy on here . We try to keep each other going. One thing I know. If we can keep going, we will be ok. I just take 1 day at a time. My kids and wife and parents have seen one of the most tenacious people they know, become a passenger in his own life. Some times we have to let someone else drive. Hang in there 62. You have a lot to be great full for. And A lot to offer the world. There is a loving god . But I have not been able to find him in any book myself yet . They say it’s a him because people who have died and come back feel a masculine presence. Know you are loved by god . And your mission is not done yet, so keep going.

[lolanell in reply to Daveacr1959]

You are amazing.

[Daveacr1959 in reply to lolanell]

I’m just a son, brother, grandson.. dad, husband, father and grandpa.. not ready to quit yet., plus if we quit too early.. the creator just sends us back!

[samack in reply to Daveacr1959]

😉

[samack]

Thanks for you're story . I had an early stage cancer "cured" and understand the ptsd. There are but rare, drs oncolgical psychiatrists and may be social workers. I think you need to work on that issue first. It really is a blow to feel our body betrayed us. Its nice to have a family structure to support each other. Your business situation unfortunately echoes a lot of others who are suffering. I did not have a stable work life due to poor thinking due to complex ptsd from childhood. Thats part of my grief.Thanks for your support and hope I can find faith.

Got to get back to exercise, I know.

[Daveacr1959 in reply to samack]

I can’t find any dr or shrink or social workers to help me . And I have tried. Maybe you can help me? It sounds like you have been through this? Thanks

[samack in reply to Daveacr1959]

Where do you live?

[Daveacr1959 in reply to samack]

Phoenix

[samack in reply to samack]

Try calling any cancer treatment centers, with outpatient clinic or call american cancer society. They may know. Worth a try.

[Daveacr1959 in reply to samack]

My business situation is good. I am 62 and ok to retire. But I liked working so much I probably would have not retired. I chose to sell the businesses and retire. But I understand about the strain of money. I grew up poor as did many people. It must have had a big impact on me, because I liked to work and save and invest. But I am not a materialistic person. I always knew health beat wealth. It’s why I am taking it so hard . And my scans have been good. But there is fear of reoccurrence and p t s d from the type of illness and harsh treatment and surgery and after effects. I am not trying to make light of your situation. I saw your post about needing support and I am here for you. As are many others. Do you have any family who lives near you?

I think it would be good if you got together with at least one person who loves you

[Daveacr1959 in reply to Daveacr1959]

Are you fit enough to excercise? Does your dr say ok ? If so please go for a brisk walk each day before it’s hot . Also you tube has aerobics for every level. I had never done aerobics, but after my surgery it was all I could do. I started with senior aerobics then advanced senior aerobics.. then I worked my way to mild regular aerobics.. and then back on the excercise bike.. a big nice black guy named Curtis in a lime green shirt has the senior aerobics.. and pop sugar has the more advanced.. Anna.. it’s why the wild animals excercise and the hamster runs the wheel.. to burn off steam and feel better.. it’s also why the guys in prison excercise in thier cells and outside in the yard .., as much for mental health as physical.. please try this

[samack in reply to Daveacr1959]

Will do.

[samack in reply to Daveacr1959]

Yes. Friends are what I need.

[Daveacr1959 in reply to samack]

Do you have anyplace you can go for half a day? Or to spend the night? A family member who lives nearby? Friends are ok , but nothing beats family. This is very therapeutic

[Livelydively]

Fellow social worker here... the secondary trauma we go through on top of our own trauma can be overwhelming. Even if you only helped one person, you are successful and haven't wasted your time.

I hope you find something that provided you comfort.

[samack in reply to Livelydively]

I loved all my clients. I know I was good at what I did and helped many. I was happy to do that back then. Thanks comrade.

[Jas_singh]

May I know in detail about your problem?

[lolanell]

Hi, how are you. What did you study in school. No, you did not waste time. With no funds you must find free activities. I found walking in different parts of my city very fun. Also, find a park and sit and watch the children play. Can you start a group for grieving people and charge a small amount. People need more support groups where they can meet people to form friendships.

[samack]

I tried to form groups several times and they didn't take off. I cant stand doing anything alone anymore. I did walk last year. Now I'd have to go alone. When I sit and watch children I cry. I don't mean to be negative but that's where I'm at.