Unhelpful thoughts

[LadyLunarcat]

What should I do when I have suicidal ideation from my anxiety? I don’t think I would ever actually kill myself or hurt myself but there have been times it has gotten close. Nowadays it is more like I am scared of the future and don’t want to exist anymore sometimes but I wouldn’t take my own life. I have ativan for anxiety but sometimes once it wears off I am sad again. I am going to try getting some cbd gummies today to see if they help, thc is not legal in my state yet (but it is in the states around me). The thoughts are not nearly as bad as they were years ago but they still distress me. Sorry. Thank you for your time. I will listen to all suggestions.

[Pugglesworth]

Hi and welcome to the board.

I am not a mental health professional.

Let me say up front that if your contemplating suicide you should call your local suicide prevention hotline or the national number in the US at 1-800-273-8255. You can also get help at the closest emergency room.

You say you've gotten close to hurting yourself or ending your life. To me this indicates you're in a lot of pain. This is not a place for anyone to be. Thinking of suicide is quite different than putting together a plan. When you've contemplated the idea, rolled it around in your head for an extended period of time and identified a plan you need help. At this point you can't handle this on your own. As human beings our survival instinct overrides any ideas of self harm until the pain we're experiencing is greater than our instinct to persist and be well.

Having a thought of suicide, what the world would be without us, who would care can become contemplation as we ruminate on these thoughts and give them energy. We focus on them and make them substantial. This is true with any thought. Thoughts are simply thoughts. They don't control us. They are not who we are. They only have the power we give them.

I suggest you seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

[Lettercutter]

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please keep the hotline number 1-800-273-8255 handy, or Google it when needed. Also reach out to someone that you know cares enough to listen to you, and ideally to be physically present with you at those times. (I know that's not always possible.)

About Ativan: It's intended to treat anxiety, not depression. In fact, some people may find that it makes depression worse. It's also a benzo, which means it can be addictive. So be careful with that. I use it only occasionally, because right now my problem is more about depression than anxiety.

CBD and medical marijuana have never done anything for my depression. They might help for anxiety, but (1) there can be a huge difference between different strains of marijuana and (2) everyone reacts differently. So I would say, research different strains, and don't expect others' experiences (like mine, for example to necessarily predict whether it will help you.

I hope that you can learn more about what works for you, start feeling better soon, and keep feeling better.