Thoughts

[Carolyn94]

I feel so lost, I have no friends to confide in. You ever just feel like you lost touch of yourself. I feel like a lost soul trying to find my way back to my body. I keep telling myself it will be okay but honestly I don't know any more. I don't know who I am anymore, I just wanna be happy but then again I forgot how happiness really feels when I have spent years pretending to be so that I can be strong for others but who's strong for me no one. I can't call on anyone for help not to talk to or anything.

[mysmugcat]

Just to say hi and pm me anytime. Confide in us. I've had a tough time lately losing my partner to cancer.

[Carolyn94 in reply to mysmugcat]

Thanks. Sorry about your partner.

[mysmugcat in reply to Carolyn94]

Tyvm

[gogogirl in reply to mysmugcat]

Soory to hear about your partner/

[mysmugcat]

Have you told anyone you know how you feel?

[Carolyn94 in reply to mysmugcat]

No I have literally lost my one friend from me being depressed and going through mania. And my mom passed away when I was ten so I really have no one. People just call me when they need help but don't even pick or respond for me.

[mysmugcat in reply to Carolyn94]

So sorry to hear these things. What would happen do you think if you told one or so e if these people how you feel, the ones who call you up!

Some of these people I meant above.

[Carolyn94 in reply to mysmugcat]

I've tried one time and all I heard was it will be okay. No one actually took time to understand me or try to help me they just put me down or call me crazy.

[mysmugcat in reply to Carolyn94]

Sorry to hear that. Are you diagnosed with depression or anxiety and if so have medicine or a counsellor? I have both for depression, likely anxiety. It's hard i know.

[Carolyn94 in reply to mysmugcat]

Yes I have both and ptsd on too of bipolar disorder. Lots of trauma as a child among other things.

[mysmugcat in reply to Carolyn94]

Ok thanks I had neglect as a child and was in the care system. Sorry to hear those things

[Jm37]

I can truly relate & my heart goes out to you. I have anxiety, depression & PTSD from my childhood. I am alone a lot & thank god everyday for my dog I've had the past 12 yrs. I know I found him in some bushes at my apartment complex for a reason!

Do you have any pets? I don't mean to be like, "get a dog & life will be better." I just know that people say the nicest things about how they are here for you or call me anytime even if it's the middle of the night type of things but sometimes we actually do reach out & find out that they were just nice words. I had a bad experience with that & it's stuck with me unfortunately & I struggle with letting people really know me which contributes to a lot of my loneliness & lack of support. So to hear that your brave enough to say how you feel & ask for help encourages me. Even if that person said oh you'll be ok I hope you'll keep reaching out to people & asking. I hope I can take a page from your book & begin asking & telling other people about how I'm hurting & need someone to talk to. As far as your friend leaving you because of your depression? I don't know the story obviously but I wonder if she was a friend? Honestly no offense to your friend. You hang in there & know your not alone. I'm going to keep you in my prayers.

[Carolyn94 in reply to Jm37]

Thank you so much...and I don't hqve any pets. I do have a daughter she is two. I try to keep it together for her. Everything you said I can relate too. And as for as my friend goes I think she just was there because she needed me but when it came time for me to need her she wasn't so I think our friendship was just a phase but hopefully oneday she'll understand.

[Kobojunkie]

Do you have parents or guardians? If yes, pick up the phone or drive home and tell them all that you are burdened with. They may not have answers for you. But unburdening yourself to loved ones is a quick way to getting back on track.

my mum is one of those penticostal type who used to believe prayer solves everything and you are only sick because you choose to be. Well, one day, i came home went straight in her room and told her of all the terrible thoughts that had been plaguing me since i was a child and how I rarely have any good memories of the time because i was literally stuck inside my head much of the time and couldn't see what it was that everyone was so happy about. i also told her how she contributed to the problem by some of the decisions she made.

of course she has since recovered from the shock but working to get her to see me and life in new light(an exercise which has taken many many years to accomplish by the way), helped make her my supporter and my help. She lives with me now. And anytime i feel down,i got to her with the thoughts. Of course she still resists me, but I have someone to talk to all the time and that sincerely helps the most.

[Carolyn94 in reply to Kobojunkie]

No I have no parents or guardian. I've distanced myself from family being that I grew up in foster care and they judge me off of my diagnosis instead of listening so its just me and my thoughts.

[Kobojunkie in reply to Carolyn94]

it is probably time to bottle up your ego and go work on rebuilding those old family ties. I know it may not be what you want but I am convinced that this condition of ours in a weird way imposes a need for us to be involved in the life of others to be able to work through things and live the life we want.

Even if family does not listen you, it is ok. And please don't ever get the impression that anyone, including family members are expected to listen to you no matter what. so, just talk whenever you can and feel the need to. Let them be free to make the decision to listen or to not.

No one I have ever met has mindreading abilities. So, yes, your thoughts will in fact remain your thoughts until you open your mouth to speak up about them.

[Carolyn94 in reply to Kobojunkie]

Well I have multiple times and after being called crazy and them speaking things about my unborn was the end of that

[Kobojunkie in reply to Carolyn94]

i am afraid you don't get to decide how many times you can try.

Like I said earlier, that this condition of ours imposes on us a need to be involved in the life of others to be able to work through things and live the life we want.

So to cure that terrible feeling of emptiness/loneliness, that won't even.go away even if you decided to surround yourself 24/7 with people who you assume will pass as friends, one would need to get out of one's head, swallow one's pride, and get to working on building relationships with others, or mending the one's we already have. Either way, those who end up surviving and in fact do so living out their dreams, are those who respond positively to that yearning on the inside to live not just for self.

[Kobojunkie in reply to Carolyn94]

Even with my own family, i find i have to swallow my pride most everyday to live. it is sort of my way of saying "I still need you even though you are being a jerk at this time" cause the truth is I do need them.

Maybe they are never really going to come to my rescue at any point in my life, and they may never be by my side when I am in the hospital or in prison. That doesn't matter. What matters is I need them in order to keep my peace, happiness and life that i love. I know if I walk away I may loose all that again, and I am unwilling to make that mistake again so instead, I humble myself so I can live.

[gogogirl in reply to Kobojunkie]

Remember that is you. Not everyone feels that way about family especially if they deliberately hurt or even steal or wish harm. Question: Why do you want to call people who won't be by your side family? Family are those who are there for you. Everyone feels different about that. You are right about this however. No one is perfect nor is anyone a mindreader.

[Kobojunkie in reply to gogogirl]

Well, you don't get to choose who your relatives are. They may turn out to be crazies but they are yours for life.

you say family are those who are there for you, but would that not also mean you also have to be there for them ?

We all have the ideal picture of our perfect family but the truth is they don't exist so we settle with what we got and make the best of it.

I tried running away from mine too but after some years out there, not finding myself the new "family" I.thought i could create out with others, I found myself all alone and lonely. Rather than end it, i packed my bags and went back home. That turned out to be the best thing i ever did for myself.

[Carolyn94 in reply to Kobojunkie]

Yeah that's totally understandable but they have not ever been there for me nor my child even when both mh lungs collapsed amd I was in ICU. They gave me up after my mom died when I was ten then came back got me at 18 and took all the money my mom left for me and put me out so I was not only homless literally but pregnant also walking the streets in the cold sleeping in the park.

[Kobojunkie in reply to Carolyn94]

Are you speaking of your dad, your siblings?

[Carolyn94 in reply to Kobojunkie]

From my dad to on passed my siblings when I say everyone I mean just that.

[gogogirl in reply to Kobojunkie]

We do not all have the picture of the ideal family. I know I certainly do not. Also, yes, people are relatives, but I know many people who have relatives that they have never met- not because of their choosing. Also, what about people who have always been there for family, but their pay back is getting stolen from, made fun of because of a disability, or having other harm reigned on them. It's good that it worked out for you, but unfortunately it does not always work out that way. Remember one size does not fit all, and it is good you had a happy ending. I have worked with some kids who were taken away from families at an early age because of horrible abuse including sexual. Some of these kids went on to residential schools ( this was years ago) and in some cases they were placed with adoptive families and it worked out. So, it can be very unfortunate, but some people were just not meant to or capable of having kids.

[gogogirl in reply to Carolyn94]

Family called you crazy? Sounds like they need an education.

[TAPNewEngland]

I'm in the same boat and have been for a long time. I stay very busy at all times, whether working around the house, exercising, or going to work. This is a safe forum for you as there are lots of good people out there with similar issues who need a forum to vent.

[Carolyn94 in reply to TAPNewEngland]

Thanks I will definitely try to get into more activities to help clear my head.

[gogogirl in reply to Carolyn94]

Activities are good if they are meaningful I think. I agree with tap ne. This is a safe forum . Also to the person who said that about meaningful family relationships no matter what. I understand that- but what if someone's family is downright abusive? There are people who are quite relieved to be out of contact. It is a shame but sometimes that is how it is.

[Kobojunkie in reply to gogogirl]

I agree there are exceptions. I happen to have known.a dude whose father molested him when he was a kid. He does not even communicate with his mom because he feels she did nothing to save him. But this dude misses having his family. He sometimes even gets the insane thought may have had a part to play in it.

He is now married anyways, and I hope everyday that he no longer feels alone.

[gogogirl in reply to Kobojunkie]

How awful! Especially since he feels guilty for that. Of course he misses having a family- but I am sure he does not miss that family- at least I hope not. I hope that he gets the help he needs to become whole again.

[gogogirl]

You can privately "chat" if you'd like to gogo girl. I understand. There is a difference between "socializing" and really having a friendship. Have you also tried a NAMI support group? ( National Alliance on Mental Illness). I just did a walka thon with some members.