First Eid Alone

[rainbowshades]

May 13th was supposed to be a happy day for Muslims worldwide. It was Eid. So I tidied up the house only to realise I had to make do with mouldy bread as breakfast. Shops were closed for the holiday.

I prepared myself for the inevitable when I left home for my studies, I would not be going home for Eid due to Covid. I consoled myself saying I would be with my housemates. But, they all left. Students were allowed to go back with their own cars. With no car, I was alone. With mouldy bread.

And with my self-loathe.

If she wasn't around, I would probably convince my mother to come pick me up. Apparently, that was allowed. But, no she said my father would complain all the way. She said I will only be a nuisance. She said I don't deserve to come home and celebrate.

I could ask my friends who were nearby to send me to my sister's. But, no. Self-loathe said I have no right to stay at my sister's for so long. I usually spend two days there. She said I would only be a burden to my sister. And me and those friends are not that close anyway. I have no right to ask them such a favor. I have no way of returning it either. I am just a lousy friend who don't deserve such kind people.

So for the first two days, I felt myself falling back into that dark hole I was once in back in November 2019. The urge to cut was back and strong. Thankfully, I was too much of a chicken to hurt myself. So all I did was draw lines with red pen on my hand.

I won't lie, there were tears. I also I understand why I have this habit of throwing my phone around whenever I am frustrated. The other option was to hurt myself. It was a compromise.

It was my first Eid alone, but definitely not my last. Might as well get used to it.

PS Spend the day watching memes and funny Youtubers, it will trick your brain into thinking you're happy.

PSS I just wanted to vent, I can't use WhatsApp, FB or Instagram, people will know it is me. Thanks for those reading, I guess.

[Hb2003]

🙏❤️ I’m so sorry that you celebrated Eid alone lots of kindness love and support- Hiba

[lovemydoggy]

Sorry it's such a tough time for you. This is a good place to vent. ❤

[Imaaan]

Sorry to hear that you spent Eid alone. I was too. It's always difficult during celebratory occasions to be by ourselves. The pandemic hasn't made things easier for our mental health either.

Wishing you a belated Eid Mubarak

[Marshall64]

That is unfortunate that you felt alone on such a festive day but you have us here on the forum.