Anxiety has been high this week and I’ve had two panic attacks while out.

I’ve suffered really horrible anxiety levels this week, I’m not sure why, it maybe due to lack of motivation and I’ve not been exercising this week. I had a panic attack a few days ago on the way to a shop, I knew it was going to be busy, I managed to calm myself down by focusing on my breathing and I carried on. When I got back home I didn’t think much of what happened but today it happened again but it was in the shop, again I managed to carry on and calm myself down. I am sitting here thinking “wow, I have amazing coping skills”, I managed to get myself out of two panic attacks in a week, with no help from anyone and not give up. When I got home I did thought have a rant at my mother about how I was feeling, she thought I was overreacting and kept giving me solutions when all I wanted was to release all the pent up anxiety. She did say I was very draining and kept telling me to just go do something rather than talk to her, she kept talking over me and saying I just always look for problems in everything. I am now feeling very depressed because I feel a huge burden on people especially her. I can’t talk to many people because the people that are around me, act like their life is fantastic. I just sometimes want people to be real and say “ yes life is hard and not always happy, but we are here for you”. I just feel so alone in the way I think because everyone acts like life is a breeze and it’s not for me. I was bullied at school by teachers and pupils, parents that suppressed and dismissed my feelings constantly and was never listened to,sexually assaulted when I was 10 years old by a friends brother, sexually assaulted on holiday, raped on a date, raped by an ex, raped by a boyfriend at the time, also I was abused in that relationship, the mentioned boyfriend took his life, I lost my job due to depression, lost my apartment and money because of him. My parents think I need to stop dwelling on everything and trust people, I don’t think I dwell too much but I think it’s only natural to not trust a lot of people considering my people have not shown me much trust. My self esteem has been at an all time low and it is extremely draining everyday to to work on myself. My mother asked me, “why do you need to change and work on yourself?” I thought that was a strange question as she knows what I’ve been through, I don’t want to have low self worth, low self esteem anymore. I want to feel comfortable in myself and accept myself for me. I don’t want to be like every woman in my family that has low self worth, I want a happy respectful relationship one day, but I can only have that once I learn to fully accept and love myself for who I am, flaws and all.

[Joeyman]

Hello friend, I am truly sorry for the suffering you have been through. When things are all going well, people take good mental health for granted. It's when things go downhill that we begin to appreciate the little things in life. As someone suffering with mental health issues myself, I know how sad it feels to see others acting like life is a breeze while there is a storm raging inside me. I can relate to your feelings of low self esteem, difficulty trusting people and having panic attacks. I was in a really dark place some time back and I never thought I would ever be happy again. My mental health became so bad that I finally decided to see a psychiatrist who started me on medication. That's when I started seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I am happier now. In addition to medicine, I have also started practising spirituality and spending time outdoors in nature. My mental health is better these days. Are you seeing a mental health expert? They have helped me a lot. In the meantime, you can start with small steps daily. You could do something as simple as helping your mom with some chores. Spirituality has taught me to let go of anger and resentment and to forgive others. This in itself has given me a lot of mental peace. One of my regular solutions is to watch sitcoms; they make us realise how funny life can be. By the way kudos to you for managing your panic attacks- you are stronger than you realise! Let me be one of the first people to say " Yes, life is hard and not always happy but WE ARE HERE FOR YOU😃". YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[Hidden in reply to Joeyman]

Thank you for your reply, it was positive yet realistic. That’s fantastic new that you are seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have been seeing the light too but on occasions I do take a turn down hill. I do talk with a therapist and I do take medication both have been a life saver for me. I know my mind set has changed recently (for the better) but I still need work on increasing my self worth. I try hard to do one thing every day that makes me happy and that is just for me, some days I will do more than one but I aim just for the one. I do help my mother out a lot with different things, I’m in my 30s and it does get to me living at my parents as I am capable of living on my own but it just having the confidence to get a job that I feel I will be good at and value. I’m trying to get in to working with children with learning difficulties.

What things make you happy that you do just for yourself?

[Joeyman in reply to Hidden]

I am glad to hear that you are getting help. There is no shame in living with your parents whatever be your age. Life doesn't have a fixed script; it's more like a treasure hunt. Just because you have taken a path different from others doesn't make it wrong.

The question you asked at the end is a very interesting one. So here are some of the things that I do just for myself:

1. I sleep a lot compared to other people. My mind feels more at peace when I do. A long time back I used to think that this was me being lazy. Now I have learnt to live with the fact that this is just how I am.

2. I try to do some exercise a few days of the week. I have learnt from personal experience that regular exercise significantly improves my mood and overall mental health.

3. I watch films and tv shows. I have been doing this for so many years and feeling better afterwards. It seems art provides a source for catharsis.

4. Finally there is spirituality. It became my rescue in the last weeks prior to me seeking medical help. I was having too much anxiety and things were becoming unbearable for me. That's when I sought spirituality. Now along with medication, I continue to practice spirituality.

[TangledUpIn in reply to Joeyman]

Interesting that you sleep a lot...how many hours a day Joeyman?

[TangledUpIn]

Hedge -hug, I read every word that you wrote...very well written. I totally get what you are going through. You mom reminds me of my mom and things my mom has said to me. Both our mom's are feeling guilty I think and so they blame us.

[Hidden in reply to TangledUpIn]

Aw thank you!

[KJnOTT]

I am so glad you reached out, we need the support and encouragement of others, particularly when we are struggling. I know what it is like to feel stuck in your situation and feelings, wondering when it is going to turn around. Take it one day at a time, no more than that. Here is a great resource that may be of help to you: bit.ly/3hb5ebt

Praying that you find strength, hope and love during this season. Blessings