My therapist suggested

[bonkers65]

I got the book my therapist suggested today. It's titled "Stop Being Nice". It's about being assertive, not being a people pleaser and not caring what other people think about you. I hope it helps, but I've been like this all my life. Have always been shy and had social anxiety. Hell it was even hard to put this post on here!!! And of course I beat myself up for being like this adding to my already low self esteem. But I'm going to try. I hope I can change. Any suggestions and encouragement would be appreciated.

[Rabtab5]

I felt the same way posting for the first time. Everyone is very welcoming and positive here. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Try not to be so hard on yourself. (I have problems with that myself) my counselor keeps telling me to pause, & think how I would respond if it were someone else... I am a people pleaser, & tend to be extra hard on myself. If I would be encouraging, understanding, forgiving, to someone else, then I need to try to give myself the same courtesy. It's hard, & I definitely have set backs, but it is helping some. I feel like this site is a nice way to get some good vibes & good tips from others.

Hang in there. It will get better.

[bonkers65 in reply to Rabtab5]

Yes that's what my therapist says is to have compassion for yourself.

[Dolphin14]

Sounds like a good book. I've been a people pleaser my whole life. Always doing for others and always worried what people were thinking of me etc.

I've learned to set boundaries and learned the word " no" I understand now that I can't be there for everyone and make everyone happy. I have to take care of me too.

Let us know how the book is.

[bonkers65 in reply to Dolphin14]

Ok I will

[Hidden]

When you stop being a people pleaser, which I was my entire life up until about 8-9 years ago, you’re life will be completely changed forever, in the best and most rewarding ways.

This isn’t an over night process, but a gradual stepping towards a better version of you that will have you saying ‘wow’, there’s freedom from inner conflict, better tools going forward for dealing with outer conflicts. Social situations definelty improve, confidence builds, and yes you stop caring what others think, your walking around with new armor on.

I hope the book ends up being one of those tools that gives you those first steps.

[bonkers65 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I hope it helps too.

[scarr6]

My counselor once asked me through an exercise where, when I was thinking a lot about how people saw me and not wanting to upset anyone, she had me think about a time someone made a mistake or I had made a request of and they had graciously turned me down at that moment. As we thought about me being the other person, I realized I wasn't thinking about their mistake or their response nearly as long as I was worried about how others had reacted to me. It has slowly started to teach me that while I'm worried far after the fact how I came off to someone, they probably were not thinking about the same situation at that time. I learned that some of the things I was afraid of because they were big deals were not as significant as I thought they were.

[bonkers65 in reply to scarr6]

I understand what you're saying and I agree. That's another thing my therapist said was that I really don't know what people are thinking about me.

[scarr6 in reply to bonkers65]

They really don't! I found, for myself, it was really helpful to get out of my head. I was viewing the world so much through myself that I was placing undue weight on myself. I'm slowly learning that the things I do, specifically the things I do wrong, aren't the most important things in the room and that takes a lot of pressure off to perform and an opportunity to just be and enjoy the moment.

[jesca18]

I need to read this book!

Is that the full title? I can’t seem to find it

Would you mind telling me who the author is? Thanks

[bonkers65 in reply to jesca18]

The name of the book is "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura

[jesca18 in reply to bonkers65]

Got it! Thanks!