What is happening?

[Meyer_Gdmnx]

Hello everyone I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe during all of this and thank you very much for your continued support throughout this year.

Hi guys I’m very worried by how not worried I feel by my current state. I can’t really describe it other than I feel in a fog but don’t care I don’t sleep well but don’t care I don’t eat properly but don’t care I just don’t care there are occasional sparks within me but over all I’ve just lost all hope. I’m not motivated to do anything in terms of suicide but the thought doesn’t trouble me as much as it should I believe. It just feels like I’m running on like -200% capacity if that makes sense? Also feel like people around me font care about how dire the situation is but neither do I? I’ve got therapy coming up soon but I’m struggling to see the point just feel like my issues are never fully resolved because I have no clue what they are

[Mumma_h]

Hey there Meyer_Gmnx, you sound like you’ve just lost your spark, are you suffering depression, ( probably silly question, but can’t make presumption s ) . If so , this is a classic symptom , it sucks you dry of joy , all the things that use to make you happy just don’t anymore. Also it’s proven that our brain actually changes during depression, sometimes the things that use to make us happy just don’t anymore, not our fault, it’s the changes in the brain, this good receptors start to die .....I suffered extreme depression for 6 years , it honestly was hell on earth, if you had of given me a million bucks it wouldn’t have helped me , if I had the biggest party it wouldn’t have brought me ANY happiness, my brain was severely affected!!! But what I can tell that it definitely can change , I feel my brain has healed , sounds weird probably, but I love the plasticity of the brain, like any other body part IT CAN HEAL. I wish I could give you an exact cute , i still think it’s a miracle I’m here , and actually experience happiness!!! What the heck ??? I thought I was way too far gone for it to be even possible . I wasn’t on meds , long story, or counseling, ( which I highly recommend now , please get on medication if you aren’t, amazing talented doctors have created them for people like us , take advantage of it for yourself). Anyway what helped me was doing something Ithat actually brought me joy , not something that I was told I should do ) . I didn’t want a bloody cup of tea , or a nice little chat , that didn’t cut it for me !!! I got out in my veggie patch im my old Raggy clothes with a beer or two and got stuck into it , covered in dirt but I don’t care .!! It floats my boat , no one else’s !! No problems in my garden, no pressure,the tomatoes and corn don’t tell me what I am and aren’t doing wrong 😆. I get a kick out of finding old items the side of the road and making it into something beautiful for my home . No one would guess most of the stuff in my house was free!!! If you could do one thing at all that floats YOUR boat , whatever it is , JUST DO IT , but it MUST , be something YOU like . It will get good endorphins running and then it’s starts to perpetuate, like a tumble weed . Come on you can do this ,just try !!! Organise a funny movie night with mates , pizza .... pick a movie that cracks YOU up !! It’s not a cure all , so don’t expect that but I promise you it will begin to let out good endorphins, and then you’ll find something else that gives you spark and do that next . I found that there was no point in doing anything at all at my worst , but that tiny weeny miniature bit of hope started wit this . What I wanted too was for someone to just sit and let me talk , and talk and talk and talk until I got all my pain out and express how I was REALLY feeling,this didn’t happen for me but wish it did . Is this something you could do , do you have someone who would do that for you ??? And another very very important thing to know is that you MUST have hope . This is where the tiny seed of healing begins. Today might be s__t but DOES nit mean at all that you’ll feel like this forever. I say this unashamedly and with great confidence that if I can get better ( and find TRUE happiness in life ) then ANYONE can , i was the walking dead for many years , my mind was tormented day and night please have hope and go find one tiny thing you MIGHT enjoy , and those small good endorphins will open up the possibility to more, prayers coming your way ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Meyer_Gdmnx in reply to Mumma_h]

Thank you so so much for your reply and the effort you put into typing it all out it really means a lot and I apologise for the lateness of my reply. I do believe I’m suffering with depression yes it’s not a silly question at all I’ve never been officially diagnosed with depression but to give a little summary of what has happened I began having really awful panic attacks after I left school and started college they went away for a little while but as I stated at a new college they came back quite heavily I fell behind doing the work that I wasn’t enjoying nobody on the course liked me I then eventually quit the course without telling anyone and just went on the bus there and back for the rest of the year. Eventually it all came out and I got a job that summer at this point I was 18 and the first year was pretty okay my anxiety was down or at least I thought it was I passed my driving test and things were going well. I should add that at this time I was planning on following my dream of going into comedy but hasn’t taken any steps towards it yet and still haven’t. Around the time of my 20th birthday I began feeling like I didn’t want to actually go into comedy a dream I have had since I was 10 and this really upset me because I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel the passion or the drive for it. This lead to me having panic attacks at work and I then had to take some time off I did and came back feeling okay but that summer I had an embarrassing stomach incident and that then lead to me having even more panic attacks about feeling sick or anything like that. The panic attacks eventually got so bad I had to leave my job in 2018 after two years. I thought this would help because I didn’t really love that job and perhaps the stress of not going would help me recharge but instead it got worse my health anxiety and panic disorder went through the roof I was agoraphobic and would panic each time I left the house. I then started therapy and began improving by the winter I was going out more and feeling more confident but my health anxiety was and still is extremely high I then began developing ocd symptoms that have only worsened over the last couple of years I went to therapy on and off since I began in 2018 it helped but I was only ever allowed to have 8 sessions and obviously that was never enough time to solve anything. By the end of 2019 the therapy service that I had been using wasn’t really working for me anymore. And then shortly after my birthday in early 2020 my father became unwell and unfortunately passed away in March of 2020 a week before lockdown. My brother and I who are both the same age have been living in our family home ever since but unfortunately his girlfriend has been staying with us ever since lockdown began and I truly don’t get on with her my brother knows this and still nothing has changed. From a mental aspect i had never been worse throughout 2020 I was constantly afraid of getting Covid and feeling numb and unable to think about my father I still feel like I’ve not grieved at all. Then in early 2021 my brother got Covid as did partner thankfully they are both fine now but it was awful for me my wurst nightmare thankfully I never got the curtsy but you can imagine what that would be like for someone with health anxiety. Still throughout all this I had the ongoing stress of dealing with my mental health problems alongside loving with someone who I truly dislike so my stress levels have always been pretty high. I just feel like bad things will always happen to me I wish believe my actions cause bad things to happen for example watching certain TV shows. I just don’t know anymore

[Mumma_h in reply to Meyer_Gdmnx]

Don’t apologise for late reply 😄most of us are in different time zones ... or can’t for some reason reply , that’s always ok !!! So sorry to hear about your dad , that must be really hard, don’t put pressure on yourself, the grief might come out later and you’ll just want a cry , that’s perfectly normal , and it’s also an extremely hard thing to process I’m sure, all in your own time ❤️. You said you use to enjoy comedy , I looove to have a good laugh . Finding things to laugh at can REALLY help . YouTube some of your favourite comedians. As for your brothers girlfriend, could you try to get to know her more , or do something nice for her to bring yous closer together, I know that doesn’t seem fair if she’s a real pain but it could help YOU . I Havnt had health anxiety but I can imagine it’s awful !!! Could you look at it this way ? Anxiety is a health problem and by worrying so much it’s inadvertently causing an issue for you, which could cause sleeplessness or other problems, so please try not to stress too much . I really want to say please please please don’t worry about your health, but obviously it doesn’t work like that , if the doctors have given you the all clear on certain issues then try to trust that . I promise you watching certain tv shows won’t hurt you , but pick ones that uplift and make you feel good . A great funny movie night can do wonders, it does for me, now I understand the say ‘laughter is the best medicine ‘ !!!! With much compassion and hope your feeling much better soon 💕💕💕💕

[despowell]

Do you think you’ve mentally checked out to avoid anxiety or pain? I think sometimes our brains may get tired of the constant stress or constant fear and may just condition itself to not have any emotion to prevent those things from happening.

[Mumma_h in reply to despowell]

Great insight despowell , this didn’t occur to me . I think we can “checkout “ if our emotions are too painful or scared of rejection or being misunderstood

[Agora1]

Hi Meyer, I was scrolling through your posts as far back as 2 years ago trying to see if there was something in particular that caused your Health Anxiety. It's unreal in all the scares you've had with different illnesses and diseases. And yet, as soon as one worry leaves you, another way fills it's place. It doesn't surprise me that you feel nothing now. You are literally running on empty. You have no more fight left in you. Unfortunately, the people around you also lose interest. Not that they don't care but they too can only handle so

much of your suffering and worry until they tune out for their own sanity.

Your issues run deep and I truly believe that they can be resolved or at least accepted by you so that you can go forward with your life. Keep an open mind to therapy. It can put you on a different path allowing you to see where this has all come from. Give it time knowing that this didn't happen over night. Don't lose sight of the goal which is getting better and finding yourself again. Take care my friend. I care xx