I’m tired. Inside my soul. I messed up. Went against what is good for me. It feels like my heart is actually aching I don’t want to give the other side of hope the power but I am depressed and anxious and no matter what I do it feels not enough. I feel unworthy. Many problems to fix. Overwhelming. Dark. I can’t concentrate to do meaningful things.
The people around me trigger me right now even though they are my best support; it’s just how it appears to me right now. I try to reach out but can’t go deep to express very well and don’t want to worry people.
I have things to look forward to but now I feel like dying. It’s all relative; all the ways we choose to see things but then sometimes we have no choice. I get tired of trying so hard. Maybe I will just let myself be. Be depressed or be whatever. Maybe I care too much.
I wish I wouldn’t feel such a barrier between myself and everything that is good.
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Starrlight
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It's ok to sometimes allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. It's exhausting to fight this battle. Some days it feels hopeless.
It's ok to reach out to your friends, and it's ok for them to worry. It just means they care.
You aren't unworthy. It's your brain telling you to feel that way, and it will pass. You aren't fighting a losing battle. A tough one, but not a losing one.
Lots of truths there, thanks so much Amaigoch. I talked with a friend and she reminded me of the future good days.
How are you? Are the days getting better for you?
Starrlight you are your toughest critic. You are ok. There is no condemnation to you. You have a good heart, we all mess up and fall short of the glory of God. I bet you if someone chose to do a survey, there would be 1,000,000 people messing up every ten seconds. Stop, tell yourself it is alright, you will do it better with God’s help, forgive yourself, better than that give thanks to God for the experience. Tribulation worketh patience, and patience, experience and experience, hope.
I once heard it put like this. Each morning we receive new mercies. You know the scripture, but I heard it told a little different. If you need God’s mercy every hour, every minute, even every second he will give it to you.
Fight the inclination to punish yourself because you are not doing anyone a favor especially not the God who loves you inspite of and despite. When you feel like that scetch it out, remind yourself that it is just an experience, that God knew it was going to happen and how you would handle it and he wants to lead you into a place where you are ok with it so that if you need to do it differently you can and will.
God loves you Starrlight and it is not because you are perfect, it is because He (God) is perfect. 💕
I think it might work. Do you think that after thanking God for the experience, using this energy to sketch what you are feeling would help. You never know one day we could be googling famous artist and your name will pop up.
Starrlight, you have a fantastic command of words. I have been right where you are more than once, and less than 100 years ago for sure!
You said in your original post, "I try to reach out but can’t go deep to express very well and don’t want to worry people."
A. I think you did a fine job expressing youself in your post!
B. I think you're going to feel at least a little better because you DID get some of it out, and that sure beats holding that sadness and frustration in!
C. I don't think we need to freak out, because you are here and doing what you know to be good for you - getting it out in a place where people "get it"
D. I know I speak for a whole snit-load of people here when I say, "We do love and care for you. Your one of us, and you're better than just okay."
Keep talking about your feelings, and as Needhelp123 said, you really are your toughest critic. Try to think about what you'd say to your best friend if they felt like you do right now, and tell yourself THAT.
Hang in there pal. We are so much stronger when we stick together.
It is hard to believe sometimes that people care about and love me and I think it’s since I need to work on loving myself. I care about and love you all too!
As someone who has had several episodes of MDD, I can identify with so much of your post. Those are standard symptoms of depression, and the anxiety that accompanies it. The biggest "lie" of depression is that you think all these terrible feelings are real, when they are NOT. Depression is like wearing red-colored contact lenses, and then actually thinking the whole world is red.
I hope you are under medical treatment for your depression.
Another part of the "lie" is the sense that it's hopeless, and can never get better. Been there, done that, more than once! And when you do get better (and you WILL), you'll see how easy life really is to live after all. No more red contact lenses.
I struggle most days with that- trying to perceive a reality of the world and my life that is without depression and anxiety’s version. It’s hard to decipher which are lies. It makes it difficult to trust. I’ve been defeating anxiety and depression lately so this day pissed me off. I will let myself be and try again tomorrow.
Hi Starr sorry to hear your struggle, I'm struggling today myself. trying so hard to repress it that my stromach hurts survial mode keep telling myself everything is going to be fine,,,it has too, ive been PRAYing hard to keep it together, take care
There are crappy days that are just so . . . well . . . CRAPPY, that if I can, I just say "This day rots. I'm going to bed." I don't care if It's only 5:00pm. Day's OVER!Of course, I end up waking up early, but not without getting to sleep in a bunch. I often get so much done early in the day that next day that by mid-day I'm just sort of coasting through the rest.
Speaking of night time, for those in the US, don't forget to "spring ahead" 1 hour tonight. Coffee maker, microwave, kitchen clock, ha!
We all have to struggle with depression. I just hope that you're not trying to beat this all by yourself. That is a big mistake. Please get medical treatment if you're not already doing so. Depression is way too big for one person to handle.
Thanks Jkl5500 I am seeing a psychiatrist and therapist but I don’t know how well the meds are working, sometimes I want to go off of them but afraid that may be a bad idea. My therapist is alright.
The problem with a med is that you wait 6-8 weeks to see if it works . If it doesn't, you go through another 6-8 weeks of hell with the next one. I know the routine. It's a crapshoot, but it's the best they can do. Hang in there - you're on the right track.
I am there with my meds- I’m on my second ones and I don’t think they are the correct ones either and now will see if they change them again and wait and see in another 6-8 weeks if the dart hit the bullseye or we try again. It really does suck and what works for one person won’t necessarily work for next person. I wish there was a blood test or something else to be able to do better with getting on the right ones.
It’s basically for cognitive functioning, for better focus, energy, helps with stress and such also can help with anxiety and depression. Some are more motivated. I checked if it would interfere with other meds and I don’t think it will. I’ve been on it almost two weeks and I see some improvement, I have more indpiration to create things and can be in the present moment more easily it seems. It can affect different people differently. Some continue to notice differences even at month three, Some notice right away. Are you interested in trying it?
I am very much so- I am a believer in natural products that offer benefits. I take several other ones for allergies and for joint pain, and stomach health.
LOLOL I can RELATE! Psychiatry is a tough trade. First of all It's 30% science, 90% voodoo, and NO MATHMATICS! Secondly, it is so bard to convince someone that feeling better may not mean you no longer need meds, it just MAY be possible that the meds that were prescribed are ACTUALLY WORKING. {thud} lol
I pray for the poor doctors that choose to become p-docs. Sometimes I know it's like trying to heard cats.
I have (thankfully) gotten to the point where I don't agree to try a medication unless I am prepared to give a real, honest chance. I reached that conclusion many years ago, so, now if I say I tried a medication that didn't work, I have no doubts, because I, you know . . . actually took it, and took it all the time.
For me emotions are so up and down and so it’s hard to tell the whys... what to give the credit to...I forget what one med was like when another med is added and they get scrambled together. If that makes sense.
It sure does. That's why It's nice to have a councilor you like and can check in with every couple weeks. They may also encourage you to journal, but even if You're not successful at that, you can doodle 3 or 5 notes between visits to take along when you go again, and then you don't have to try to remember what did what all in your head. They write all that down and track it in your chart.
There is a test to help determine which medication would be a match with your body chemistry. Here’s the link. Not sure about cost or if insurance will cover it, but here it is:
I'm so sorry. Know that I am praying for you. Please try to rest in the fact that God is working it out. Take steps in the right direction. You can do this. You are worth a beautiful life.
Thank you so much Choosejoy! I am having fears that I think God may allow to happen and it’s terrifying but I am trying to let the negative energy go and trust.
You are absolutely right.God allows things to draw us closer to Him. His love is perfect and His strenghth is perfect in our weekness. Our weekness is anxiety. And with practice we can use His love to push is away. You are doing so good. I promise it will get better because we can trust His promises. 1Peter5:7 "cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you"
Oh Starrlight, this is an easy one. You know this story. Here's the rub:
Matthew 14:25-33 (NIV)
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
You're going to be okay Starr. You're just like the rest of us. 98% of the stuff we worry endlessly MIGHT happen, never does, and the 2% that DOES happen turns out okay in the end anyhow.
It seems like worrying is a complete waste of time. It doesn't actually PREVENT anything from happening either, so, as the saying goes, "If you're gonna pray, why worry, and if your GONNA WORRY, why pray?"
It has also been said that if you think about what worrying actually is, in reality it's just a very long prayer to MYSELF. If I pray to God instead, I also give Him permission to take care of what I can not.
Therapist says take a time in the day for worrying so that I don’t spend the whole day worrying. I would like to offer the troubles up to Him and trust that God will take care of what I can’t. I am praying for guidance. Thanks for being here Old-soul.
Hello Starrlight. I've noticed that when I don't feel well I go outside to get some sun and many times I feel better. Have your vitamin D levels checked. Try to go out in the sun 20 minutes a day (but go early or late so you won't get sunburned) and read or just sit there. If there's grass take your shoes and socks off and put your feet directly on the grass. Read about "grounding" or "earthing." I don't understand it too well but when my bare feet touch the grass or the sand I feel better. Also try going to church. Tell someone you know that goes to church to take you. Remember God loves you and we all here are in the same boat and we love you too. God bless you.
These are great ideas. I plan to get outside today. My son does the grounding/earthing in the grass. I can’t help thinking of what all is in the grass so haven’t done it much; maybe I can get over that, maybe I will go where there is sand as that seems safer haha! God bless you Lilly! Thank you, you brightened my day. Have a beautiful day.
There's a documentary on youtube, it's called The Grounded, it's about an hour and it's very interesting. Some people sell grounding mats. I tried one for about two weeks a few years ago but didn't notice any difference. Maybe I should have tried it for a longer period of time. But many people say the grounding mats have helped them.
I'm no authority on the subject, but I can say that sometimes things work well IF we are taking care in other ways too. Kinda how the right amount of jelly in relation to the amount of peanut butter in the sandwich makes it better than just peanut butter alone.
Well, yes and no. My analogy was kind of poor actually. I guess what I'm saying is that it can sometimes be like a chemistry project. If you need 4 different things to make the project do what It's supposed to do, any combination of three will appear to give the impression those 3 chemicals are not what is needed, when in fact they are chemicals that will work, there's just another part missing.
So, I was thinking that maybe the grounding practices MIGHT provide a huge and recognizable benifit, *IF* some other (perhaps unknown) aspect is also in place, or as you suggested, maybe just in balance if it IS already in place.
Grounding really IS about balancing energy. Lightning strikes the earth hundreds of times every minute. The air moving over the surface of land and water creates house stores of static electricity, and when that happens, a sprite jumps up, and lightning comes as what is called a "return stroke."
When you stop and think about it, how often do we actually allow our skin to touch the earth's crust directly? Or shoes have rubber soles. Dirt is yucky, but vegetables are good. lol
Positively charged energy is actually very bad for our health. It is NEGATIVE ions that bring us back into balance. That's why many who install or use portable negative ion generators in their homes very often have rapid improvements not only in attitude and outlook, but very often persistent health problems take a fast 180° turn for the better too.
Grounding is a very easy way to get many of those same benifits. Even if you are on concrete, or big rocks, whatever, it is far better than being always separated from the earth by layers of wood, carpet, plastic and rubber.
The thing is though, if a person is in full blown renal failure, or is lacking important vitamins and minerals, or is ALWAYS more or less severely dehydrated because the don't drink nearly enough water, or drunk or high on a lot of drugs around the clock, whatever the imbalance, a walk barefoot in the grass may not make a significant enough difference to really notice. It could be something drastic, or it could be as sime as an allergy to, for instance, the fragrance in a certain laundry detergent or dryer sheet, or some type of food additive lime Aspertime.
It can take a good while to sort it, because there are a lot of variables. Conversations like this often help to target potential problem areas though.
In any case, I don't think a barefooted walk in the park on a warm day is going to cause anyone irreparable harm.
I love your thinking. So interesting. Yes! Some days I think I know what the components that made up a joyful or peaceful feeling is one day and then maybe something comes in to tamper with that that I am not aware of because next time you have all the same pieces but now they don’t fit together properly or so it seems. I don’t know but there is much involved. Like you say so many variables.
I know someone who says he thinks God does not interact with us and just watches what happens with us after a His creating. I think He might (even though there is a plan) intervene for us sometimes. Its very mysterious. And sometimes it’s hard for me to know what to believe. But I brlieve He would want us to keep trying to get it right so we will be happy and help others too. Some think that our suffering and sicknesses are cleansing, so at times I think I guess We would be in a purgatory or being dipped in hell on earth so I can be cleansed to get to a good place after this life. Sometimes I am in such agony that I think I’m going to hell. But I try to think of Him as forgiving and loving, still it’s hard for me.
About the first part. You would have to agree that the human body is no doubt an incredible self-righting machine, unless you have not been paying attention. lol
Here are a couple illustrations. A. Your heart beats automaticly without even having to think about it, as do your lungs keep you supplied with oxygen, even when you are unconscious. (Sleeping) B. No-one needs to teach you to blink if something is coming at your eye, and you don't ever need to think about it. You can CHOOSE to open or close your eyes, but if something is coming right at your eye unexpectedly, your eye just KNOWS how to protect itself and doesn't even ask your permission. C. If you get a scrape or a cut, your body just FIXES IT.
That's pretty wild stuff! In much the same way, we also have INTUITION! When we have a TON of stuff out of balance, that can be really hard to sort out, and sometimes the help of a doctor who can run some tests can help to get some quick answers.
But did you know that, for example, it has been proven over and over again that when we crave certain foods, we are actually deficient in the SPECIFIC nutrients those foods have? It's true. One example is vitamin k. A very common one, believe it or not, is when a patent tells a doctor they have been craving foods they actually HATE, like collard greens, spinach, or brussel sprouts.
The reason it's one of the most common examples is the fact that lots of people, including adults, really dislike these foods, combined with the fact that there are very FEW foods that contain vitamin K, and the foods mentioned are some of the biggest providers of vitamin K.
It has been proven time and again that when a person has this particular craving, bloodwork will confirm a K deficiency virtually every single time, and most people don't even know what vitamin K is. Yet our bodies tell us, "Eat your spinach, NOW!" And we just, do it. How does that happen?
Getting in balance can be easier if we:
1.) Cut out tons of distracting, no-thought sensory overload, like tons of tv, going from one thing to the next to the next to the next, never taking time to just plain MEDITATE.
2.) Simplify our diets. By simplify I mean, cut down on chemicals and over-processed foods. Inexpensive overpowering scents like those found in laundry detergents, and particularly in cheap DRYER SHEETS. Cheap, low quality cosmetics. Unwashed foods that have been treated with insecticides. Stuff like that. I mention stuff like dryer sheets, or carpet powder stuff because if you can smell it real strong, those strong chemicals are going into you body the whole time you are near them, so you ARE consuming them!
3.) Take care of the basics like, get proper sleep instead of always pushing until exhausted. Drink enough plain old water. Get at least some sunshine every day you can. Get some mild exercise at a minimum. Eat a BALANCED diet. (No "grapefruit only" crazy stuff.)
This is not to say that you can't use you favorite dryer sheets that smell awesome ever again, but if we strip all the non-essentials all at once, we very often notice a big difference. In some cases it is not so sudden, because whatever was thowing us off may take a week or two to clear out, and that's a pretty gradual change, so not as easy to notice.
However, when we can pick and choose things to try adding back in one at a time, THAT is when we may notice a DRASTIC change. If we discover adding, say, Aspertime back in (instead of minimally processed white sugar in reasonable portions, which is now being pushed as BAD by chemical companies that sell all the cheap chemical food substitutes), and we start craving tons of drinks loaded with Aspertime again while our apitites go wild, well . . . it may be better to stick with real sugar instead of the chemical substitute that has been proven to really mess some people up.
It's actually a simple process of elimination, but again, it's not usually easy to sort unless you START by eliminating many well know problem items, and THEN start trying things one at a time once a good base-line has been established.
Stressors that are just not necessary need to take a back seat for a bit too. If our schedules are so full we never have time to rest, it is seriously time to do some prioritizing and get rid of the bottom 30-50% of the "extras." Extras are anything that is not related to keeping oneself alive, such as working (a REASONABLE number of hours, not 70), eat, sleep, and self care like cooking, cleaning, laundry & bathing.
Where entertainment is concerned, going back to the simpler things is SMART for a bit. Instead of clicking on the tv to be beaten half to death by commercials and crime scenes for 5 straight hours, why not read a book, draw, or make a simple bird house and paint it? Write your spouse/sweetheart a love letter about the first time you saw them, or a moment that you saw them do something and it just melted your heart. Look through pictures you haven't looked at in years. Go to a museum, and leave your phone in the car. Take a drive through the neigborhood where you lived 25 years ago.
Once you have a good, simple baseline, you will likely begin to feel less stressed, and also better physically. If you do this, it is very likely that 3/4 of the junk you were all cluttered up with simply will not be missed, and you'll wonder why you wasted so much time or good health on that stuff, be it the fast-food, the 77 hours of yoga and palates EVERY WEEK, or the 93 gazillion community projects you had all at the same time.
There will be some things you genuinely miss. Maybe one thing is one tv show in particular. Another might be a particular bible study that's only 2-1/2 hours once a week, or 2nd and 4th week. Maybe you try that favorite dryer sheet and is doesn't bother you, so you decide that's okay. (If it's not, you will have a REAL "Ah ha" moment. TRUST ME!)
200 years is NOT that long where human history goes, and boy oh boy we have certainly brainwashed ourselves into thinking a lot of absolutely un-necessary garbage are NEEDS. Well, the more things we get tricked into thinking of as needs, the less we will EVER feel satisfied or happy, because we will NEVER seem to think our needs are met.
Yeah, lol. It's crazy when we want to reply to one specific post, and the thread takes on a life of It's own. {blush} Sorry. 😁
{edit to add}
I'm glad you appriciated it. I know everyone wants instant gratification 15 second sound bytes these days, but what we want and what we need are not always one in the same. lol
Yes, Old Soul, I agree with you, I think there are other variables that have to be looked at as well, like vitamins, what you eat, exercise, etc., etc. etc. Grounding is just one thing that can help out, but in conjunction with others. There is not a magic bullet! But little by little we can implement new things that will help and we'll notice positive changes. There is always hope!
I’m right there with you, as I’ve been feeling the same way for weeks now. In some ways it’s good to know you’re not alone. It’s also good to see all the support that is out there.
I wish I had some good advice for you or tell you something that could make you feel better, but I don’t. What I can say is keep the hope. The hope that life will get better, one day at a time. And know there are people who care.
You have not fallen short of the glory of God. You have a biogiologically based brain disease. Forgive yourself- there is no failure or failed relationship unless we do not learn from it. It may take much education and plan change to do this
Yes forgiveness is important to be able to move past and forward. Thanks Kltnala. True every failure can be learning opportunities if we allow them to be.
Thanks Vonnah. It comes and goes. I wonder how many people are happy as opposed to those who aren’t. I feel like sometimes it takes a lot of work to be happy and other times it falls upon us out of seemingly nowhere.
Great! It's easy to relate to. So i hope you can and i hope you like it. The catchy beat makes me feel better lol😜😘❤😄
It's true. The song symbolizes mental illness. Since mental illness is invisible, we'll never know whose all "fake happy". People just wear masks and hold things in. I truly believe "everyone is going through something". So your not alone😘❤💜
Yup I love how free she is being her fake happy self in that out there outfit and all in the crowds with the happy faces on. Yeah it’s upbeat, made me feel better. Thanks, friend!
I understand. I've been where you are. At that time I was on the maximum dosage of Zoloft allowed. It helped me survive. I've been off it for years now. I still have depression, but it's mild, and I can manage it on my own. I take St. John's wort and nature walks (when I can). I also do qigong with the help of YouTube and a DVD (I love it). I'm learning meditation to help me with anxiety. If you haven't gotten professional help yet, try to do it soon. You'll feel better. Therapy is helpful. When I hit rock bottom, I was going to therapy. Now this group is my therapy, and I'm happy to have found everyone here.
Thing is I’ve been in therapy since I was 15, meds since 15 ...I am 41. I’m tired. I have been progressing but have slipped back a bit but I am planning on moving forward, practicing positivity and not giving the anxiety power and releasing the negative energy.
I don’t really know if my meds are working. I feel like they take away some emotions it’s hard to cry when I need to and I feel flat may be the word for it...Not sure if I want to take them. I just started taking a supplement called Qualia.
I love nature walks too and love meditating! Qigong I will have to look up.
Your welcome. If you're checking out qigong on YouTube, you might want to start with the one called: Qigong for Beginners: What is Qigong?. The instructor is great at explaining what qigong is and does a demonstration which I like to follow. Qigong is related to tai chi which I also do. I think I'll look up Qualia.
Wow. I really have never felt more like someone knew what I am going through. I won't go through point by point how much I relate to this post. But I too feel like I am holding myself back from happiness.
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