HELP

[teen_anxiety]

I think it is time I share my story about my history of friendships and why I struggle when it comes to gaining, keeping, and even losing friends. I was a very outgoing child I would chat with anyone and had a million friends and lots of people knew me. (my mom says she would come to things in my elementary school and everyone would say hi to me.) As I got older though things started to change cliches became a thing and I was no longer in the in-crowd, I was still well known but not popular. Then came the real trouble in my 8th-grade year I meet and became friends with this girl from my school. In the beginning, I did not think anything of it but after a while, I realized that she was toxic drama. we ended the friendship and I told myself I did not want to go through something like that again but only a year later I agreed to make this one girl feel welcome and comfortable at a camp I went to over the summer. As nice as this seems it became a problem for me when I became her friend. That was the summer before high school and when I went back to high school I realized that she went to the same before-school church group as me. the friendship became tighter then. That was before she started to try and pull me down with her and once again I was in a toxic friendship and I no longer trusted people the same. I tried to move on in a mature way but since this one was more toxic than the last It was not as mature as I wished. I thought I was fine for a couple of years but now looking back I realized I have been in some toxic friendships but the kind you do not realize until after. I was in a friend group with people that would hang out but never invite me and then talk to each other while I just was there and the other girl would complain to me later about feeling left out even though he sat on her phone leaving me to pretend like I was involved in my friends' conversation. Then over quarantine, I lost a majority of my friends because I was unable to keep in touch thanks to my phone breaking. I was fine though and used that time to heal and fix myself. because of this, I gained 2 close guy friends and thought I would define but no I had to meet someone when sports finally started back up again. I thought she was fine when I first meet her but the more we hung out I realized I had done it again, problem is I do not know how to get myself out before its really too late (you would think I'd learn how but no I let myself care too much to just walk away) the other thing is not only do I care too much but I am scared of what might happen If I do. I know she will not let me out easy and it will end up being a whole big deal so now I am stuck in this lie of mine trying to pretend I still want to be here.

Ok but that was just the background here's what I was leading up to, (btw I am writing this in class) A staff member came into my class and asked for me so instantly I start light panicking wondering what he needs me for. As soon as I got out there he asked if I knew this girl (the "friend" from swim) when I said yes he told me that she has been having a bad day and that she has been asking to talk to me. CUE PANIC. the staff guy was very nice when I explained that I did not want to get involved in the drama but wanted to help because I had an idea of what it was about and how hard it can be to go thru what she has been lately. He asked me to explain a bit but then said he would just say I was taking a test and could not be taken out of class. but for the rest of the period and school I was having a panic attack worrying about whether she would try to find me after school and if so what would happen if she did.

[EndUser13]

Wow, that staff member really put you on the spot! I'd be feeling anxious too.

I hope you are able to make a clean break from this toxic person without letting them guilt trip you. It's not a bad thing to be caring for others, don't let anyone get you down for giving a damn

[FriendlyDude]

Your life is in your hands. Only you can know if being friends with this person will be detrimental to your life and only you can decide whether or not you remain friends with her. It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind, but you’re having a hard time doing what you feel is right for you. This is definitely a complex situation. It’s tough to balance being a good friend and making sure to take care of yourself. Not only are you considering your needs, but you have her needs in consideration too. That’s what makes this tough, it affects more than just you.

It sounds like you want out, so I’ll speak my mind concerning that. Really you need to ask yourself if you want to remain in this “toxic friendship” and just deal with it, or if it would be better for you to end it and deal with the aftermath. The way I see it, to remain friends would make this toxic stuff you’re talking about more of a long term thing, but any after effects of “getting out” would be temporary and you would in time be free of whatever issues you’re having. That might seem like an oversimplification of the situation by putting it in terms of negative long term vs negative short term, but it does make a convincing point. If it hurts you to be friends with her, that’s not fair to you. Especially if you’re having panic attacks.

If you’re going to end it, I would suggest at least explaining yourself to this person. You said you care, so telling her can at least provide you with some closure and she can understand your feelings. Good friends are respectful of the other’s wishes. I lost a friend somewhat recently. I wanted to still be friends, but unfortunately the desire wasn’t mutual. As a good friend, I was respectful of their decision and let ‘em go. If you have to let this friend go, I hope she will respect your wishes and go quietly.

This is a tough thing, be careful in your decision. I don’t know if things have changed from when I’m replying and when you posted this, but I hope things turn out okay

[kvolm2016]

If you are already recognizing that there is a history/pattern of finding yourself in high drama, highly toxic friendships, it might be time to try to get to the root of what is drawing you into those. Since you are still in school you might start by making an appointment with your school counselor to ask for a referral to a therapist. Since you also mention church in your background, you might also talk with a Pastor or someone in the church leadership to get a recommendation for a therapist. We all have components of our life that we don't deal with well and we need someone who is qualified to help teach and guide us in how to correct that component.

[Hidden]

People that are toxic will be not good for ones mental health. And most like will bring you down. Just say you are busy. I can’t hang out I have to do sowmthing. These people will flew to the next person. Good thing you are starting to see toxic relationships as no longer serving at such a young person