I’m back again. I need support.

[Ubud2021]

I don’t know if there is anyone on here who remembers me, or my story. Here is a little rundown.

I’m 28 years old. I have major depression, GA, panic disorder and ptsd. I was triggered last year from years of constant sexual abuse as a child, teen, and adult. And a drugged gang rape that happened in a college dorm. I was very angry, bitter, lost... My family kept putting me down. Belittling me everyday. At this moment in time, I had to stay with my family because my mom (and grandma who owns the house I live in) gave up my apartment to my moms wife. I had no where else to go but live back at home with my mom, grandma, and older brother. Then I lost every single person in my family. No one wanted anything to do with me. I was alone. Jobless. No money for daily hygiene, toilet paper... etc.

Things got better. I got help and bettered me the best you can in a year. But now, today, it took a big turn. my grandma and mom are trying to control what my opinions are, what I think, because my grandma opened a cell phone account for me. She says because of that, I have to do everything she says. I can only be a perfect lady, and if I have my own opinions, I don’t respect her and that I am ungrateful.

Now, anyone who has been through sexual abuse, rape, or maybe even any trauma, it takes a while to learn that you can only control yourself. You can’t control other people. I’ve spent the past year learning that. And for my grandma and mother to say to me they can control me however they want? No, obviously it doesn’t slide with me. I will not say okay and be perfect how they want me to be. They don’t own me. I am a 28 year old woman. Yes, they help me financially, and that’s all the help I have. So because they help me financially, they think They have the right to control what comes out of my mouth, what my opinions are.

Everything is always chalked up to my anger. Because you are angry when people violate you most of your life. They never think about their own actions and fear. It’s always my anger. But they don’t recognize I am my own person. I don’t need to feel like I am still being controlled. I am trying to be free. Live my life for me. Be my own person.

I lost my family, had to prove to them that I bettered myself and got them back. But now, I’m ungrateful. I’m fucking lazy. I’m “bad”. I’m a bad person.

But I will not be shamed into becoming my own person. I told them, if they feel they can control my thoughts just because she opened my phone line, then I don’t want a phone. And she says she can control me in so many ways. “In more ways than I know”...

[Ubud2021]

Hello!! Thank you so much 😊

[Hidden]

It is hard to feel like other family members are controlling you. My dad is that way with me. He has all the money and power and I have none. Just try to get some kind of career going for yourself so you eventually won't need their money. I know it isn't easy. Resentment builds up. I wish you the best.💖

[Ubud2021 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the kind words. I actually cannot work atm. But I pay my grandmother her rent every month. She promised me she wouldn’t use me living here as threat before I signed the lease. But. She’s threatening to do a lot. So. Idk. Time will tell I guess.

[Kaydwg]

I’m sorry you are going through this with your family. You have been through so much unimaginable pain and you are trying to process that trauma. It takes time and work. And sometimes it means taking distance from your family if they are not willing to treat you with respect and honor your boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is really hard for a lot of people, but it can be even harder for people with a history of abuse and trauma.

Your boundaries were violated so much with the abuse you encountered. It might be hard to recognize that you have control to decide what behavior you are willing to accept from other people. You can not change their behavior but you can control how you react to it.

My family went through some group therapy which helped, but my mother is just not able to get it. So I limit my interactions with her because she has not been able to appropriately respond to me or my sisters boundaries. Although she does understand that she can’t control me with money anymore.

Are you working with a therapist?

[Ubud2021 in reply to Kaydwg]

Thanks for your kind words. It is extremely hard. But I am doing it. Just they don’t want me to think my own way, only their way. I did nothing disrespectful to them. But they think that I have my own mind, I am disrespectful and trying to pester them. Which, this year I have done so much work with boundary setting and to worry about what I can control. I am working with a therapist. My appt is tomorrow and this happened Sunday, and I suffer from suicidal ideation and was in a very dark spot. I’m sorry things with your mother aren’t the best, but good for you for staying true to your boundaries.

[Kaydwg in reply to Ubud2021]

It’s great that you are working on these things and aware. You’ve worked so hard! Be gentle with yourself. You deserve happiness.

[froggymom88]

First let me say, good for you ,for the progress you have made this past year. That is no easy feat. They can't control you unless you let them and they know it. You are in control of yourself, so you don't have to get angry with them. Just speak the truth as you did about the phone and continue to make good choices for yourself. It seems to me they know they are losing control and are trying old tricks to make you succumb. Love yourself for the progress you have made and continue your journey forward. I will be praying for you. Hugs.

[Ubud2021 in reply to froggymom88]

Oh goodness froggymom, thank you. Thank you for helping me realize I have come so far. And maybe they are doing it out of fear. You are right. And just because I’m my mothers daughter, (or grandmas grandchild) that doesn’t mean they control my life. Thank you. 🤍 have a beautiful day.