I don’t know if there is anyone on here who remembers me, or my story. Here is a little rundown.
I’m 28 years old. I have major depression, GA, panic disorder and ptsd. I was triggered last year from years of constant sexual abuse as a child, teen, and adult. And a drugged gang rape that happened in a college dorm. I was very angry, bitter, lost... My family kept putting me down. Belittling me everyday. At this moment in time, I had to stay with my family because my mom (and grandma who owns the house I live in) gave up my apartment to my moms wife. I had no where else to go but live back at home with my mom, grandma, and older brother. Then I lost every single person in my family. No one wanted anything to do with me. I was alone. Jobless. No money for daily hygiene, toilet paper... etc.
Things got better. I got help and bettered me the best you can in a year. But now, today, it took a big turn. my grandma and mom are trying to control what my opinions are, what I think, because my grandma opened a cell phone account for me. She says because of that, I have to do everything she says. I can only be a perfect lady, and if I have my own opinions, I don’t respect her and that I am ungrateful.
Now, anyone who has been through sexual abuse, rape, or maybe even any trauma, it takes a while to learn that you can only control yourself. You can’t control other people. I’ve spent the past year learning that. And for my grandma and mother to say to me they can control me however they want? No, obviously it doesn’t slide with me. I will not say okay and be perfect how they want me to be. They don’t own me. I am a 28 year old woman. Yes, they help me financially, and that’s all the help I have. So because they help me financially, they think They have the right to control what comes out of my mouth, what my opinions are.
Everything is always chalked up to my anger. Because you are angry when people violate you most of your life. They never think about their own actions and fear. It’s always my anger. But they don’t recognize I am my own person. I don’t need to feel like I am still being controlled. I am trying to be free. Live my life for me. Be my own person.
I lost my family, had to prove to them that I bettered myself and got them back. But now, I’m ungrateful. I’m fucking lazy. I’m “bad”. I’m a bad person.
But I will not be shamed into becoming my own person. I told them, if they feel they can control my thoughts just because she opened my phone line, then I don’t want a phone. And she says she can control me in so many ways. “In more ways than I know”...