So never really written on one of these but here it goes. I've had a rough go with men in my life I guess you can say, dad left when I was born, my future relationships were disaster after disaster and I'm not talking about a little heart ache. My first serious bf when I was 18 till 22 cheated on me and lied I found out he was cheating up north through his texts. He was also on dating sites and I found his profile hit me like a knife.....my next relationship ended up being my husband who I've divorced... we got pregnant unintentionally and I didn't realize who he actually was thought my son needed a dad because I didn't want him to grow up like me.... long story short he ended up being a drug addict, who was mentally and physically abusive I stayed for 6 years we had 2 sons and I finally broke when he returned from rehab where he had an affair with another recovering addict and when I confronted him he beat me in front of our 18 month old son. I had to go bankrupt lost everything I had worked for and had no choice but to find a loving home for our 2 dogs as a newly single mom I foreclosed and lost my home and moved myself and 2 boys to a condo. I was strong and had to be I was a nurse and sometimes didn't even sleep in between 12 hour night shifts due to day care. But I was proud I could do it. About a year went by and I met a man through my best friend who I fell in love with. He made me laugh and smile and thought the world of me I felt special and loved for really the first time in my life by a man like legit! The problem was he lived in another province, I made a huge decision to move and I found a home there and got my boys daycare and school and found a great job in the hospital. We eventually ended up moving in together and now currently have a daughter who is 21 months old. The problem is we have huge communication issues and don't always see eye to eye on things .... sounds normal right ! However the issue is for well years now I've had debilitating anxiety around him and trust issues. Today was my rock bottom as we have been seeing a counselor and man he might be actually completely real, however I spend my days looking for proof that he's cheating or has cheated I constantly think when he's on his phone he is talking to another girl or a friend or looking for a house so he can move. The ideas are endless ... I'm not saying there wasn't any contributing factors but I'm so upset and scared that maybe I'm just crazy. I'm no longer nursing covid hit after we had our baby and I've been in the house with the kids ever since..... so u feel like I'm just not good enough at anything. He is very blunt and says things as he thinks them ...which is a disaster with how sensitive Nd emotionally fragile I am even more so lately. So I've concluded that he doesn't love me and he acts In these ways because - there's gotta be someone else..... he hasn't asked me to marry him its been 8 years, and I also feel like well I'm just not good enough, not good enough to marry , love or care about so....... ugh there's something going on and I need to find it before it jumps out of no where and knocks me down like before because I don't think I could EVER get over another big blow I've got no more fight in me.
The problem is , today I realized that he might actually be the only man to ever truly love me and ironically I do t belive him, trust him or feel loved. So now I think I am very well the definition of crazy.... and I honestly don't know how to overcome this.... I feel like I'm too broken and insecure lost and dam well depressed to fix any of it. I love him, and I desperately want to feel loved but this gut wrenching terrifying feeling won't F off!! I can't help but think there's something I don't know or he's hiding something terrible but ..... its all in my head what the he'll can I do? I just want to be happy thats all I want for my whole family and I feel like ill never get there its absolutely pathetic and I hate myself right now !!!
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Findingmyway2020
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I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. I also have had a few difficult relationships.
It’s hard when you are in a relationship not to have the past affect you.
I try to stay focus in my current relationship . When past trauma gets triggers ( phone was a big trigger for me) I work on been mindful and not let it steal my peace. I have done a lot of therapy to heal from my past relationships. I’m in two 12 step programs Alaon and COSA Working the steps has also help me on my journey of healing. Healing from past trauma takes time.
I stay focus on been mindful and grateful for was I have today. I sound like you have a good life and it’s the past trauma that is getting trigger.
What are these programs u mentioned.... yes the phone is a MASSIVE trigger. I don't know how many countless hours I've spent trying to find things on the internet he's done that prove my feelings right....always come up empty feeling like shit because I feel like a phycho! Lol not really funny but yes it is almost unbearable
The COSA group may be helpful it’s a group for women that that has been cheating on. There are online meetings that you can attend. If you google COSA you should find the link. I know the feeling of looking for evidence and been hyper Viglante. You mention you have been together for 8 yrs have you always been this way with him or is it recent? I also understand the self worth issues that happens when you get cheated on.
Your feelings are normalabd your past is predicting your future. You know and feel like he loves you. You just wont let your guard down. Don't worry about the future concentrate on today. Right now wuth covid we all are really up there. I'm a nurse i suffer from generalized anxiety. Seem's your waiting for the other shoe to drop like the past. No its not in your head! Your past relationships made you who you are. You seem wonderful and a great mom. He probably has past issues too that's why he hasn't asked to marry him. Or he think's your past you might be afraid to get married. Talk to him never hide anything. Stop looking for clues he's cheating or leaving. If he cheating you will see the signs. Woman know this. But also being insecure and worried won't help your relationship. You sound like you love him dearly. Put your thoughts in that and the family you share. Look how far you came from your past. Alot of typos sorry. I hoped this helped. Someone told me a long time ago " No one can make me happy but me. He will see that it add's to the woman you are. God bless well wishes.
Your struggles have been painful and your feels so intense you have cause to be negative. I know I've been there. You do sound exhausted. Being a full time mother and giving to your kids also takes a toll. At some point you do need time to rest and consider yourself so coming here is the right thing to do. I want and hope you will not be so hard on yourself. I think time to calm your thoughts is the way to go. Therapies like Cognitive and Dialectic Behavior Therapy will help. It's the treatment of therapy that manages your depression and anxiety by changing your way of thinking of things. Though honestly you should consider seeing a clinical psychiatrist for medication treatment as well. I did both.
I want you to know you are not alone. Winston Churchill said "if you are going through hell keep going". You will make it out the other side. I've gone through this and know you will too. Feel free to chat me up anytime. Others have done the same for me here on this site and so I am offering you the same. You also have the option of others that will step up too.
What a pretty rough life. Sorry u had to go thru all of that, it not cool at all. Unfortunately the first mistake happened when you were just a baby. Girls are supposed to get love from their dad's. This is where we learn what love is, how we should be loved by any other man. If it is missing, no one can replace it. Sorry u lost that first love. Ur first bf, obviously u couldn't have known what love was, u had to make up love in ur mind and u accepted anything that came along believing it is love. Then a husband walked in and showed u hatred. How can u trust? Where would u learn how trust looks like? What u are feeling is more than justified. Who wants to face extruciating pain twice? Never met one. Ur fears are spot on but are they true? That the biggest question now. When u look at ur partner right now, all those thoughts and feelings are back like a ton of bricks. I also have insecurities but differently and when they hit, they hit hard and I want to give up but it is important to realize the damage the past traumas caused in one so that one's thoughts can be controlled. U need to see a therapist who can help u with those feelings bcz they will ruin u. That will take years to get rid off and u can't do it on ur own, that's the fact. We as human need to identify things that we can not do on our own and find help to solve em before they get out of hand. We have ur back here
Thats the problem though it wasn't a hard life I've had huge hurdles but I don't think its an excuse for me to be like this now. I don't know what to do, but I feel like if he's as honest as he says and I'm stirring the pot in my head what other word is there but nuts .... like who does that ? ! I'm more angry at myself than anything and embarrassed... but at the same time I still wonder but maybe I'm right....... that's messed up.
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