i've been feeling numb since my uncle died 2 wks ago... which i thought might be an upgrade from the awful pain of grieving loss of my step dad 4 wks ago.
i got a call from an old friend early yesterday morn. it definitely awoke some old feelings... of grief; of loss. i lost a good friend a yr or 2 ago... that was mostly on me, i think; wasn't in a good place.
maybe i didn't realize how strongly i was effected by that call... i said something to a newer friend - voiced my concern for their health. something i probably could have said better; and something i shouldn't have said at all. in hind sight - i wasn't just not thinking clearly... wasn't thinking at all.
this morning grief over my step dad hit me full-force again. was really missing him. found myself surprisingly full of tears again.
then i saw a message from newer friend - first one, appreciated my concern for them... then a 2nd said i insulted them. which i promptly apologized for. but that was too little too late... i read a 3rd and 4th, and discovered that friendship was already declared 'over'.
i guess that was the "3rd strike"; or 3rd hit in the gut... my negative voice got center stage... in addition to grieving my old friend, my step dad, add on grief of losing a newer friend. lots of reasons to beat up on myself... feeling more alone, sad, rejected... kicking myself for having an unfiltered big mouth. feeling both sad and angry, that i wasn't thought highly enough of, to be given a chance to explain or defend myself - or that maybe i'm in a bad place and simply not saying things well. feeling stupid for allowing myself to care about someone else... and wondering why i can't ever seem to say or get something right the first time.
bla bla bla. whoa is me... i've been fuming about my insensitive spit brother - complaining bout his life; and now i sound just like him. maybe i'm a hypocrite - and i HATE hypocrites! i'm SOOO sick and fracking tired of BEING me; of being here! i don't want to be here; have no idea why i continue to try to stick around or try to improve myself... am i even succeeding in ANY way??? what's the point? this latest blunder, just another failure... dunno why i'm upset - i deserve this - right?
i know i need to kick that negative voice in the butt. just don't have the energy or desire just now.
don't even know why i'm posting this. is this really supposed to help? or am i just a 1-man band at my own pity party?
disclaimer - any questions are rhetorical. i really don't expect any answers!