i've been feeling numb since my uncle died 2 wks ago... which i thought might be an upgrade from the awful pain of grieving loss of my step dad 4 wks ago.
i got a call from an old friend early yesterday morn. it definitely awoke some old feelings... of grief; of loss. i lost a good friend a yr or 2 ago... that was mostly on me, i think; wasn't in a good place.
maybe i didn't realize how strongly i was effected by that call... i said something to a newer friend - voiced my concern for their health. something i probably could have said better; and something i shouldn't have said at all. in hind sight - i wasn't just not thinking clearly... wasn't thinking at all.
this morning grief over my step dad hit me full-force again. was really missing him. found myself surprisingly full of tears again.
then i saw a message from newer friend - first one, appreciated my concern for them... then a 2nd said i insulted them. which i promptly apologized for. but that was too little too late... i read a 3rd and 4th, and discovered that friendship was already declared 'over'.
i guess that was the "3rd strike"; or 3rd hit in the gut... my negative voice got center stage... in addition to grieving my old friend, my step dad, add on grief of losing a newer friend. lots of reasons to beat up on myself... feeling more alone, sad, rejected... kicking myself for having an unfiltered big mouth. feeling both sad and angry, that i wasn't thought highly enough of, to be given a chance to explain or defend myself - or that maybe i'm in a bad place and simply not saying things well. feeling stupid for allowing myself to care about someone else... and wondering why i can't ever seem to say or get something right the first time.
bla bla bla. whoa is me... i've been fuming about my insensitive spit brother - complaining bout his life; and now i sound just like him. maybe i'm a hypocrite - and i HATE hypocrites! i'm SOOO sick and fracking tired of BEING me; of being here! i don't want to be here; have no idea why i continue to try to stick around or try to improve myself... am i even succeeding in ANY way??? what's the point? this latest blunder, just another failure... dunno why i'm upset - i deserve this - right?
i know i need to kick that negative voice in the butt. just don't have the energy or desire just now.
don't even know why i'm posting this. is this really supposed to help? or am i just a 1-man band at my own pity party?
disclaimer - any questions are rhetorical. i really don't expect any answers!
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13ga
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Sorry for you loss. Still recovering from my dad passing away 2 months ago, it has stirred up memories of my mum who passes four years ago. It comes in waves feel okay for a few days but then it comes again. On top of my low mood and anxiety it can be overwhelming. It is important not to bottle it up, express your feelings. I have been having counselling and it has helped.
i'm sorry to hear of both your losses... i've now lost 'both' my dad's (real and step) and have just 2 mom's left.
i def. understand overwhelming... i live there.
i also understand more keenly than ever before - fear and anxiety. statistically speaking - there's a high probability i'll lose my mom in the next 6-12 months. this would leave me with only my step-mom, whom i've barely spoken to and not seen at all in well over a year.
i'm having counseling too, and turned to this site, and some group therapy alternatives. but i now find myself questioning whether any of it is doing me any good.
i seem to be repeating the same mistakes; and questioning whether i've grown at all.
i appreciate your reply; at least i can try to take solace in the idea i'm not alone in at least my suffering...
This place has been a real help. There are still many dark days when I wonder if I will ever feel better, feel like life is worthwhile or not feel like a failure. At the moment it is about trying to get through each day. If I look back and look forward it brings back so many regrets and increases my anxiety. I am still at the stage of working out how my mind works and how I can cope with the low moods and anxiety. It's so hard. I tire myself out going around in circles. You have nothing to apologise for. Take care of yourself
i sooo hear ya... what you do - i'm ALL over that!
right now - as tired as i was of feeling numb - i just want to get back there! which i know is not healthy... but ironically (you've no idea) i just caught site of a related article which explain this so eloquently, and so perfectly... i'm now wondering if i was meant to piss off my friend, so i would post, so would find that article.....
i surely hope NOT. the 1 article hardly replaces any friend. and the irony is just a white hot knife to my gut - reminder of my faults.
but i DO have plenty to apologize for. it's no ones fault but my own that i caused the "un-friending". and it seems clear there's no coming back. that's all on me. aint enough "sorry's" to fix that. and frankly - it's probably the best thing for my [previous] friend - likely only a matter of time before i hurt them again...
i do thank you for sharing - it's nice to know i'm not the only one that does what you do... we both need to break the darn circle, and get the frack out of our heads!
I'm sorry your in this situation. A man needs his mother too. Your mom would want everyone who loves and cares about you to be in your life too. She wants to be in your life too yet is concerned about the added responsibility of your helping to care for her because financial pressure can be alot of stress and shes concerned about her limitations now and in the future. She loves you and wants you to be ok no matter what happens to her. Also even though a doctor may say a year or less she might have several years. She may even suspect or know something isn't right yet is in denial pretending everything is ok. Or she may have wished she could or can do some things differently yet tires too quickly and m ay have mental fatigue that interferes and can make daily living a challenge. If you send your mom a card or a text and just remind her that you love her it will give her comfort and maybe the will to not give in or give up prematurely. Who knows what the future holds. Miracles happen. Also she may have already asked your stepmom and father to watch out for you in case something happens to her. Love is patient love is kind. Love endures.
wow... such beautiful thoughts... thank you so much!
alas - i now only have my mom and step mom left... and i've been spending the better part of 3 days and 2 nights / week with my mom to help comfort her with her loss...
my step mom is a different story, i'll spare the gorey details... but she lives in her own reality and tries to force that reality upon me... so we've barely even spoken in over a year now... it's so funny how life works... it's as tho life is trying to mentally mess with us. my mom was no mother; and my step mom was the only real mother i knew growing up. now it seems the roles have completely reversed!
i really appreciate all you've said... i'm very hopeful that my mom will beat the statistics, and have many more years left... she does have a number of things in her favor... so fingers tightly X'd.....
your reply was insightful as well as uplifting... TY again!
True, it comes is waves that often make no rhyme or reason. Just to note, grief is a complicated part of life. We have death to put life in perspective. Unfortunately we all have been getting too much.
We owe it to those who have gone on, to enjoy life, The joys of nature and the earth I hope cab translate to those who are no longer with us. That will come for most of us. Sometimes I talk to those who have gone on, to say this trip to the ocean or the woods is for you, too, if it was something they enjoyed. Somehow it helps me stay grounded and honoring their passing.
Their life is still in us in many ways and we owe it to them, but also to honor them. Wanting to die is an insult to them. Bet if they were here we would be severely scolded.
wow SA - that was SOOO eloquently said - putting life in perspective! that's really touching.
and what you said about talking to those gone - also awesome... i've been telling my mom that very same thing - telling her to let it out that way - and/or by writing a letter... as well as yelling at her mom to let that anger out! (anger she only realized she harbored after my step dad's passing).
but of all you said - that which hit me the hardest - were your last 2 sentences! my mom has said that very thing - "i don't want to be here anymore". and i've acknowledged and validated her feeling that way - but i didn't know how to 'combat' that statement in a positive way!!! and that's how!!!!!!
i cannot possibly thank you enough for giving me those words to say!!!!!!
you truly possess wisdom of the ages!!! TYTYTY 💜💜💜
The more they talk without egging them on but just to listen helps them immensely--to get it out without judging them as they are in true pain. You also need someone to tell of your feelings outlooks and with someone who truly listens without judgement. I think this needs to be face to face, so perhaps a counselor who hears your pain and listens. Venting with too many losses is necessary. If you cannot, writing in curcive helps immensely as that is a form of TFCBT. Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy. We have done this in this area trained from a major trauma center for years.
Thank you. Oh, thank you. My sweet Nero stayed with me long after... I miss him so.
13ga Okay I hear you. "No answers" How about some suggestions and or insights? Firstly, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my parents several years ago.. I still grieve to some extent. Especially when I see hear or read something I think I'd like to call and share with them. Ten I remember "Oh, I can't. They're gone"... Death is final. We never really get over the loss, but it 's impact lessens over time. Allow yourself to feel the loss and sadness etc. (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross The Five Stages Of Grieving") It's perfectly natural and needs to run it's course. Counseling may help as well as "venting".. We depressed persons tend to react most strongly to emotions of this type. I like to think it's because we are more aware and empathetic. Hang in there. It does get better, honestly.
i'm always happy to hear from you, and your thoughts and suggestions are always welcomed!
i def. hear you about grieving my step dad... it's horridly painful.
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but what i think really set me off, is losing my 'new friend'...
that wasn't outside my control - and it was avoidable. all it would have taken was for me to simply state my concern, and NOT try to be a funny wise-donkey-butt. it's the same foot-in-mouth disease i've already displayed on this very forum, as well as in other mis-steps along life's path.
sometimes i think i'm a somewhat smart guy - and then something like this proves to me that i've failed time and time again - in learning what should be an extremely obvious lesson. and after each failure i think - why the frack can i not beat this lesson into my thick skull?
so - either i'm really thick-headed, or i have an unquenchable desire for self destruction.
neither of those options speaks very highly of me.
and yea - i guess this post is about venting... so maybe i can begin to live with the consequences of my latest faux pas. but what good in the long run does that do me - if i haven't yet learned this most basic fracking lesson!?!?!?
STFU. that's all i had to do. state my concern, and then STFU. that's IT. why the frack is that sooo hard for me to do????
(and while that obviously is a rhetorical question - if you think you know the answer - i'm all ears!!! )
Hey man, been wondering how you're doing. I don't have answers. More like experience, insights, and suggestions. Fortunately there's a cure for Foot in Mouth Disease.. But there's a catch. It takes work and practice.
One of a couple of things I'd encourage.. and it takes P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E, is to be (and I hate this term) "Mindful" of yourself and others. By that I mean, think before you act or respond in any way, weigh your options, think how you'd like to be treated or spoken to in any similar situation... Then, take a deep breath and repeat this suggestion. One lesson from AA I particularly like is "There aren't any 'shoulds' You end up 'shoulding' all over yourself . More on that in a bit. I'll send a link if I can figure out how to attach it in this post.
Another suggestion is this. When you first recognize that you're getting back in to the self destructive patters. Take a deep breath, hold it for a second or two, and slowly exhale.. Next pay attention to your body. Notice your breathing. Are you breathing evenly.. short shallow breathing..? Notice things like what posture you are in (guarded , relaxed , etc.). Feel different areas of your body. Are any of them "stiff or ridged", Neck, back, shoulders, jaw, legs and arms,? "Listen" to your body. It knows before your brain when things are close to blowing.
Own your words and actions. Again, think before reacting.
So yes, STFU in these situations and be aware and measured in you reactions..
yep - that cure - that's a really tough one.... i can be SO quick to answer/jump-in/comment... i don't know how to change that behavior. i'm still in the "oops i frackin did that again" stage - and i haven't been able to graduate from that.
i LUV that AA lesson!!! i def. need to work on my 'shoulding'. and i'm SO beyond sick and tired of the shoulding messes i leave behind.
i think your next suggestion might make the most sense - with a minor adjustment... i'm pretty sure if i can hold my breath for about 5-6 min - that will solve my self destructive behaviors - at least on others!!
i especially like the idea of watching my body - though i'm not sure that one's going to be helpful for me... neck, back, shoulders, jaw, legs and arms - for the last 4 weeks - i think they've ALL been stiff and rigid! especially my neck, shoulders and back. all are stiff and almost always sore over last 2-3 weeks.
i def own my words and actions. i've no problem admitting my mistakes. problem is - i'm tired of owning!!! i'd like to sell, and just rent!!!! the maintenance and upkeep is killing me - and i seriously want a divorce from the present tenant!!!!!
say - wouldnt it be nice if we could swap tenants for a bit... maybe find out current residence not so bad? maybe find out how to renovate current residence!!! 😃 😂 🤣😃 😂 🤣
I'm sorry, I don't know any answers. Heck, Bruce Almighty didn't either, so why should I? I do have weird thoughts pop in my head though. Maybe this one will offer some insight. (If not, nothing ventured, nothing gained, huh?)
You remember the stand-up comedian who starred in "Everybody Lovers Raymond", Ray Romano? I heard him say in an interview once that he wouldn't be in "this business" (wise-ass) if his father had once said he loved him. Hmm...
Maybe these are all coping mechanisms. Sometimes they get us through the s**t. Sometimes they get in the way. That's my 2¢ worth.
don't ever sell yourself short! you may not have all the answers - but neither does ANYone!!!
and your comment - may not have been the answer to the exact question i asked - but your comment WAS the answer to the question i SHOULD have asked!!!! (don't ask me what that question is... lol) but that's a freakin awesome factoid - and definitely goes into the hmmm makes ya think column!!!!
your 2¢ was easily worth $2 !!!!! that's 100x the value you assigned - for anyone keeping score! my check'll be in the mail!!!
Hello my friend I am so sorry about everything that is going on . You are so kind and funny you don’t deserve this . You deserve to be here because I consider you as a friend . You care about a lot of people.
i have never - not once - seen you offend anyone (except possibly some that are an offense to decency, and deserved to be offended ).
i, on the other hand, DO deserve this. while i only intend kindness and levity, i somehow manage from time to time, to offend, insult, or unintentionally hurt someone. and this time it was someone i cared about; someone who's been nothing but kind, and shown nothing but caring and support toward me.
it was my friend that didn't deserve this - not me. i got [mostly] what i deserved.
i thank you for your kind words, and your friendship - but must also advise you to reconsider our friendship - as it's only a matter of time before i say something stupid in some ill-conceived attempt at humor - which offends you as well.
yep - i'm having a pity party, and besides me, self-loathing is the only other invitee. it's NOT pretty. and i know at some point i'll probably regret it. i'm just bearing my ugly side for all to see... let that be fair warning!
yes, i DO care about people - at least people that are capable of caring in return. but i also seem to have a need to push away anyone that might get too close to me. that actually ironically, IS me caring too - i'm protecting them from me!!!
Listen to me you DONT deserve this period!! Secondly i will never reconsider my friendship with you even if you hurt my feelings i will always forgive you and you will still be my friend . Don’t listen to those stupid words in your head you deserve to be here .
I'm so sorry you have suffered so many losses in such a short amount of time. You are among friends who will never judge you here. We are all struggling and need to lean on each other. Sometimes we are our own worst critics and are really good at finding fault with ourselves, especially when we're hurting.
I've had lots of practice in that department as well. Recently I've started writing down what I do from the time I get up in the morning in a notebook. It has been helping me to see that I am a worthwhile person who is trying to be better. Don't get me wrong- these are not monumental things. I'm writing down things like: fed the dog, gave her fresh water, made coffee, worked on a puzzle, did yoga for 15 minutes. Simple, small things that help to make me aware of how I'm getting through the day. I watch a lot of comedies. If the weather is ok it helps to spend some time outside. And joining groups like this where I meet nice people, some of whom have a wickedly funny sense of humor. One day at a time.
No worries if you miss writing down a few things here or there. That will just mean that you're even more productive than you thought you were. A forest preserve nearby WOW! Sometimes nature and wildlife can give us a bit of a boost and a sense of peacefulness in our heads/hearts. We're all in this together. Sending lots of love and good vibes your way. 🥰
Oh my goodness! I do that every day -- I write down every silly, tiny little thing I do, just trying to encourage and validate myself. I thought I was the only one! It's funny, I read about you writing things in a notebook and I thought how great it is! Don't know why I never thought that about me; what I'm doing.
That you care means that you are succeeding in a big way. That you can feel your emotions (even though the feelings suck) is another indication of that. Numbness may seem preferable but ultimately it is really harmful because you can’t work through what you can’t feel........
i like your answer... because it makes it sound like i AM succeeding... but i think because i continue to at some point, hurt people i care about - due to my sloppiness of language; my state of mind; my default defensive use of humor regardless of situation; or whatever mitigating excuse i manage to come up with - that i'm failing to show what i think, is any measurable improvement.
i don't know how many more friends i can afford to piss off... regardless of the amount of spit i'm going thru personally.
i know without a doubt that your right... it's unquestionably harmful to not acknowledge and process these feelings. but i've spent so much of my life repressing and running from them - that not only are they completely off the scale on the suckage chart - but i'm a neophyte in dealing with them; and that only ups the suckage and stress level again...
while i know being numb is not healthy - and especially from a post about this i ironically stumbled across... that it's a flag and sign of depression - i've been there so long - it's my comfort zone. my unhealthy fracked up depressed comfort zone.
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any suggestions on how to make it NOT my comfort zone? how do i get used to and welcome "feeling over numb" ?
You are clearly very intelligent and analytical. I consider myself the same. It’s a double-edge sword. These are traits that most would love to have but they can also be used by us as a weapon against us. And in turn, as you you have discovered, against others. You mentioned that you are losing friends by hurting them with your words. You are smart enough to realize this is all about you and not about them. It’s a reflection of how you feel about yourself. You can’t expect for them to love you when you hate yourself, my friend. So in terms of comfort zone, cultivating a friendship with YOURSELF is clearly outside of it. That’s a great place to start. If you dare to. If I asked you what your positive attributes are right now I bet you’d come up empty. It’s a habit. It’s what you know. It’s even comfortable. And it’s eating you alive. You’re ready to push the envelope or you would not have written your post. You’ve been ready for quite some time. What used to work for you no longer does. Get rid of it.
Shifting gears, and speaking of being numb, consider this . I’m 62. And until two years ago, in all of my adult life, I had never NEVER cried, in public or in private. That’s changed. And I can cry now when I need to. And I’ve needed to for 50 years because of all the pain I’ve carried. It has let me know that the ice of my inner self is melting. At first it felt really strange but now it feels good. Because I know I’m evolving.
You wonder what it will take for you to change the road you’re on and be more comfortable with really feeling rather than being numb. You are already on that new road. And there’s no turning back. The truth is that you don’t need any advice at this point. The butterfly can’t go back into that comfortable cocoon. Stop fighting it. There may be a long way still to go but you’ve already come a long way. And you haven’t come this far to come only this far.
How do I know this about you? Because from even just a few posts I see myself in what you write. The new normal for me is to feel, and it sure beats the hell out of being numb. Learn to be comfortable with that because that’s where you’re headed as well. And that’s a really good thing.
Your question was so good and I don’t even know if I got even close to answering it. Forgive the rambling rant that was my attempt
truly wise words.... so well said... to me - there was nothing rambling or ranty about that - as you said - i see alot of me in your writing too... which maybe is just another way of us both recognizing that we can be long winded... i sure know i can!!
your crying story is stunning! and i thought i had surrounded myself with an unpenetrable wall!! it seems that both our walls now have "weep" holes (pun intended) ... and i know that's a good thing... i certainly miss the comfort of my cocoon - but i also know full well that is NOT the path to a healthy and fulfilling life. certainly emotions are now flowing thru my weep holes, and i know i need to become comfortable with that... but just haven't quite gotten to the "want to" stage yet :-|
i'd say your answer hit the nail on the head. maybe it bent a little... but then again - there really is no such thing as a perfect straight line. they're only straight relative to something else....
Hey my Ninja, what yu are feeling is something most feel especially when there is a loss of a loved one. Seems you and ur dad were pretty close. I know u said step dad, but that was not a step dad to you. U feel the loss of a biological father and that hurts. I had to mention that bcz when we speak of step what what, it like there are less or no feelings involved but in ur case, this person was more than that and that hurts buddy. Ur feelings are justified. Losing a friend, that is definately an upgrade and adds more bad vibes. To top that with that crap of a brother u have, that worse. I know I should be saying gud staff abt ur brother bcz I'm supposed to be a better person, not today friend bcz I'm ur supporter, not ur brothers. I will side with him another day. Forget about him right now. Then the loss of an uncle. Oh no friend, this is too much. You are one person who is always supporting others and I like that a lot about u and today we are here to say, we have ur back. What I would say is, don't rush to get rid of those emotions, let them sink in and don't really engage with people with negetive energy bcz it won't help right now. On their own time, they will go but too much has happened that your emotions are mixed up in side ways. But I know u have great knowledge in ur brain which u will put to use when the time is right, right now we need to support u and let you know we get u and we have ur back
i really appreciate more than i can say... and you can say anything u want bout my bro... truth is truth... and he can be a real turd. saying negative stuff isn't negative if it's true - and dealing w/ the negative stuff is what we trying to do here bcz afterall, can't get away from it... and the people that create the negative stuff are reproducing far faster than those creating positive stuff.. that's why we feeling overwhelmed and outmanned and outgunned....
and i know you right... today i'm feeling little bit better.... but i was really underwater yesterday...
losing someone due to death is really bad - that sucks beyond measure.
but losing a friend due to my own mistake... that i gotta carry w/ me... in some ways that's a heavier burden - just maybe doesn't cut the same way....
i know what done is done... i said my apologies, and mea culpa's, and fell on my sword all to no avail. so i just gotta move on. can't go back n change it now.
but that doesn't change the level of suckage nor regrets.
I am so very sorry for your losses. I myself am currently mourning my grandmother, so I certainly know how easier said than done it can be. This current time that we are in is certainly the most difficult any of us have ever experienced, it’s okay to accept that. I think sometimes acknowledging that is one of the few things keeping me going. You are not alone, despite how much you most likely feel that you are. I know this feeling, I have for a long time now, but it isn’t true. There is a whole community here quite literally cheering you on!
thank you so much for your reply... i'm so sorry for your loss also....
i remember vividly when my grandfather died, and my grandmother only 8 mo after... they were my 'sanctuary' people growing up... the only safe, peaceful, and joyful haven i had growing up. it was a crushing blow.
and i'm sure you would agree there's a loss there of a different kind of wisdom. a full life's worth of it. we will never truly know life until we live it out - and grandparents have had the master class in that course.
i was fortunate, in that most of my 4 parents grew out of the people they were, and we developed great relationships in later life... my step dad though - was the only standout - he was the only parent i had never had any fallout or issues with. so that just increases the pain... but i also know that, that pain - is the pain of love - it shows i loved. and while i don't like the pain - i know it should be embraced and appreciated for what it represents...
it def. helps to hear people remind me i'm not alone - just as i know your pain - and i share your burden... and we are not alone.
No its ok that you got that out. It does help I think. I totally relate to where your coming from. Please don't be so hard on yourself . Grieving guilt sadness loneliness being or feeling alone and loss are all hard to deal with. Be kind to yourself. I put my foot in my mouth too and say things i don't mean to say and wonder if I've been misunderstood. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Just because your exhausted and struggle alot your still important and your friend might me going through alot too only she might be trying to cover it up because she doesn't want anyone to worry or thinks she should be doing better than she is. Its true that sometimes hurting people hurt people. Please reconsider considering the friendship over because thats what the inner critic or negative voice wants you to believe. She may care and didn't realize what she said hurt you. She may want to be a friend yet is too exhausted now and dealing with grief too. I care about you and her too. Just be patient. She may still be trying to figure some things out. She will reach out when shes able. You may provide comfort to each other its just that other things may be overwhelming for each of you now. Is there someone else you can reach out to for now.? Think about it and be patient with yourself and if possible others too. Take care
and i thought your last reply was insightful... this brought tears to my eyes.
i know you're right. i know for a fact my friend has issues also; is also carrying a heavy load.
i also know that what i said to them, i said so very badly because i was in a trifecta of stress, grief, and pain. i'm not sure they realize that to what extent due to the pain they're in right now too.
i do know it's possible that maybe forgiveness will come with time. but in this case, i just have a feeling it won't. i don't really know how deep a wound i may have caused - but i do know some wounds are too deep to heal. i don't know if this is one of those or not. the same words can cause different wounds to different people... and i really apologized as best i'm able... in many ways... and i think they see me as a bit of a wild-card - which in my current state - i AM. i think they're protecting themself, and i understand that...
sadly - painfully painfully painfully - more painfully than words can describe - i know where they're at.
so i do think it's over, and i'm not sure it isn't for their best... i have no idea how long i'm going to be like this... I don't want to wait this out as me or with me. but i'm stuck w/ me - they're not.
i'm doing far better than i was yesterday... i'm really less down on myself today... tho that last paragraph may argue differently i'm just trying to look at myself objectively.
i know that i have A LOT to offer. i know i can be a really good and caring friend. but i definitely have some thorns (i know we all do). it just seems my leaves are wilted for the moment, i'm temporarily out of bloom, and my thorns are showing more prominently at the moment...
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i am trying to be kind, and patient with myself. but i also know i can have an abundance of those traits for others - but i'm running near empty on myself.
i'm just feeling a lot of "draws" on me, and not a lot of "fills" just now. i know this is temporary... i also know that because of this - the hurts hurt way more; and the not-hurts (i can't use "joy" at the moment) don't hurt way less.
so i guess i'm just making 'dirt angels' waiting for the rains to unwilt my leaves, and put me back into bloom... i only wish i knew a rain-dance that worked!!!
If by "here" you mean our forum, I am so glad you are here. You brighten it by your presence.
So, in the midst of your confusion and grief you are saying things you oughtn't. It's awfully hard to have a governor fully up to speed when the hourglass is up. Maybe it'd be easier to forgive yourself if your new friend offered a chance for forgiveness. You know his reaction says more about him than you, don't you?
Besides, your "unfiltered big mouth" has a big upside. Don't you realize how much laughter and comfort you've shared on our forum? If you weren't blessed with that unfiltered access... Oh, how do I put it? You have a plus and a minus side to your "big mouth". You are so creative in the way you express yourself many would be envious. (Me for one.)
Now we're getting into self-pity. Shut it down if you can. You're entitled to be human and hurt. This seems to me a good, supportive place to share it.
NBP - you leave me almost speechless! what a great reply!
you really put a needed and welcome smile on my face!
yes, i def. said something i shouldn't have; and my governor doesn't work so great even when i'm at my best! which, as you say - has it's pluses and minuses... and i know you're right about saying more bout them than me - but i still own that i caused some pain, and that hurts... especially because it was so avoidable... but as you've said - i need to forgive me....
and yes, to be sure, forgiving myself would come far easier if a chance for forgiveness was offered - but i certainly can't and won't wait or even hope for that... i need to forgive myself of my own accord, and i am trying to do that... but forgiveness can be a challenge for me - and especially when it's me i'm trying to forgive!
yes - i was def. throwing a whopper of a pity party yesterday... but i've kicked that bastard out the door - it's no longer welcome. i'm doing far better today. now i've just gotta clean up the mess that's left... i'm wondering if i shouldn't try to push out a poem to help tidy up the mess... i'll see if there's one hiding under the refuse trying to get out...
not only did you put a smile on my face - but you've really helped to lift my spirits... and i thank you!
so maybe tomorrow i can get onto more important and lighter things like the taradis!!!! my scheduled cat therapy tomorrow night is timed pretty well too...
You do sound better. I'm happy things are improving. Yay!
What the heck is "cat therapy"? Did I miss a joke?
Have you noticed there seem to be more artists on our forum than seems average in would at large? What's up with that? (Do more artists get wonky than non-artistic types?)
Ya, I've heard using your art can help get you out of a funk... But what's my gift, huh? Just watching others create??? 😥
cat therapy is what i call volunteering at a no kill animal rescue... this particular rescue only has cats at the moment - but will take on dogs late in the year if they can get enough volunteers to support dogs which need a lot more work...
they have well over 100 cats; and maybe 40-50 of them are in 1 HUGE room.
i can't tell you what it's like to walk into that room and have at least 12 cats running over to you for attention!! some will even swat at others to deter them, so the swatter can get more attention...
that's some serious cat therapy!!!
i'm not sure there are more artists in here... mostly because i think they're out there around us - but we don't see them readily...
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NBP - you have many gifts. (1) you've made me smile; made me laugh; lifted my mood; you peaked my interest enough to engage with you - i do not easily reach out to people.. i wait until i'm "invited"... (it's a don't like rejection thing taken to extreme). i may appear to be outgoing - but i have to really work to do that.
(2) NBP - you are an artist too!!! do you think I'm an artist??? i'm a freaking computer geek!!! i've never written a poem in my life until i joined this forum - a number of other people had shown me - you don't need to be a "poet" to write a poem. they inspired me. i've posted 8 poems in the last 3-4 months - and they were the first i've ever written!!! there are some true artists in here - and they're nothing short of amazing. but i've seen plenty of people just take a stab at whatever... and i encourage you to try... no one here will judge your work... at least not anyone you'd care about!! and besides - who cares even if it isn't amazing - if it gets out what you need or want to get out - well isn't that what it's all about?? art is personal. the only one that needs to like it - IS YOU!! and frankly - i'd say you don't even need to like it - it simply needs to let you get the "crap" out - vent. if it does that - job well done!!
in fact, the story you challenged me to write - i think maybe we'll co-write it... you can contribute as much or little as your comfortable with. i'll get it started; and you can either add to the flow, or simply critique and comment.
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so let me recap some high points. i'm an IT guy; never wrote a poem; have written 8 in last few mo's; and you can do it too! doesn't have to be a poem - you could just write a story; draw a picture - do you know about "zentangle" ??? that's a drawing artform ANYONE can do - i've done that too!! (again something i've tried in last few months)
you can do it! just do it for you! if anyone else it moved or touched by your work... woohoo... but do it for YOU. you don't even have to post your work... tho i'd love to see what you do; and i KNOW others would too!!!
Your cat therapy sounds like a slice of heaven. How I wish I could find a place like that to be of service. Wait... I did, just for a moment. I closed my eyes and smelled their warm fur and felt home. Thank you.
My goodness you have succeeded in appearing extroverted.
"For when I fool
the people I fear
I fool myself as well"
Did I invite you? Really? Did I? You seem like Mr. Personality to me. It's been effortless chatting with you. Except for the pain... I know you're here sharing a lot of misery life has handed you now. Ya, me too. I'm not nearly as up-front kind-of-a-girl, though. It's hard for me to talk about me.
Naw. I am MUCH too hard on myself to ever take pen to paper. I compare myself to the greatest poets and novelists I've ever read. That's humiliating.
I contribute here by occasionally leaving a poem, or a song that touches me deeply at the moment. Sometimes others respond. Sometimes not. Sometimes the responses make me go "huh?" It's all good. I'm doing the best I can to get out something festering (yuck) inside, somewhere dark and dank.
Okay, alright already. Art is therapeutic. Namaste, OM, and all that Zen stuff. What do you do if even trying the art / meditation thing drives you right up a wall?
I'm a reader! I'm good at that. Even a bit arrogant about it. I can improvise a silly derivative story if I'm put to it. Out loud. On the spot. Hand me a sheet of paper and I'm miserable.
hi NBP; just home from 'cat therapy'.... omg... sooooo nice! they have a new kitten brought in this last week.... all the new arrivals go to kennel room for quarantine, vet checks, etc... o-m-g... i was barely in the kennel room and - mew mew mew mew mew mew.... as if saying me me me want attention me me attention... teeny little thing tryin to push her nose between the bars..... soo tiny sooo in want of attention - sooooo cute - i just wanna crawl in there with her!!!!
this is a very dangerous place for an animal lover to spend time!!!
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yes - i've done a good job of fooling myself... i've pushed myself so hard to be extroverted - that i'm far more comfortable in that role than i ever thought possible. "fake it till you make it" - really does work. but at the end of the day - i'm still an introvert inside.
in a way - yes - you did invite me. you posted some post, that i felt compelled to reply to. i've posted countlessreplies - but very few original posts. it's not easy for me to put myself out there. but it is far easier if i'm "invited" first. so you posted; i replied; and at some point you replied and i felt more comfortable engaging in conversation further... from that point - it's far easier for me to be more 'extroverted'.
i def know how hard it is to talk about 'self'. i may make it look easy... but it most def. is NOT. i created 'my golden rules' from my earliest memory. 1- don't trust anyone - ever; 2- dont share anything - it can be used against you; 3- ... well you get the idea... bottom line - i never shared anything; ever. i've had to really force myself ... it's also easier for me to share here, anonymously... i've shared stuff here i would NEVER share in Real Life. but the truth is - there are people i've met here - that if i communicated with in RL - i'd be as open as i am here.
sharing like this - takes practice. it gets easier - with practice. i know (now - after soo many years) that vulnerability is not only healthy - but required to find fulfillment. so i've been pushing myself. and it's gotten easier... it's just like a muscle. it hurts like all mother fracking spit the first time you use it. and it's sore and painful after. and you never wanna use it again! but if you do - it get's stronger, and less painful.
and if you practice - sometimes you get hurt - sometimes badly - like i just did. but i know if i want to have fulfilling friends, and fulfillment in life and relationships... i need to exercise this muscle.
so you CAN talk about you... and it will be hard. and there might be pain. but there's a payoff... and that payoff can more than make up for all the pain and hardship you endured. but you gotta take risk, to find the payoff...
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so if the art / meditation drives me up a wall... I try anyway. i try to push thru it. or maybe i try a different art. or i try to figure out WHY it drives me up a wall... then i try to figure out if it's reasonable .... and if it's not reasonable... i try even harder to push thru.
do i make it sound easy? sometimes it's easy; but most the time it's REALLY hard. and i've sucked plenty. and i gave up more than once - at least for a respite. but eventually i got back up and pushed some more.
i can tell you 1 thing. if you knew me 7 years ago - you wouldn't recognize me from today's me (I can barely believe i'm me!! ). and i hope for all i'm worth - in another year, i'll be better still... except of course - i want 1 year ahead me to be here right now!!! cause this spit is hard!!!!
so if you wanna practice... you can practice on me. i won't judge you - at least not intentionally - and if i do - call me out - i'll suck it up and do my mea culpa's. this is how we both improve ourselves. i may make a really stupid joke too; but then we can both laugh at me.
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well - after this wkend i'm really spent... heading to bed early...
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Weekends are almost always bad for me. Your words are brave. So brave! I will try. I have been so badly hurt trusting, but I will try again. As best as I am able. Can you stand a coward? I am so broken...
I hope you had a lovely r and r.
Today is a day full of hurt and fear. You were right, I am beginning to learn a few acronyms from you. TTYL is a comfort for me today. See? I'm trying to be brave.
no worries, NBP; no time limit on replies... weekends are a bit unpredictable for me too... especially with my weekly overnight stays w/ mom... i can be emotionally exhausted; and this weekend i could barely bring myself to touch anything electronic...
can i stand a coward?? NBP - let me recite golden rules #'s 1 and 2: (1) never trustanyone, EVER! (2) never share anything unless absolutely necessary - and then only the bare minimum!
those words are not brave words - they're the words of someone that truly understands cowardice - intimately. those are the words of someone who's trust was smashed to bits at the earliest age i can recall. i know the pain of hurt from trusting.
my words that you call brave... those are the words of someone who's been on both sides of the trust equation - the side of failure; and more recently, the side of success. i was already starting to see the evil's of not trusting - but 1 book crystallized it for me... "daring greatly" by brene brown. you said you like to read, right? well drop everything and read - or listen - to this book: amazon.com/Author-Daring-Gr... (also read my PM about this)
this book transformed my understanding and importance of vulnerability. it clarified its import if you want to live a full life! brene is a scientist who did studies on shame and guilt. the results are astounding. this book is a plain spoken, and entertaining explanation of those studies. it should be required reading for ALL humans - as well as most aliens!!! i've also described this book as the closest thing to an operators manual i've ever seen for operating this bio bag i'm trapped within.
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next - and plz read this VERY CAREFULLY.
NBP - YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. you WERE damaged!!! damaged can be healed. even broken can be fixed. i said WERE damaged - because you're talking to me about how you feel about yourself. that's the first step to repairing the damage and fixing any broken. you are less damaged today than you were yesterday! it may only be the teeniest bit... but every little bit is a little bit LESS damaged. a little bit MORE WHOLE.
you may not realize it - but you ARE ALREADY TRUSTING. you've shared stuff with me and this forum. yes - it's tiny stuff. nothing that can get you hurt... but that's how you build trust. in tiny steps. a little bit at a time. brene talks about this in several chapters. there's the 'marble jar' and building trust. i didn't even have a jar, because i smashed it long ago; let alone actually put any marbles in it! but i made a new jar - and i've put marbles in it. and you can too!!!
NBP - if you want to truly understand trust and vulnerability - i'd be happy to try to explain it... but brene literally spells it all out beautifully.
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i really did have some good R n R... esepcially yesterday... i hope you survived your weekend, and are ready to tackle your week!
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NBP - i hope you don't mind me correcting you again... you're not trying to be brave - you are brave!!!!!! NO ONE goes thru the kind of shpit we've been thru - and continues to reach out and connect with others - NO ONE does this that isn't already brave!!!!
you're already a brave fracking warrior or you wouldn't be here!!
💜💜💜💜💜 - NBP - you do understand what those are, right? they're not just signs of support and affection. those are purple hearts. because you've earned them! and i DO NOT give them to cowards! you're a warrior fighting some of the worst battles anyone can fight - the battle that wages within us. you're a decorated warrior with purple hearts! keep on fighting!
i hear ya, NBP; it's hard for all of us. we all have to deal with both these things... you are most def not alone!
there is 1 piece of good news i can report to you tho...
i just read some research on dementia and alzheimers... if you know you have problems with memory - you almost certainly do not have any memory issues!!!! woo hoo for that - right? 💜
well - even if you are right - you very clearly aint there yet!
on the positive side of that equation - there is a tremendous amount of promising research going on in that area... there've been some really promising treatments in mice... we just need that to progress into human studies... 💜💜💜
Sometimes counting to ten helps before announcing your discounting them. I worked with my kids to tell them to put animals in between each number and this was something they could remember before spewing anger when they felt vulnerable. It helps because if you only count you are still angry. You like animals it might be a way to be more "mindful" or picture that person you are addressing.
Tears, too, are cleansing as they even have a different chemicals as tears from a cold or an onion. They can help the adrenal glands to not produce cortisol, but you probably know more about this than I. I have pictures of what tears look like and they are fascinating. I will try to post if I can find these wonderful capturing tears.
in fact - normally before posting anything - i re-read my posts sometimes 12x !!! on the occasion in question tho - i was at my mom's and was rushing... a foolish mistake - i should have waited until i had the time to be SURE about what i say....
and the animals idea - that's a brilliant concept! i've tried just pausing, or waiting - but the idea of inserting a calming icon - that's genius!
as for tears - absolutely agree... i hope you can find those pics - i'd love to see them!!
i LOVE all your suggestions!!! and i've done most of those things at different times!! i def try to embrace my inner child - and have for a while - because i did miss out on so much when i was a kid... tho sometimes i also think i need tofind my inner ADULT....
it's interesting - whenever i've been at gatherings - i usually hang out w/ the kids - prefer them over almost all the adults - can't stand to have worthless conversations about stuff no one cares about! love being w/ the kids - can talk about anything - LOVE getting their blunt and honest answers and opinions! and i love being silly with them... i have several 'names' - i'm 'crazy uncle...' 'silly uncle'... etc... i wear those labels w/ pride! i'm the man who sits on the floor w/ the kids and makes a fool of himself... sing and dance when the music moves me; and just don't care what i look like...
hmmm... my fav activity from youth??? that's tough... and as you're about to see... i was a VERY STRANGE kid !!!
* i liked to take clocks, watches, camera's and lenses apart - and put them back together in working order - or even fix broken ones...
* i really liked to build and paint models - but only did that at my grandparents house (this was the ONLY place i could really be a kid) - couldn't possibly do that at home. so this was a very rare treat. i still have some of those models in a box in my basement!! i should go dig some out!!!!
* i loved building things - usually electronic things. i think i was around 10 when i built a ruby rod pulse laser (i studied the physics and designed mine all on my own)!! i soldered together many electronic gadgets.
* thought about making a mini atomic bomb... even tho it wouldn't have the fissionable material. i abandoned the idea when i couldn't collect enough mild explosive from my "caps". what's the fun of making a nuke if you can't even get a little bang out of it!!
* i also LOVED to play w/ my chemistry set. holy crap - i think i still have 1 of those in a box too!!!!
* i examined stuff with my microscope... guess what...?! i still have several!! i used to prepare and fix my own slides!
* in my teens, i got a discarded copy machine from a flea market. i disassembled it, and extracted the red laser and power supply to find the laser still worked - and i made a 'continuous beam laser rifle' !!! this was WAY before laser pointers existed - and i used to shoot the laser on the sidewalk in front of people (hidden far away) - and completely freaked them out!!!!! i had several people looking up to the night sky looking for aliens!!!!!! i even shot it thru a neighbors window - i don't think they appreciated the joke as much as i did!!!
* 1 of the kids that bullied me... this was before cable tv - and everything came from an antenna. i made a battery powered tv wave interference device i thru up on that kids' roof. i have no idea how long they were unable to watch tv!!!!
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WOW SA - i can't tell you how much fun that walk down memory lane was!!!! that really helped to put a smile on my face!!! i think i'm going to go find 1 of those models and put it on my desk (one was a functioning 8-cyl engine!) oooo i wonder if i still have my visible man or woman (anatomy models) they'd be perfect on my desk !!!!
i wonder if i still have my plans for a nuclear bomb! - i can easily get a hold of stuff that goes bang now!!!
i always wanted to build an alcohol powered steam engine (mini)... maybe i could work on that!
well - like i said - i was a very weird kid!!! and now everyone knows why i didn't have many friends!!! LMAO!!! heh just realized: Nothing_but_books - do you still find it hard to believe i'm an introvert!???? ROTF
tx so much for all those great ideas!!
Hi Rob, hope you are doing alright by now. Much love and support ❤️🌈🙏xxx
Aweee Rob I’m so glad you are doing much better. So proud you overcame all these chaos. I can feel all the positive vibes from your sentence. 👏. As always, much love and lights to you ❤️❤️❤️🌈🙏xxx
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Is my bf not man enough for me?
My dog has crossed the rainbow bridge + it's almost unbearable. 
Struggling with depression
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