How do I cope with divorce?

[Pink99]

Hi there.

This year (2020) was a rough one for everybody, I am sure. And I wish all the best to everyone!

For me, this new year comes with a divorce. Me and my husband we've been together for 11 years. And I don't know how to cope with these feelings. I must mention that it wasn't my choice, I still love him, he said he has no more feelings for me. And this broke me so bad, I feel betrayed, I feel like it's a choice to work on a relationship and discover the new one (a choice he didn't take). Because I know we all change over time, and times can get tough, but I chose to fell in love with him each day...

I have all this feelings I can't cope with, It's the betrayal of my trust, is the sense of lost and despair of loosing someone you love, it's the fear of new beginnings... because I have no child, and I am a 36 years old woman... will I ever find love again? How could I when I can't trust anyone anymore, and my clock is ticking, and I wanted a child and a family, when will I be able to do this? I already have my standards, and my things I like, will I be capable to live with another one ever again?

And I don't want to hate my ex, but I feel slowly that hate grows inside me. I wish I could just ignore everything, and forget that he even existed, or at least to avoid anything that reminds me of him. But I can't, because well, life, and we have mutual friends, we have our families, etc.

What can I do? Can anyone give me some tips to balance me a little? Because I feel that I am loosing it.

[Hidden]

Hi,I honestly can empathize with you.

Firstly, allow yourself to grieve and experience all the flood of conflicting emotions you are and will experience.

It's a had thing to deal with. Loss of closeness, loss of self esteem, loss of love, loss of routine.

I promise you , you WILL get through this.

I had a similar experience when I was your age.. Honest. Yes, it's devastating. People do loose interest and blame the other side . Cruel and thoughtless things are said and done It's all too uncommon. I know , I've been there myself. Trust is easy to lose, hard to regain.. but you can.

Reach out here and with friends to help cope.

Take time to get to know yourself, Re-invent yourself.

Yes, love can and will come again.

As to your biological clock. I'm not qualified to speak to that.

[Pink99 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the hope.

[Hidden in reply to Pink99]

You're welcome. Mutual support is what we do here. We're all in/on this world together. Be well.

[Pink99 in reply to Hidden]

I wish you all the best too. I am gratefull for all the messages I receive, makes me a little less sad.

[Hidden in reply to Pink99]

That's nice to hear. Feel free to check in any time. It will get better over time.

[Hidden]

Thanks for sharing and I hope you find your bearings. I have heard that some people try to think of things they like about the person that they are having a hard time with. This is radical but kind of helps me get into a better mindset. If it doesn't work, don't worry. I am not a therapist but this has helped me. Trying to forgive people that hurt me is more for me than for them. There are various techniques like writing down your feelings and what you want to say to that person and then safely destroying the paper. Hope that helps. Or just talking about it helps me too. So good job.

[Pink99 in reply to Hidden]

Talking helps, but I feel alone and no one to talk to. I have some friends but was a shock to them as it is to me. I might be tempted to talk bad about him and I don t want that. And I seem to not be able to connect with any of my friends, like I'm on a different planet, I feel so alone.

[swordfishll in reply to Pink99]

There are quite a few marriage/divorce websites where members with similar issues chat with each other, have you tried that? Sorry about your husband

[Pink99 in reply to swordfishll]

I don't know any, at least in my country....but I could try, any english sugestions? And thank you for your time.

[Hidden]

How are u

We are here for u. Sorry for what has taken place this year. I am sure divorces is hard and do not feel as if u are crazy, emotions will most definately rise high. It is expected to feel as if life is over. Life is not over. I would say don't set too high standard, just make sure that ur standards are reachable. All in all, we are here for u and for support.

[Pink99 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you!

[jvdonkey2020]

Hi Pink99. I don't have any answers for you. I can say that I'm in the same boat as you and it really sucks. We were together for 19 years, but the pandemic pushed that to 20 now.

I can say that thinking about the future - specifically worrying if I'll ever find love again really doesn't help my situation any. It's a struggle, but one I'm winning at least today I am.

I'm here if you need/want to talk.

Let yourself feel those emotions - even the ones you aren't comfortable with. It may feel like hate right now, but it's probably just a lot of anger. And you can't let that fester inside of you.

This may be said way too much, but take things like friends and family one day at a time.

I am a faceless stranger, but I'm here for you if you need a place to vent.

JVD

[Pink99 in reply to jvdonkey2020]

Thank you! Like I said I wanted to be decent, but I can't stop to kinda stalking him. It's still fresh, I admit that (just two weeks), but I don't want to think with who is he talking, if he is moving on easier (I suppose he does because he wanted this), etc. How do I let go? I don't wanna be clingy and desperate, I have my pride, I am so pissed off and also still love him. So confusing!!!

[jvdonkey2020 in reply to Pink99]

I think you are exactly where you are supposed to be - mentally. Stalking him - of course, you are - you can't turn love off like a light switch. As I said, my ex is bipolar. He tried to choke me once over something he imagined. I stayed with him almost a year after that (sort of, but that's a long story). Love takes a while to turn off. Don't be angry with yourself That shows you are a decent human in my book.Mine wanted an open relationship. I said no. That's what finally made me walk away. Look at what's causing your pride. Maybe it's a good thing and that's what you need to focus on. Maybe it's not good and you need to work on cutting that out of your life. Whatever happens, you are moving on too - it may not look like you're both going at the same speed, but that's okay too.

For me, I'm just working on not sending my ex text messages about cute/interesting things. (We own our house, and are still living together while trying to sell during a pandemic! UGH!!!) When I create a text, then delete it I celebrate for a hot minute. Find something small that you can grab on as a life jacket for now.

Someone once told me that divorce is as close to a death that you can get, but not actually have someone die. I totally get that now.

[Pink99 in reply to jvdonkey2020]

Thank you for sharing you story with me."Someone once told me that divorce is as close to a death that you can get, but not actually have someone die." Yep, I agree with that, the grief you can feel is huge.

And I have to celebrate your victories, it would drive me insane to live with my ex in the same house, I could not control myself...

Our relationship wasn't abuse, he didn't had any issues with drugs, or gambling or something. But it came to a halt and I have to get to used to it...

For now, I am grateful for your response (and everyone else), just a mere minutes from your life gives me a small light of hope.

[jvdonkey2020 in reply to Pink99]

Do you have access to a therapist? With Covid of course it has to be via phone probably, but it does help. I just spent an hour with my therapist on a video chat. I cried, laughed - the whole thing. But I feel better. Like I can go another day, and right now sometimes that's all I need for the moment.But she's on my side. Right now, I very much need someone to be on my side. You may find that it will help you too.

But again, I'm here if you want to talk. If nothing else, at least I'll understand your anger/frustration/sadness.

[Pink99 in reply to jvdonkey2020]

I don't afford one for the moment, maybe after a few month when my budget will become more stable. And I will try to be here for you too we can switch to private messaging if you want to share stuff with me.

Or we can do.it here. The wonders of the internet...nobody knows who you really are. Sometimes I look at people and I realise it's so easy to judge, but nobody knows what's in their head and in their hearts...As a society we are pretty blunt with other people feelings.

[Pink99]

I'm having a breakdown today. How does one cope with your partner telling "I don't love you anymore"?How can I stop calling? I just want to ignore him, to move on and I can't. I feel so disappointed of myself.

[cbgrace1980]

You are articulating your feelings very well. That is wonderful. You are in a very rough spot right now. I have been through this before. I had a wonderful counselor that I trusted that helped me make my own decisions about what I wanted for the future. I, too, am faced with an unwanted divorce during COVID and every day is hard. I believe that you will find love again in the case that this doesn't work out the way you want it to. You have plenty of time to have a child if God has that in store for you. I know you share mutual friends but I hope you have a friend that you trust that you can share your feelings with openly. Hugs to you!

[Pink99 in reply to cbgrace1980]

Thank you for your wonderfull thoughts. For now it's a rollercoster, yesterday I cried for 3-4 hours, today none...but depends on the situation and on the day. There is hope indeed, but sometimes I just struggle to find it.Thank you for the hope.

[cbgrace1980 in reply to Pink99]

Try to be mindful that depression is a feeling, not a permanent place. Remind yourself of things that are true: you are worthy, you are loved, you are important.

[Pink99 in reply to cbgrace1980]

Thank you!

[khappy365]

I completely feel where your head is at. I’m also going through a breakup because my partner cannot be the person I need as I work on my depression. Something that has helped me is definitely not talking to that person, but also understanding that the only moment I can live in is the present. I cannot let the past or the future take up more space because those are merely part of my imagination, they are not the current reality. They lost someone who loves them, but you lost someone who didn’t love you. That to me sounds like you are already doing better. They will look for things they love about you in everything they do. And you will find love again, but you have to be open to it because it may come in forms you’ve never experienced before. I find that I have a pattern of attaching on to people, and that’s a reflection of my lack of self worth. Also remember that sometimes love is not enough, unfortunately. There are so many more basic human needs and as much as we want to think love is enough to keep people together, it’s not. But you will always feel whole if you can provide that love for yourself.

[Pink99 in reply to khappy365]

"They lost someone who loves them, but you lost someone who didn’t love you." OMG. This dropped like a bomb on me today, couldn't imagine that....although everyone says I am worth it and I should not feel sorry for it, this sentence just truly sank. I know I have a need for affection and that makes it harder for me to move on. It comes from my childhood, when I grew up mostly alone, and although now I am capable of being by myself, it wasn't always the case. There is still work to be done to overcome this... "clinginess".

And I am trying. Today, with everyone's help, I feel ok, I am planning for a healthy approach to life, to get to the gym, to do some plans for work...That keeps me sane, and with a reason to go on. It's not the end of the world, I know it, and I want to get out of this a better person, so I could offer someone my love.

I was looking to get a new hobby, any suggestion? Not much of a sport woman myself, but something else, until spring is on?

You look like your are doing ok with your breakup, but I know sometimes we can just pretend for the sake of others... I am here for you also!