I'm desperate and that's pathetic

[sad_watermelon]

Lately, as a form of protection probably, because I am afraid of moving abroad for university, I am missing bring loved so much. I miss the hugs, I miss the kind words, the security, knowing that you have somebody so dear to you, who you can trust at any time. I never had that good friends who could replace this.

Me and my ex boyfriend broke up and decided to stay friends, because we really ment a lot for eachother, but we had different ambitions. I felt him getting distant (which is normal), but with time he gets more and more distant. It's been 3 months now and he told me he moved on a week after the breakup, but he keeps getting distant.

I miss this security we had so much, that I am fighting with myself to not ask him to get back together. My feelings for him aren't the same, of course. But I love each one of my friends, and of course, I love him and I am ready to care for him and give up my family goals, just because I don't think I will find better.

I am too afraid to love somebody else, because they might hurt me, things might go wrong and I never wanted to date just for fun. I always tough that the first one will be the one, because I am so "picky", I don't trust people and I doubt in everything, but he showed me that he truly loves me ...

[sad_watermelon]

You will probably ask what could have caused us to separate. Well, here's a short list.

1. He wanted us to move and live with his mother after I graduate university and live like this forever, which is something that I don't agree with. Living with parents is acceptable for a while, but when we are grown enough and want to form a real family, I insist of having our own space. He actually agreed to live close to his mother, but not with her and here comes reason 2.

2. He wanted to go visit his mother everyday for a few hours after classes (he's going to study in a medical school, so he'll be in university longer than me) or after work when he graduates.

3. He wanted us to have family dinner with his mother at least 4 times a week so she's not alone.

You might think that these desires are a bit exaggerated and won't come true, but trust me, I know this person very well, he's not going to change THESE desires.

4. During the relationship he always preferred to stay home with his mother, not talking to her, just be there while she's working. I was ok with this, but at the end it seemed like I'm disturbing them. When he was at home he always talked about his mother, how much he loves her and how awesome she is.

5. He was getting distant when I was out with friends or mad when I watched a movie or show he found stupid.

6. He was calling me stupid because I didn't share his interest for history and geography, because I am into arts and didn't know many history or geography terms.

7. He never had an opinion. It was always "I don't know" for any kind of questions.

8. He wasn't careful and I ended up with bruises and blues very often after we see eachother. He did things "for fun", but they were hurting me and he didn't stop after I asked him a lot of times.

9. He was calling me ugly and a sl*ut (he said it was for fun, but again, I asked him to stop, but he didn't) when I was wearing dresses or skirts. I have a removed muscle on my leg and a very few models of pants look good on me, so I prefer dresses and skirts.

10. He never fought for the relationship. I was always the one to propose compromises while he was just there....existing...

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to sad_watermelon]

where does the being loved so much, the hugs, kind words, security and the somebody so dear to you you trust at any time fit in all this? I don’t see it. he sorta seems like a not such a great friend either.

just going off what you’re saying. it’s your heart and mind.

[sad_watermelon in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I know, there were so many bad things in this relationship, but also so many beautiful moments when I felt loved, I got hugged... He never went to sleep without writing me long and beautiful goodnight wishes for example.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to sad_watermelon]

there’s a dubious distinction between beautiful goodnight wishes and ugly things like you’re stupid and a slut.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

hugs and love notes at bed time are components of a very long list of things that equal love that should never include controlling or abusive behavior those aren’t love.

[CatLaxy68]

It is really hard when the good memories come, even when the negative ones are there. I married a person I didn’t love who I cared about and have been married for 17 years. In the end, I am not happy but not alone. He says he’s happy. I hope you find happy and not alone.

[sad_watermelon in reply to CatLaxy68]

Thank you so much, I hope you find happiness in this too