Before my brother and I started CPR I was with my mother on my own in the house, my dad was in bed and is unable to walk due to MS.
I don't feel as much dread when the image of us doing CPR comes over me, it's before we started the CPR.
I was speaking to my mother who was still alert at that point, telling her to try and relax its ok, I am with her, as she struggled to breath, I could see her starting to go a little blue.
Then I told her to look at me, and the image is burned into my brain it fills me with dread, she looked at me I knew what was going on to some degree.
Moments before my brother walked in she went sick a little and then slumped over in her chair then we had to start doing what the emergency operator told us to do.
But nearly everyday, out of no where that moment comes into my head and I feel restless, feel guilt, feel heavy , feel like I failed again.
Only a year earlier I found myself having to do CPR on my next door neighbour he also passed away, I honestly can't describe how I feel because I honestly do not know.
I keep going because my dad now depends on me, but a lot of the time everything feels pointless, feels like groundhog day, my mother was only 56 and I took her shopping that day.
And in an instant she was gone are pooch she was ok, missing my mother then in an instant gone , I know people are stressed about covis etc but for me, the world already feels like it's ending with the death of my mother and dog, my life literally feels like its falling apart.
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CJ2016
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Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts. You've experienced so much loss, and that is definitely life changing. It is tough to be there when your parent passes...and I feel for you, especially for having guilt. Images of the passing of my father come to my mind, from time to time...and that was 12 years ago. I was there, by his side as he drifted off. Not an easy thing to do, to see your parent go. I think it stays with you forever. It sounds like with your mother, it was sudden, and you had no time to prepare, or say goodbye. How are you coping with that? Do you ever talk to her, in spirit? I do that sometimes, and it helps me. Maybe next time the images come back and flood over you, you can take it as a moment to stop and either check on your dad or have a little conversation with your mom (wherever she is, in spirit). Just a thought. I find the thoughts come back to us for a reason, sometimes. Like we are supposed to do something with it...
Yeah it was unexpected , 5 months earlier she had suffered a stroke but she was recovering so well.
I was working with her on her speech which vastly improved, she was taking the dog for a walk with me, she was eating healthy she was looking great.
And in that one moment that night, it suddenly all changed, I refuse to say goodbye to her , I try and think of it as until we meet again.
I do speak to her, everynight as well as the pooch, I also write in a journal everynight and leave it open on the table my mother would use.
Part of me she can hear and see what I say, but one thing for sure is I feel like I am living a different life.
When the flashback occurs I honestly do not know what to do with my self, I would not say the dread stops me in my tracks but my brain is going a 1000 miles.
It lasts seconds sometimes a min or 2, then the dread fades and its carry on as normal as I have done since she and the pooch has passed.
Also sorry for your loss, losing a parent is horrible big time.
For me all life is equal, be life on two 4 or a 100 legs, if it has a heart,lungs,brain, then there is life, I mourn for the pooch like I mourn for my mother because they both have a place in my heart and now it aches because they are no longer her physically.
I am so sorry about your mother. Was she ill or was is a sudden passing? The reason I ask is that just because you were there, does not mean you could have done anything. Remember you are not a doctor. Putting any kind of blame on yourself is not helpful.
When she passed she was not alone. She had you, always remember that. When you see her face just like kaila said use that time to talk to her.
It was a sudden passing , I keep telling my self I now know how my mother felt to some degree when her parents passed away at young ages, my grand father passed away at age 49 and my grandmother 58.
So sorry CJ2016,Since it was sudden passing there there was definitely nothing you could have done. Try to take things one day at a time. Do you have a therapist? or friends to talk to?
I more often or not keep my self to my self living in my little bubble basically being there for my dad, and my journal is my only therapist well the cheaper option for now .
I understand. Just know that this forum is here for you. If you want to share your feelings like you have done today, it is the best place to come. Most of us have been through loss.
Remember that grieving is ok and a normal part of loss. Take time to use your journal to vent your thoughts in order to move on.
I got flashbacks when it was my son and dad words are hard to get out my head in regards to my mum its difficult but trying to remember good times does help and support.
I’m am so sorry for your loss. It is very difficult! It sounds like the feelings you have are normal for going through grieving the loss. It is hard but the intense grief doesn’t last. Journaling and focusing on good memories are excellent ways to help you process. Give your self time, grace, patience, and continue with self care. I have lost both my parents and the feeling of life being pointless was overwhelming because it’s not who I am. It is just normal with loss. With both parents I looked up ways to help with the process and one thing that really helped me was to find just one thing I would like to do that gave me something to look forward to. It was riding a bicycle and it really sparked something for me. I got excited to get on the bike and the exercise was helpful. I could pray, cry, laugh, think, not think and somehow that one thing propelled me back to better days. Holidays are particularly hard with grieving and the pandemic doesn’t help, and can add to the pain of grief. Is there anything you can think of you have been wanting to learn or try or a hobby you do? Don’t overwhelm yourself, but if you can think of one, simple thing to start doing, it might help. Self care looks different for each person. My dad had been passed two months before I got on the bike. When my mom passed a few years later, the bike was my go-to, again. Hang in there. You will always miss your mom and think of her but the freshness of the grief will subside in time and not be so heavy. Again, give yourself time. They say approximately a year but it’s a general timeline and while it gets better, grief has no formula. For me losing my first parent, it was longer than a year. I let myself get through it because I knew if I embraced the process it wouldn’t drag on. There are lots of resources for processing grief and that also helped me...mainly to confirm what I felt was normal and temporary. Hugs!!!
Thank you I appreciate the reply and honestly nothing comes to mind that I think will drag me out from under this cloud atm.
At first I thought right I need to start eating healthy again, and then start back exercising again(have my own mini gym at home) but food has always been a source of comfort.
When I am stressed feeling down,sad I turn to food and since my mother and dog also passed drink a bit more than I use to.
I use to enjoy playing computer games, but I don't enjoy them as much as I use to , and kind of kick my self because I use a be a bit of a gamer and just think I should or spent less time gaming and more time with my mother even though I was always there for her , and I only gamed during time I had for my self.
You seem to be pretty aware of what you need. I think that finding something you enjoy is important. That empty feeling will go away, but losing your mom and your dog is hard. These feelings are part of grief so keep that in mind. This is not your new normal. It’s a response to the absence of your mom and dog that you were used to having in your life. I really think you’re doing a good job getting through this. Grief just is hard and there’s no short cut. If food is a comfort to you, then don’t make yourself suffer the pressure of changing all your eating habits. Choose one thing. If you like smoothies, add it to your diet. If you enjoy baking, learn some new recipes. Of course, it is important to get proper nutrition but grieving isn’t a good time to go on a diet. I do react to sugar. If I have any past 6:00pm I will wake up depressed the next morning but I love sweets so I just regulate when I have them. Grieving was a good time to regulate but not restrict. Alcohol is another thing, entirely. But it sounds like you are aware and careful. You don’t have to figure out what you enjoy. It will come to you and joy will return. The old cliche of taking it one day at a time is very appropriate during this time. Just know this is a season and the heavy sadness is not permanent. Your good memories will always be with you. You really are doing well and you seem to be processing normally. It feels like your not because this is fresh.
Thank you , really appreciate the reply ,and I think I have to try and push on as best as I can because my dad depends on me more then ever now because he is disabled and wheelchair bound.
So as much as it is a bit of a struggle getting out of bed in the morning I have to because I have to sort my dads meds out and what not.
I really hope the flashbacks of that night do disappear or become less frequent because they are rough and I do not want to keep remembering my mother like that.
The house feels a lot more empty with my mother and dog no longer here, my father has never been much of a talker so more often or not we sit in silence at times.
So again it's just having to get use to the fact that this is my life now
It sounds like it’s actually really good that you have your dad to care for. It is helping you to live life. Maybe as you get through the initial shock of grieving you and your dad can have some new traditions. Does he like to play cards or board games, or listen to books? My husband doesn’t enjoy reading but he loves to be read to so we have gone through a few good books together. Or have a show you watch together and discuss? As far as the flashbacks, yes, they will dissipate in time. It’s just all so fresh for you right now and will be for a bit but it eases out as new memories come in. From diagnoses to death, my mom lasted 3 months and I had horrible memories of her deteriorating in that time. It was hard to watch and care for her as she atrophied and went from cognizant to incongnizant so quickly. It really was a lot and memories of it were hard to not dwell on but I had read that it is important to find things to distract. At first it’s not that simple but it does get better. It doesn’t feel like it will, but now that I have been through it, I know that you have better days ahead and that you will find that living your life is a great way to honor your moms memory. But, for now, it is one day at a time. There are grief recovery groups that are helpful in walking through the stages of grief. Many churches have support at no cost. Have you looked into anything like that? It can be very helpful to have support as it can feel isolating to grieve. Especially when you lose a parent at a young age. Most my friends have not lost their parents so I felt very isolated in that many could not really understand what I was going through. Having support made a big difference!! I had someone I could talk to when my friends didn’t know what to say. Of course, how could they? You are going through a lot and doing very well recognizing your emotions and while it’s hard to process, you are processing which is very important in getting through this.
My dad kind of just lives in his own little bubble, he does not speak much, he has never been much of a talker,he just spends most of his time on the laptop and that is about it.
And I really hope you are right about the flashbacks, never in a million years did I think I would have to do CPR twice in a 2 year window , let alone doing CPR on my own mother.
I talk to one of my mates, but as you said there is only so much they can say, he is the only mate I have openly told that even before all of this I have battled suicidal thoughts and self harm and done so since age 13.
And yeah I agree as much as part of my mind tells me to end it, the other half tells me I would dishonour my mother and my father by doing anything like that.
So to some degree I feel trapped , I have lived so long for my parents, I honestly do not know where to start in regards to living for my self.
At the moment it's a bit difficult to get out of the house for a long amount of time not just due to covid but obviously with my dad being disabled and wheelchair bound then I can't go wandering far.
I could ask my older brother to sit with him for a few hours but he has his own family, wife and kids and what not so thats his life and I guess this is mine.
I guess the only positive in all of this is that when all is said and done, I can say I was always there for my mother and father even if it has ment my life has not really gone anywhere in my 32 years of living.
Yes, you’re in the grief process so it feels heavy and hard to process but the process doesn’t go on forever as long as you are working through it. It sounds like you feelstuck but you aren’t. You’re in a season. I gather by what you’ve said that you’re about 32. You have a lot of life ahead of you and it’s amazing how things can change and opportunities you never imagined can come up. I’m 55. I got married young and raised 4 kids. I was a stay at home mom and eventually homeschooled for a while. My life was for my kids and I never pursued any major interests or talents so when my youngest graduated, I felt lost. This is a normal place for most people for various reasons and life changes. It’s normal! That doesn’t mean it’s easy, by any means. I missed being a mom because it was all I knew. My oldest and youngest are 10 yrs apart so I was ‘mom’ for a looong time. However, I had to stop fretting and worrying and look at my interests and trying out a couple things. Since 2017 and actually just this year, I realized I love remodeling and entertaining so am now very excited about the plan and vision I came up with in September. The funny thing is it isn’t all so new. It was a loose idea but somehow, it seems like God was leading me and I had no idea. Point is, don’t give up on yourself. You’ve been very loyal to your parents but you have more possibilities in life. You should definitely get out as often as you can for your health. I’m careful with covid but I’m not letting it stop me. I do meet with friends and my kids. I try to stick to the same group of people. But I just returned from a trip to see my closest friend for her birthday. I mask up and wash up but I cannot isolate from the world. Like I said, I’m careful, but I don’t think it’s healthy to isolate. You do have your dads health to consider but make sure you are finding some time to get out. You need it to get through the loss of your mom. I realize your brother has a family and kids, however, he should be sharing in the care at some level. If he wants his kids to care for him someday, he needs to demonstrate it. If they only learn that if you have a spouse and kids you are exempt from caring for other family, it won’t teach the children to see past the ends of their noses. That’s just common sense info for you so you don’t release him from helping. He may not be able to devote as much time as you, but I would recommend coming up with a plan where he can regularly spend a chunk of time for you to get a day to yourself. It’s important!!!! As a mom, they recommended getting weekly breaks from the kids and it was one hour per year of age. I took this recommendation and so glad I did. Sometimes it didn’t work out if we all had illness or my husband was out of town on business and I could see the difference it made on my mental health and energy. I wasn’t trying to avoid the kids, rather, I was having the opportunity for a break. Being responsible for other people (kids or parents) is a Loving act but there needs to be personal time to allow for a rest for you. When my mom was dying it was so sad and so hard to watch. My sis lived 5 hours away but had a career. Since I homeschooled and my youngest were teens, I went 11
Hours to stay and care for my mom. I had a job to do but it was so hard and so sad. I didn’t cry and fuss in front of her as she was losing her brain along with the atrophy, and I could focus on her care, but my sis would come down on weekends when she could to give me a break. And we would get a home
care worker to come (we had no friends or other family in my moms city to help us) and we would go to a restaurant or a small shopping trip. It really helped to let me remember the world is still going and I’m
still a separate person from the circumstances. With your history and struggles with suicide, it is very important for you to invest in yourself. Even if it is to go to a coffee shop, eat some good food, read a book. Hang out with your mates, even if they don’t fully understand your grief. It’s okay to talk about it. They will one day go through it and they’ll recall what you shared and it will help them when they go through it. But make sure to set time for you to be you. We wear many hats through life. I kind of got stuck on the ‘mom’ hat and thought there would be no more fun or life once the kids were grown. But it was such an internal lie and now I am excited for getting to learn new things! Also, I feel younger than ever. Sometimes being a mum wore me out with kids up at night, always running, never ending meals and cleaning. I had fun with them but it was a lot of work and now I can go at an easier pace. My house is cleaner since there are less people making messes (my youngest who is 22 is about to get her first apartment...and I’m actually very excited and not sad!! Huge for me....I didn’t cope as well when the other three moved...she’s the lucky one who has happy mom and not mom who cries for feeling loss). We grieve many things in life but also have the joys. I don’t know if you read the Bible but there’s a phrase in there that I hold to, “there is a time to every purpose under heaven; a time to grieve and a time for joy...”. So, this is one of the harder times of life but the season will end. You will be able to have a life of your own. Your better memories of your mom will come back and you will think of many years of happy times. Just be patient with yourself. When you’re sitting with your dad, maybe you can look up things that may interest you. I did searches of careers that seemed interesting but mostly I just didn’t feel like anything popped out. I did get discouraged for a bit but I found things to do. I took a couple little jobs, volunteered, helped where I could for friends, husband, kids. I did make sure to stay connected with friends and they listened and prayed for me, and then my next phase just fell in place and then I realized how silly I was to be so fearful for three years. Now I realize that it was a Godsend because I needed the rest and downtime to recover from all the rigor of kids and teaching. Now I have renewed energy for the next season. I know that there will be seasons of other hard things...I already have had that. A friend passed away a year ago. She was only 49. Our kids grew up together. I miss her but I have been able to grieve with her husband and kids and be there for them. None of them have lost anyone close. When I lost my parents, none of my friends had experienced that. So, now I can share how to walk through it for her kids since they are young and have no one to relate to. You have a purpose, more than one. Don’t let grieving set negative thoughts in your head. You are very good in expressing yourself so I feel like that is one HUGE hurdle you have crossed. The heaviness of the grief will lift. It just doesn’t feel good at all and feels like it will never end, but it will begin to lift like a fog. I don’t mean to talk too much. I just know how hard it is to be in a place where no one can relate...or very few, anyhow. I had to research the grieving process and that was how I knew it was normal and that I needed to allow for myself to go through it.
Thanks really appreciate the reply, at the moment I go out about once a week and I am out for about two hours that's to do the food shop and take fresh flowers up to the grave.
I have not really thought about much else in terms of doing other things to get me out, and my best friend has gone back to base and won't be back until march.
My other friend/ex/we are still really close we just both needed time to sort are own lifes out plus she lives in England now.
I do have other friends but no where near as close to them as I am the other two, I speak to both of them openly about whats been going on and where my head is at.
Things are starting to settle a little, I do have my really down days but they are not everyday like they was at the start.
I do miss talking to my mother, even about the simplest of things and I do miss my dog and taking her out for her morning and sometimes night time walk.
Slowly I am adjusting to the empty feeling the house has, granted there are reminders everywhere of my mother and the dog, but they have there pro and cons in regards to remembering the good times I spent with them.
The cons obviously being I no longer have that option.
I continue to write in my journal , think I am at least 50 odd pages deep now , still not sure if it helps, but it has become a ritual writing in it at the end of everyday.
I was talking to my father and because my mother and he slept in separate beds because my dad has to be hoisted and what not , I said that eventually it would make sense to put my mother's bed upstairs in the spare room and for us to get a couch to put in the room in place of my mother's bed so when lockdown is over and people do come to see him if he is in bed they can sit down on a couch rather then my mother's bed.
I do feel bad having to do that because it's where my mother slept, but as I said to him this is are reality, my mother is not going to come walking through the door.
Practicality wise it makes sense to do , in the long run.
In regards to reading the bible , I use to pray, but after everything that happened these last 6 to 7 months its difficult to pray to something that seems intent on making you suffer.
Now I know some would say its to teach us life lessons yadda yadda yadda , but for me thats just an excuse , I see no life lesson in watching people you love suffer.
The only thing I take from that is that if there is a god then said God is cruel.
What I kind of find ironic is that most people are afraid of death or the thought of death, yet death does not judge , it comes to us all no matter age , sexuality, race or gender it does not care.
Now God, when you look at the Bible, this is a sin that is a sin just about everything is a sin, so that makes God more judgemental then death.
Yet as humans we seem to fear death more but get down on are knees and pray to something that will always judge us and punish us for whatever sins it thinks we have commited.
You really are processing well, it seems. You are realistic and facing the difficulty well! I applaud you. It sounds like you have some great friends and in the current situation you have good support regardless if they are near or far. Some of your phrases sound like you may not be in the USA or, if so, on the east coast. I live in the middle of the USA. If you don’t mind me asking, are you in the USA ? If not, where?
I’m sad to hear you feel God is cruel. He didn’t make us to suffer. He intended on us having eternal life and it is the willfulness of man to worship ourselves and other things before God that keeps us from Him and not Him from us. As far as everything being a sin, I’m not sure what you refer to and our different culture or faith backgrounds can determine our interpretation of who God is or the Bible’s meaning. I had to just take the Bible at face value and read it and talk to God about what I didn’t understand and pray that He would reveal anything I didn’t that I needed to know. God is about having a relationship with us. I make mistakes but I feel like the grace and mercy offered covers it and I desire to be in relationship with Him. I guess I don’t see God as setting me up to fail. But I used to when it was religion and not relationship. When my dad (and first parent you die) passed, I thought I would feel so far away from God. I don’t know how to explain it but when I was going through it I felt His presence near me. It was a weird comfort in my heart and I didn’t understand it but it felt like I was not all alone. While I felt Gods comfort I was conflicted because I was angry that I prayed for God to heal my dad and He didn’t. One of my close friends who also knew my dad stood by my side during the services and when I told her how I felt she smiled, held my hand and said that my dad has the ultimate healing. It transformed my thinking. Right before my dad died I had seen him and asked about a hymnal he had on his coffee table. He hadn’t been going to church for years so I didn’t know where he stood but he told me that day he had made his peace with the Lord and would sing in worship to him and just pray when he couldn’t do anything else being so ill. This was not a normal thing for him so at the funeral when my friend had my hand, I saw my dad not sick and happy and in Gods presence whole and no longer I’ll. I still missed him and he died much too young (63). As much as I wanted him here with me, I knew that no matter what, here he would age and have illness. I find comfort knowing he is happy. The Bible gives us some ideas of what being in the presence of Christ is like. I studied it more when my mom was dying. She was happy to go and be in Gods presence so in a sense she helped me cope with her death because she had 3 months to live when she found out she was sick and no cure. She had me read to her books about God and heaven and understanding our relationship with our Creator. I don’t mean to be preachy. I just mean to share that my perspective of God and eternity have changed from the fear of a mean God to one who adores me and loves when I talk to Him, sing, include Him in my life. I don’t know how to explain it but so many things seem to fall into place, maybe not instantly, but as I invite Him to be the Lord of my life. I have more peace for it and feel excited for what it will be like when it’s my time to leave the earth. Christianity has a bad reputation sometimes but I learned that the actual meaning of ‘Christian’, Christ follower, simplifies what God intended...and that was to make a way to Him. That’s been my journey.
I have enjoyed talking with you and feel like you are strong and will get through this just fine. The journaling is a good way to put your thoughts down and have them there always. I journaled with my moms death as a way to not forget as it was so hard with a sudden illness and death. I didn’t want to keep having it roll through my mind but I didn’t want to forget, either. Journaling allowed me to have those memories if I need to but not keep thinking about it over and over. It was a way to make myself not dwell on the traumatic death my mother suffered. It took a while for the memories to fade but the journal accelerated my healing of that. I will pray for you. I know it wasn’t easy to pray when my dad died because I felt so cheated and too young to lose a parent. I relied on others to pray on my behalf. I know I don’t know you but I’m proud of you and just want you to know you are going to make it through this. You are taking all the right steps. I wish I could give you a hug so consider yourself cyber hugged! Your mom would be so proud of you!
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