Unnerving Memories

[gilded_masquerade]

I’m hesitant to post this because I feel like this is something I should be over by now but it’s still affecting me and I realize that it’s probably going to for a while yet.

I’ve been doing well with keeping busy and taking up hobbies and haven’t really been bothered by this particular thing much but it has been hitting me here and there and it makes me feel pathetic for still allowing it to affect me.

For those who have been following me for a while or for those I’ve opened up to; I was in a VERY abusive relationship with a narcissist for almost 5 years and I had known him since I was 11 years old. Growing up, he was a HUGE part of my life, one of my best friend and ultimately my first boyfriend and whatnot. Our friends used to say that we were “destined” to be together and that claim only got worse when my family moved to the same town he had moved to.

I don’t feel like drudging up everything he’s done since we got back together but I will say that it’s enough to still affect me.

Some days, I’ll imagine him walking back into my room as if he never left. I see him when I go out despite him moving hours away as of last year. When I look in the mirror, I see one of two things: I see myself all battered, bruised and beaten and the shell of who I was when I was with him or I see him looking back at me. As much as I hate to even admit this, sometimes I see him in my current boyfriends place although they look nothing alike and are nothing alike.

Lately I’ve been having dreams about him too, about us getting back together as if I had forgotten everything that transpired until he finally sets his teeth back into me.

Not many people my age really understand this all was, especially since I had known him for 12 years and love to tell me to let it go and move on. I have been doing well and I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever he did to me had nothing to do with me but with himself and I’ve accepted that it’s done and over with but yet it’s like his shadow follows me and whenever I start doing better, it makes it’s presence known.

Those moments where it feels like he’s going to walk in my room are so real that it’s almost like he’s there and I want to scream and break down but I don’t, I just try to distract myself but it always happens again.

I have been doing better with all of this, I was actually feeling good about the progress I made and how far I’ve come since then and without him but like I said; whenever I start getting to that certain point of moving on, when I’m on the cusp, it slips back in, almost like it never left.

Again I was hesitant about posting this, I honestly feel ridiculous making yet another post about this but I wanted to scream into the void for a moment, for the sake of my sanity. No I don’t have the money nor the access for therapy and I’m not on meds and don’t want to go on them again after the last time. I’m sorry for this bummer post and I hope that my next one is in of a more positive nature.

I hope you’re all taking care of yourselves the best you can and that you’re having a good day/afternoon/night 🖤

[Hidden]

We can accept that something happened but it can still effect us. That is okay. What you went through was beyond traumatic and anyone would feel the same way. I didn't go through half of what you have and I still have moments like that. The other day I had a dream that I was begging my abusive ex to take me back. The thing we have to remember is there are emotions attached to our memories. Deep hurt that doesn't just fade away. Those feelings and how they impact us linger until we can learn to navigate them. This is no easy task. Being able to go through all the hurt and the pain is sometimes beyond overwhelming and it can make us feel like we never left. Getting hobbies is good and all but eventually they are just distractions that pull away from the real issues which is the underlying emotions or just the trauma itself. There is a very specific type of therapy for the kind of trauma you experienced, emdr therapy which might be helpful to you. If you can find someone who specialized in it. The events that happened to you are not easy to forget, nor are they easy to accept. It's going to take time to fully process everything. There is a lot of emotions that still exist about this. Anger, sadness, pain, misery, confusion, betrayal. Those are to just name a few. All of that is going to take time to work through and figure out. Keep taking things as they come and working towards a better you. That is wonderful and you should be proud of the progress you made. What you are experiencing is a a normal reaction and there is nothing wrong with you. Again, there is just so much tied into this that it's going to be overwhelming even years later. Take one thing at a time and maybe work on really processing one emotion at a time to help you work through this. If you are angry allow yourself to be and then work with it from there. What is it you are angry about? How does that effect you? What does it mean to you? And do this for each emotion individually as it comes. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and then make sure you take some time to be compassionate to yourself and to practice self care because you matter and deserve a break. I hope this made sense. I feel like I just rambled but feel free to message me if you would like.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

You raise some very good points, I just feel foolish and almost pathetic that I haven’t moved on completely yet. I know that that’s not realistic but with my own (unrealistically) high expectations of myself and with people telling me to “let it go” or “move on” or whatever else just makes me feel like I should have by now, despite knowing that’s not how it works.

It’s weird, for the most part, I forget what he looks like but I can still imagine him being around. How does that make sense?

It’s a defeating feeling, every time I start to feel better it hits me like a ton of bricks. I want to let go of it but it doesn’t seem to want to let go of me.

I also feel somewhat ridiculous because although I have gone through things in my life, I feel like I shouldn’t talk because there’s always going to be someone who has it worse. I know that’s a screwed up way of thinking but I guess I’ve become conditioned by that very thought.

I really like the idea of dealing with one emotion at a time, it’s something I haven’t considered. As ridiculous as it may sound, I had this system where when I’d close my eyes I’d have different coloured doors and sort out what memories or thoughts went were and the memories of all of this had its own door.

You didn’t ramble, and thank you. Missed talking to you 🖤

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

I get all of that. I am going through those similar thoughts. and I get so frustrated because people tell me the same thing. Just let it go and move on. It's not that simple and it never is. Especially when you have been hurt as deeply as we have. Don't ever let anyone say that you have not done enough because you have come so far and you should be so proud of yourself. Seriously you inspire me because if I am half as functional as you 3 years from now I will be beyond grateful. You really have come a long way and you should let yourself be one happy about it and 2 proud that you have been able to survive the pain you have had to endure. Healing isn't a race, we are all different and so long as you are doing what is best for you, that is what is important.

I know what you mean about feeling defeated. I had such a small event happen to me that literally made me break down and relapse. I have not been able to get out of the FFF response (flight, fight, or freeze) for weeks now. I ended up having to go to the hospital and it was just a pain in the ass because it truly was such a small event. It's something that doesn't even register for most people and it basically broke me all over again. I even fell into my spiral of depression and I stopped taking care of myself and began having really negative thoughts. So I get what you mean by things still coming up and effecting you and how frustrating that is. But we both need to learn to be more compassionate to ourselves. Healing is never linear and sometimes we are going to fall. It's just going to happen but we have to remind ourselves that we are worth investing in and that our past doesn't get to define the people we want to be. You are allowed to be hurt by what happened and there is no set rule for what it means to "get over" something. So work at your own pace. Work to make yourself the best person you can possibly be and do it because you are worth it. I hope my words have helped. And I am glad I made sense. I have been super out of it lately so that is nice to hear. I missed talking to you too.

[RupertBrown]

There's a community on Reddit (r/survivorsofabuse) that you may find helpful. There's about 20k members, most of which can probably relate directly to what you've gone through. I found a subreddit for victims of CSA there that has helped me immensely. When you can't afford therapy, having forums where you can interact with fellow survivors is hugely helpful. Sorry for what you've been through and how you're feeling now. Hoping there's better days ahead!

[gilded_masquerade in reply to RupertBrown]

I didn’t know that so thank you for the suggestion! I will be sure to check it out. Thank you for your concern, I really appreciate it 😌

I hope that you’re doing well, take care 🖤

[gilded_masquerade]

I think it’s harder for them to get even remotely close to understanding why we’re still affected by such things because they haven’t been through it themselves. As bad as it sounds, I kind of wish someone my age that I know personally went through something similar so I had someone to relate to but that isn’t the case.

I find it funny that you say that because you inspire me honestly. I know you’re still having a difficult time with everything but you’re still here and still fighting, I wish I had that kind of strength and resolve...some days I feel like I could be on top of the world and others I feel like I’m on the verge of falling apart, there’s really no in between.

I’m sincerely sorry to hear that such an event happened to you and that it led you to the hospital, I hope you’re doing better and taking care of yourself. Don’t forget to eat and hydrate!

I’ve never actually heard that before “no set rule for what it means to “get over” something”, that’s actually very insightful and ground breaking for me to hear so I sincerely thank you for saying that.

Take care of yourself T.T 😌🖤

[mauv]

Do you have a women’ abusive group thru your County or Town? That would be free. Sounds like you have a lot of baggage from this a busive relationship you need to work on. Also check out Co-dependency 12 step group. You need to process this as it won’t go away. Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to mauv]

We don’t, we have virtually next to nothing for mental health at all where I am. Most people end up staying in the mental ward which isn’t good but that’s the reality of where I am.

My parents were both in the military and I have a younger autistic brother so I put my “adult pants” on at an early age which led me into some more traumatic situations regarding sexual abuse. I did everything I could to protect him even if it meant I was in danger.

That’s a whole other thing but it still affects me just as much because I didn’t tell my parents about those instances until I was in grade 12 when it happened in grade 3 (at a babysitters that my brother and I both attended). Don’t have anything here for trauma either. I actually even messaged the mayor and he agreed that there should be more mental health resources where I live but he never did anything, he decided benches were more important as I guess he spent something like $100,000 or something ridiculous like that on them?

I have no way into the city nor the money to be seeing someone professional either which blows but c’est la vie 🤷🏻‍♀️

[mauv]

I hope I didn’t come on to ordering it is just I am concerned for you and want you to get some help.

[mauv]

Do you have a library where you live?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to mauv]

Yeah but it’s closed right now due to Covid, the town is even talking about getting rid of it entirely which I think is ludicrous but I am but one person 🤷🏻‍♀️

[mauv]

See if there is a support group for abused women or codependency group on Healthunlocked. They have many groups

[gilded_masquerade in reply to mauv]

I shall do that, thank you 🖤

[Arniestal]

Have you got a sort of ptsd? I can understand you many many years ago I was abused by a husband I was very youngFor years and years certainly 20 I was still there in my head. Got to one point when I said to myself you have to let it go it's still ruining your life. Don't let it take as many years though. Sounds like you need counselling.

I've been thinking of ptsd lately, lost mum 4 years ago and my head keeps going back to the hospital, to the undertakers. I think ptsd is in many forms. Best of luck

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Arniestal]

My boyfriend thinks I do not just with this particular instance but with some other unresolved trauma from my youth and one of our friends who does have it and some other mental illnesses says it sounds like I do.

It’s funny, the last time I saw a counsellor, I was going to try to help my panic attacks and depression. I had mentioned this whole instance and my other traumas but never really dove into it whereas I talk to friends or people I barely know about it. I have a bad habit of over sharing at times 😅

But I don’t know, I always thought that that was strange

I hope all is well with you and please take care 🤗🖤

[san_ray70]

My daughter had similar problems to you a long time ago. Despite bringing up a daughter she still suffers from depression. A lot of things have changed in her life, well I think they have. She will not answer me when I call, so unless I see my grandaughter who is 21 on face book or talk to her partner I do not know.

[blacklabs in reply to san_ray70]

san rey with us its a baby seven months old only seen twice since he was born. We could go to law courts. But I feel its bad enough for him. My sons partner has fallen out with her family and our side so he has no one. Our son changed he became aggressive stopped contacting as much then when we did see him he looked drained tired running about after her after a twelve hour night shift. She lives on drama every thing about her . I walked in on it one day our son sat crying he was so stressed. She sat there and said all the drawings that he did in childhood are rubbish. To my astonishment our son agreed with tears running down his face. At the time I was ill undiagnosed this had such effect on me I had a break down.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to san_ray70]

For a long time I had a really hard time finding someone to talk to about it. My boyfriend was a friend I met through my ex (they weren’t friends by any means but we live in a small town so 🤷🏻‍♀️) and he doesn’t want to hear about it which I completely understand, I shouldn’t be going to him about this because it’s not fair to him.

My ex lived with my family. Everyone in his family except his dad and twin brother were SO dysfunctional, it made me understand why he was just as messed up. But his mother, she enabled him when it came to how he is.

3 days after I broke up with him, she texted me asking how I was then asked me to take him back because “he got a haircut and a change of clothes”.

My parents feel guilty about letting him live here and for not knowing what happened behind my closed bedroom door. My mum with her Irish/Swedish temper usually starts to turn red in the face and has to “go kill something” (her way of saying she needs to hop onto world of Warcraft to blow off some steam) she’s gotten better and said that she may not like it but it’s better than me sitting with it. My dad wants me to move on, and so do I obviously. He will talk to me here and there but this is something I feel more comfortable talking to my mum about.

I’m sorry you don’t have much contact with her, I hope that someday soon, that changes.

Thank you for sharing this with me, please take care 🤗🖤

[blacklabs]

A narc will never change no matter how much love there is they are damaged their world is turmoil that is what keeps them secure in their life its almost a comfort its sad because empathic people feel for them but you cannot get them out of the routine that may have possibly been installed into them from childhood. . It hurts so deep all we want to do is help them but they are beyond help. They need professional help that you cannot give them. You are making good progress love and look after you. You said it yourself you are having good days don't turn back move forward. I am thinking of you . You can do this.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to blacklabs]

You’re right. I tried hard to help him for a long time, and of course he only decided to “change his ways” when it was too little too late. Not like it would’ve happened even if I had folded as I often did before.

I tried loving him for as long as I could until I realized the person I once loved was long gone and had been for a long time.

I don’t know if he was like this in childhood, he seemed like a regular kid to me but maybe my memories are wrong, but my mum has even said he was nothing like this then, but who really knows.

It’s actually kind of scary, since the breakup (4 years ago on the 31 of July) he will message me out of the blue about whatever. I can’t block him sadly because he always blocks me first. The only good thing is that he lives a few hours away from me now last I heard but I guess it doesn’t matter much if it’s almost like some days he’s still here.

I’m trying to move forward but I find it terrifying, I know; cliche 😅

Thank you for the kind words, I hope you’re doing well 🤗🖤

[SoberDrunk1]

The segment "Duck with a Human mind" in the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle beautifully illustrates how the human mind keeps the old incidents alive by "Creating drama in the head" while most other species dont do that. They just live in the current moment.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to SoberDrunk1]

I’ve never actually thought of it that way, I’ll have to look into it! Thank you 😊🖤

[Gentlespirit]

The library will accept a hold on books to be picked up when available. Check with your library. Also check with support groups in your area and theres information available online through youtube Medcircle Psych2go Dr. Tracey Marks Therapy in a Nutshell an Slightly Better. There may be other things going on too and bringing the unconscious to the conscious can be more than unsettling . Please be patient and compassionate with yourself.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Gentlespirit]

Thank your for all of the suggestions I will be sure to check them all out! And that’s true, I find it odd but for some reason this sort of instance seems to hit me in spring the most and I don’t really know why since the breakup happened in summer. In actuality it affects me whenever but it’s usually the most prominent at the beginning of a year.

Thank you and I hope that you’re doing well.

Take care 🤗🖤

[Pel3749]

Hi, there must be a community based organization that offers some mental health support by you. Try to google it and take advantage of their support system, you will feel much better and know that you are not alone. Keep in touch and God Bless

[FOF9303]

I am so sorry that you are still struggling. Don't be hard on yourself or feel that you should apologize for having these feelings/thoughts. You are absolutely doing the right thing by reaching out. Since you said you cannot do therapy right now, try reading some info here bit.ly/3cuJzrZ -- lots of varying information to help you get through these difficult moments. When those destructive thoughts start to seep in, feed your mind with the truth by choosing to shift channels and focus on the right things. Hope things start to turn the corner for you soon.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to FOF9303]

Thank you for the link and the kind words. It’s just difficult sometimes and I wish I was over it already 😅

Thank you again!

Hope you’re doing well, take care 🤗🖤

[HopeandOptimism]

So so sorry, I feel your pain. I understand abuse. It does not just go away, even with the passing of time. I think so many have given good thoughts, especially endof heartache. This is a journey that takes a long time. Often, more than not, the pain of what happened can be triggered and comes back....and you feel the same feelings all over again. So, the pain may not go away but you learn to live alongside it better. You don't let it take over or control you. But without help and a compassionate ear, that is hard to do. You had some good suggestions. You can also call 800.799.SAFE (7233) which is the domestic abuse hotline. They will speak to you and they may also provide resources free of cost that could help. If you are a woman of faith, reach out to your church, they usually can help as well. There are abuse support groups which are also free. You want to deal with this. You want to heal. You can and you will. Please know that. You do not need to be defined by this. Please do not feel ridiculous. I applaud you for being honest, for sharing what is going on. I wish you peace and I so hope you make yourself a priority. Be gentle with your self. I hope your current relationship also adds to your healing.