Feeling abandoned

[pandaeyes1]

So I stopped taking my antidepressant on my own a week ago. I talked to my psychiatrist about it today, and she told me that I don’t have to see her anymore since I’m not taking meds. I understand the thought process, but what I don’t understand is why I feel so distressed and hurt by this. It’s not as if I don’t understand the logic of this. But I feel so much so as if I were just given up on again. I know it’s stupid.

[kenster1]

can you appeal it just because you come off meds doesn`t mean all is rosy in your life not unless you feel ready to move on in life.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to kenster1]

I don’t know if I can? If they don’t want to see me, then I don’t know what I can do?

[kenster1 in reply to pandaeyes1]

yeah but if you think they are wrong you can request a second opinion.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to kenster1]

That’s true ... it feels more like apathy than incorrect diagnosis though .... I don’t know. I’m just being stupid.

[Hidden]

Pandaeyes,

I'm not going to criticize you for this because I've done the same thing. Several years ago I took myself off Orfiril for 3 weeks. I did this because I hated being someone who was controlled by medicines. In short, I'm saying that I get it!

I want to share with you what my psychiatrist said once I got up the courage to tell her what I had done. She said that I am essentially tying her hands behind her back by not taking what she had prescribed to help me.

I don't know why your psychiatrist said what they said; I can only speculate what she means and I think it has to do with being frustrated that her patient is not taking her help. I bet you anything that she is not giving up on you in the least; she only wants to help you.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Hidden]

I know. I understand where my psychiatrist is coming from. It’s just hard because I don’t think she cared enough about why I stopped them. It felt like she stopped listening/caring once she heard I stopped them. I feel like I’m just being too sensitive and irrational.

But thank you for your reply. I appreciate it.

[Hidden in reply to pandaeyes1]

You are welcome.

You feel what you feel. You might think that your feelings are irrational to an outsider, but to you they are not. To you they are very real. Everyone and their mothers are going to have an opinion on how you react; it can be quite frustrating I know!

I understand where you are coming from with feeling hurt and like she just gave up on you. It's important to let people know how they make you feel sometimes. Do you still have sessions with her or are you finished? If you still have sessions with her, woud you be comfortable telling her your rationale for quitting the medication? From what I hear you saying, you need to get your side told. You deserve that much.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your words. It’s definitely really tough feeling validated in my own emotions, which I think is really silly since I have no problem empathizing and understanding this in anyone else’s situation.

I’m not sure. I have to call and see if she still wants to set up another appointment. I’m really scared of being honest about it. I’ve had really frustrating and negative experiences with psychiatrists for most of my life unfortunately.

[Hidden in reply to pandaeyes1]

You're welcome😊

Yep, I get it. We are our own worst critics. I am also very hard on myself. I have no problem being patient and understanding with others, but translate that patience and understanding to myself...yeah, right!

I'm sorry that you've had bad experiences with psychiatrists. I can understand your hesitation then. What a shame, though, to be hurt by those who are supposed to be a support.

As far as being afraid to be honest with her: to tell you the truth, I would be very surprised if she didn't hear you out. In fact, I would be surprised if you were her first patient to have done this.

Although it's been many many years since I took myself off my medication, I remember feeling really apprehensive about telling my psychiatrist. I actually told my mom first so that I would get used to the idea of a possible "blow up". I don't remember how my mom reacted, but I do my psychiatrist. She was surprised at first, but once I told her my rationale (not liking to be controlled by the medication) she worked through those feelings with me.

How are you feeling off the medication?

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah .... it kinda hurt more than I expected when she was kind of flippant and compared my medication compliance was like being in an abusive relationship. I’m not doing great myself, but I don’t really want to talk to that psychiatrist. Feels weird when they told me they don’t have a reason to talk to me, you know?

[Hidden in reply to pandaeyes1]

Yes, words can hurt. Not feeling like you're being taken seriously hurts too. We want people to listen and care about us when we're hurting, so I understand it being really hard to hear those words.

I wouldn't feel well if I was off my medication either. Could you maybe try again? (No criticism here; I just want you to feel better). I mean, I'd hate for you to be suffering needlessly.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Hidden]

I think it just furthers proves to myself that I’m not worth the time and my symptoms must not be that severe anyway. Iono. I know logically this is unhealthy thinking, but I can’t figure myself out of that loop.

Maybe. I’m just so tired of taking meds. And to what end? I genuinely don’t think I’ll be completely depression free at any point in my life,‘so I just feel like this is going to be a lifelong process of changing meds and adding meds. And I don’t want to do that Antilles.

[Hidden in reply to pandaeyes1]

Of course you're worth it!! I can't speak to the severity of your symptoms, but I do know that you're worth it! Would it help to know that you are not the only one who has to contend with the thoughts in your second paragraph (again, this is not to make you feel bad).

[Ragdoll15]

Psychiatrists usually deal with medication and if you stop taking them they presume you feel better unless the reason you stopped was because they were not working or you had bad side effects from them, then they would probably offer an alternative. The other alternative would be to ask to be referred to a psychologist for talking therapy.

Because of the covid virus I think they are overstretched with more patients which does not help matters. I am experiencing a long waiting time to see my psychiatrist. Don't give up if you feel you need further support.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Ragdoll15]

Thanks. It’s just hard to get a psychiatrist in the first place, and I feel like I already took so much effort and time and energy to find one. Kinda feels like it’s not recognized? Sometimes I feel like the psychiatrists don’t understand how hard it is for me to make these appointments and keep them. It’s not a big thing I know, but it’s really stressful and hard for me. I don’t know...

[pandaeyes1]

Yeah... that’s what I thought, but she kind of just lost interest? I don’t know what it is. Yeah, Im just overall really frustrated with taking meds and feeling so blunted. I mean yeah my depressive episodes are not as bad as before, but I’m also not interested or excited in anything which I experienced still before.

[Becket70]

Find a different psychiatrist. One who will listen to what you are really saying. Also I would never recommend cold turkey without one, letting your psychiatrist know so they can watch for problem signs, such as new suicidal tendencies. And two, decreasing the amount over time. Even just a week would be helpful. Your body and your mind get to the point they rely on that doseage. Not always to the point of addiction, but even divers need to come to surface slowly to avoid physical issues. Anyway, find someone else. If you don’t want to take drugs, there are people out there who want to work with you. Good luck.

[TheLongDream]

It's not stupid. I would feel betrayed, abandoned, left for financial benefits. Now, when you have stopped your meds, the therapist should be next to you even more. It doesn't make sense. It makes me shiver from inner cold. Cold in my soul. Just remembered, that ABBA have a song, and the lyrics are 'There's gotta be rock'n'roll, to fill the hole in my soul'..I like ABBA so much.