For 10 years of marriage I kept thinking I could make him happy. The result is me losing myself and losing any support system I had or could have had.
I care about him and want the best for him. I want him to be happy. It's just not possible with me. I've realized I can't even be myself around him because it stresses him out.
He wants us to just be a happy family. He doesn't want to separate. Codependency is comfortable for him. It's driving me into deep depression.
I feel like I've been giving my all to pull him out of a deep, muddy hole, to the point of actually getting down in there and pushing him above me up to the surface . Yet he puts in very little effort, moping all the way, like he'd rather just stay in the hole. I get him to where he can sit on the edge of the hole, but he doesn't try to stand up. Now I'm in the hole. No one can see me anymore, no one knows I'm here. No one is reaching down for me either. When I try to climb out, I can't get past his feet. They are dangling in the hole. He's not moving up. And he's in my way of climbing out. And if I somehow got out, he'd fall back in and everyone would say "Why'd you leave him to fall in that hole? Where have you been? We've seen him on the edge of that hole for so long! And we didn't see you even trying to get him away from that hole. You have done nothing to help him. We'll get him out and as punishment you deserve to be in the hole instead."
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AlyR
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You deserve happiness and good days just as much as anyone else in this world. I respect what you’re doing, and i know it’s easier said than done but why does it come at the cost of your sanity? I’m not saying leave him, or stop helping him but, it sounds like you need to find yourself again and strengthen that bond with yourself before you try and help him fix himself. keyword: help. bc ultimately he can only really repair what’s broken in him. you’re amazing for trying, i hope you know that.
I can totally understand your point of view, and in some ways I feel guilty because I suffer with depression and I wonder if this is how some people I've known view me. It can be hard to really know when to push someone and try to use a little tough love and when to instead just have compassion and let someone know I'm here for you. I can sense your frustration. I believe it's important not to have the idea that your spouse is your everything. You still need to have some friends of your own and some dreams and goals of your own and not be so enmeshed with everything to do with him. It's a balance. I'm obviously not a therapist or counselor, I'm just thinking if you're feeling overwhelmed, you may want to ask him to have some other people he talks to and relies on for support or help like his own friends and relatives or a therapist rather than always coming to you. And maybe some couples therapy could help both of you. That's just what I was thinking, I know I don't really know you, just take what resonates.
Thank you for your understanding. I finally convinced him to go to therapy. He has not kept any friends... it's kind of his last resort honestly. We went to couples therapy once last year but I did not like the therapists at all. She was overly polite and he wasn't really open. It wasn't a good combination. I want him to work on himself for a bit before we try therapy together again.
For me, I am coming to realize that much of my depression, came from substance abuse and codependency.
Ignoring the substance abuse since it’s irrelevant to anything with this post. My co dependency caused me large amounts of stress. I too once thought, I’m ok with it. I was comfortable. So I thought. Breaking those chains was the best thing I could have ever done. How I did it? Questioning myself and learning to be on my own.
I’m learning that, because of co dependency, the thought of no one around scared the shit out of me, bringing like I said stress. After the stress reeled in, self defeating thoughts came in. I never felt I was doing a good enough job in pleasing or satisfying the things I depended on, because the things I depended on, I would mindlessly release my stress onto them and then blame them for my stress. And it just created so much confusion and a distorted illusion that started an even bigger problem which left me confused halfway writing this hahahha
He needs to realize that his distorted thoughts of comfort with co dependency play a large role with his depression. I only speak from my personal experience and am trying to help. I’m not a professional.
I fully support you, 100%, because one of my biggest mistakes in my life was, getting in the way of a loved ones happiness. I’m glad I caught that and realized that.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live life. I can tell you also have an enormous heart for investing 10 years. That’s a lot. I admire your kindness and love for him. That’s awesome.
I’d say sit down and seriously touch base on that topic. Read a book, learn about the harm of codependency and educate him if he doesn’t want to do it himself. If still no change, hey, you matter just as much as him and you gave your fullest. You need to be and deserve to be happy as fuck. So be happy.
Much love to you and I hope you two find the best solution with this.
Thank you for sharing. I have done my best to educate him over the years. I am always eager to improve myself so I've always sought out self help. I'm sort of exhausted trying to help him understand. He's finally in therapy. Once he's worked on himself we can start figuring out our marriage situation.
AlyR, you started out meaning well by reaching out to help your husband. But this is what happens when we give our all with no results. And that is the fact that now, you too, are
drowning with him.
Who's going to save you? He's certainly not able to.
With all your strength AlyR, it's time to love yourself enough to reach for professional
help for your husband. This has proved to be more than you can handle. I think that I
read you have children, if so, your responsibility is to them first.
Your living situation (although financially ideal) is not making it easier for either of you.
I'm hoping that talking with this group of caring people will open your eyes to what needs
to be done next. Many here are in the same situation. There is strength in number and I
think you need support around you right now. Glad you are here. xx
I appreciate your response. I found this network in a desperate attempt recently because I've found myself without any support, let alone someone who understands.
Your post was poetic and indicates you are a sensitive person. Your words made me feel you still love your husband?? Your post also reminded me of "Fireproof" which is a book and movie about marriage. You might want to check them out. Both have helped our marriage in the past. Hope it will help yours, too.
I care a lot about him. He is a wonderful dad to our children. But I don't feel like we are compatible. I'm currently in the healing process from childhood trauma and now realize I married someone who was "good enough" for my mother... my mother whom "I* was never good enough for. Besides our children, were doing have shared interests, opinions, etc. Honestly, I was trying to be what he needed this whole time, I neglected to find my own interests, passions or hobbies. And I don't feel like I can grow *with* him.
I would be sensitive to the issue if I were in your place. I never found that porn enhanced my life or my relationships. I found it was a pathology . I participated and condoned it because I was needy. Perhaps you can find another route. I would not suggest going down the same path I did.
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xx
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