With the wrong ******** person!! :(

[Siempre18]

So....I'm with this stupid guy I thought would be the one. At the beginning we were best of friends for about 4 years never even saw him in that way...but like a brother type... one point in time we started to hang out alot doing alot together.... when we were together was like the world didn't exist around us just us! Felt nice. I don't think i ever felt that! About 6 months in he lies knowing how i have trust issues and ******* detest lies!!! Get this about something i already knew he was planning on doing smh so ******** sad!! I should of have let go right then and there....I know once someone lies to me i can't see them the same! I've tried and tried but he just keeps lying about anything small smh I can't be myself...I feel like I can't even talk to him i don't.... just keeping alot in smh I know it's not good! Smh I try to explain but I get nowhere he doesn't want to comprehend the words coming out my mouth!! I've told him I'm unhappy, I don't feel he's the right person for me! At the beginning and as friends I truly felt he calmed me now he's my biggest trigger!!! And then he puts this dumb face like he doesn't know what he's doing smh it's frustrating!!! He has thrown things in my face that I've told him to use it against me smh he understands nothing!!! I'M the one with issues his lying and not owning up to anything is not a problem smh....I really don't know why I stay... the illusion I had in my head still look forward to it!? I wanted a best friend plus everything else in top! I thought I found it! I felt I can be myself and be open and did things I never thought I would do but he made me feel comfortable and safe and secure! Now I feel the total opposite smh 🤦 😪 and it all started going down hill when he lied!!! I also feel very disappointed in myself smh I've fallen in a space where I said I never wanted to be! I don't know why but for some reason it's really really really hard for me to let go! Have to go through alot even though I know I shouldn't I do it to myself smh I came up with the conclusion I stay until I've had enough enough and know that nothing in the world will bring me back! And I say this but I get laughed at or my threats are idle... which I really don't see as threats more like warnings but no ***** given smh.... I promise I'm not a bad person I do have major anxiety and hard to control my mouth especially after it's been obvious shown my feelings are not considered... when he laughs or says a stupid remark my heart starts to beat really fast I get shaky can't stay still!! And most of all I want to jump on top of him and beat him until he ******* understands!! He makes it seem I can turn it off. Like I like to be this way smh and him not understanding makes everything so much harder especially because i really thought he understood me. I'm feeling like there is no one out there for me! Only if I can be understood and not yelled at I know I can be better....I just want to be genuinely happy...I felt it for a short time . .. then I think how genuine really was it? I'm also very mad at myself i tried to make myself believe something I knew I can never live with! I was so in love with this guy really was!!! Now smh I don't even know....I think I'm really holding on to an illusion! I expected alot! That's where I went wrong! I'm also realizing maybe relationships aren't for me!! I don't know how to forgive I hold grudges and nothing will be the same....I feel he doesn't help me!! For whatever reason it bothers and hurts! I'm really tired! Have to motivate myself!! He says I only can help me! I shouldn't need help from him! Smh like what the really ****?! A constant roller coaster.....I know I've been all over the place expressing myself...but can anyone relate to anything I'm saying? I didn't think it was going to be hard to post but already typed... I'm not really one to open up to anyone I'm actually a bit antisocial.... rather be around animals!!! Humans are mean!!!! It's why I'm really going to give this a try maybe there are others like me?! And doing it!

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I would say do a self assessment to get an idea where you're at then figure out the best option for you. I'm sorry you are so stressed right now. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks

[Scrabble65]

This is why we need a couple years before knowing whether a person is right for us. No rushing in to get married or live with each other either. I am living proof that it is a disaster in the making. Get out while you can, it's still early in the relationship. Took me 20 years.