I’m going through a break up after 12 years of relationship. I feel lonely and feel like I’m stuck, I don’t know how to move forward. I keep begging him to take me back, I feel like I don’t have dignity. I lost myself in the relationship and I don’t know how to gain myself back.
Break up: I’m going through a break up... - Anxiety and Depre...
Break up
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Hope202030
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I know you may not be in a place to receive this. But it is true. We overrate and romanticize the people we are with for a long time. But they are probably not that great, and when you are not aching badly you can remember some of the things that back that up. You will find yourself again. It may take some time, do not be impatient with yourself. You were someone before that relationship, probably someone awesome. You will rediscover and fall in love with yourself again,and then life, and then when the time is right,soneone who fits into the place you would in be in in your life, at that point.
Thank you so much! You know what? I was awesome!. I know deep deep down this was for the best. But it hurts so much, specially when I don’t have my family with me, they live far away. I depended so much on him for so long that I feel that I would never get out of this.
Yeah I get what you mean. I know it's even more painful when you depended on them for a lot and now you have to worry about things you never had to worry about before. But think of it as taking back control of your life. It can feel empowering. And the fact that you can reach out here and talk to someone, shows that the awesome badass you once were, is still in there taking care of you. You will be fine. We are with you.
Omg!!! Thank you for your words. They touch my soul!!.
12 years is quite an investment of time and energy. I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time, and I hope you won't give up on investing that time and energy into yourself, self-care, and regaining who you are. I have been there. I got walked out on after an 11 year relationship and I fell apart. I begged and pleaded and tried everything to get her to come back and felt like my entire world was shattered. Also, a lot of the time, the feedback I would get from others would be to "just move on." Of course that doesn't help. I am wishing you all of the strength and courage you need to get through the hard stuff. You can do this, just take your time and be kind to yourself. <3
Thank you so much!!. I begged so much too, as soon as this morning, when deep down I know that I shouldn’t been doing that. But how do I stop? I don’t know.
I hear you and I feel you. For me, it was almost a compulsion to reach out and/or beg and plead. So much of who I thought I was was wrapped up in that other person. If I wasn't in a relationship with them, then I had nothing. That's how it felt. Partly, I think, there was a need to feel "in control" again. If I could JUST say one more thing to them, then they'd hear me and come back. It was my attempt at controlling something I had no control over. The best I can say is that, when I looked at my desire/need to beg and plead and try to maintain contact as me acting out of compulsion and a need to control, then I was able to get a little clarity. How did I gut through it? Anytime I felt the desire to reach out to them again, I would a)acknowledge the extreme pain and loss that I was feeling and b)I would do anything I could to distract myself so it would postpone me contacting them... even for an hour, an afternoon, a day. Want to send that tearful text? I made myself go for a walk. Needing to "just make one more point?" I'd jump in the shower or clean the kitchen. I know it sounds like weak sauce, but distracting myself was the only way I could do it. Also, I wrote a LOT of letters that I never mailed. I wish I could give better advice that would help ease the pain of it for you, but acknowledging your suffering and telling you you're not alone is the best I can do. Ending a relationship always sucks. I'm rooting for you.
• in reply toevilspicy
Just wanted to say that your response to the original post is spot on, I felt exactly those feelings myself when my partner left, you describe it perfectly, I experienced all of those feelings.
It's so difficult overcoming a breakup, even when you know it's for the best, it just feels like you can't stop trying desperately to get back what you once had, but eventually we have to accept the hurt and remind ourselves that we are loveable and capable of finding love again xx
Thank you for your kind words. It’s amazing how can identify with your words because it’s exactly how I feel.
You hang in there! you're gonna get through this and when you come out the other side of the grief. you'll be stronger.
Thank you!! I really hope so!.
You just have to continue to tell yourself that contacting them is only going to extend the hurt and that it’s best to not contact them.
You’re right. Thank you so much!.
When do you guys break up? Give yourself a lot of time to heal. Someone new and better will come along and make you very happy. You will find yourself again but a better version of you 💕 please update us on how you’re doing!
Hope202030• in reply to
It hasn’t even been a week, I know it’s super early, but I rather look for help and support now specially when I’m alone with my child in a new place, because we just moved because of his job and now we’re alone. It’s super hard.
I get it. I am there too
I am drawing close to God b/c He is pure love. Its hard b/c I cant see God but sometimes I feel Him and the love is incredible. Ask God to reveal himself to you.💔
I can relate, I ended a 20 year relationship. It was Now I See a dead end One. I should have ended it LONG time ago. We Never even lived together, he’s always lived with his parents and made excuses why he lived with them? Honestly I don’t feel anything? I kinda miss him, but we argued SO much I don’t MISS that. He was controlling, Iam in therapy, I overheard him tell my daughter he wasn’t going to do that. SO one person cannot fix it. If he Cared at All he would GO. PLEASE Stop begging him to take You back it just feeds his Ego. Get counseling, I feel like it’s helping Me. 😷🙏
You will survive the breakup, but it won't come quickly and it won't be pain free for awhile. I got out of a 32 years relationship and marriage and it hurt like all get out. Give yourself time to get balanced. It took me a ton of crying, therapy and some very patient friends to get to the point that I felt ok, not great but ok. One thing I did for myself was move into a friend's home for 7 months. I was 48 and had never lived on my own. I knew I couldn't handle all that came with creating a life for myself if I lived on my own. Good luck, your on your way.
You guys are so awesome and strong. And giving us the hope and encouragement we need.
It especially has to be,difficult because you have a,child together. He or she may feel like they caused their parents to break up. Try to figure out with your ex what the custody arrangements will be. And I think seeing a therapist or counselor would be a good idea.
Hello Hope,
My relationship ended after 16 yrs.My partner cheated on me with a married woman 14 yrs older(age does not matter),and I was so crushed.It will get better,but it does take time.
I was 48 when this happened,and I am just now after 3 months since this breakup getting ready to move into a friends home because I had to go back to my parents..nowhere to go,when this happened I was left with only my clothes and 2 boxes of things from former home.
You also will get better as days go by.
I would suggest not contacting this person that just makes it worse for u better for them.
I took a lot of walks,talked to friends for support and I do feel I am in a much,much better place now and happier.,(u will reach this point also in time)and I can see now this person was not meant to be in my life.
Take Care.
You are strong and awesome. Thank you for sharing.
I'm reading with awe at people who have left and made their way. 28yrs married and have been unhappy but dependent on my spouse. Scared to make it on my own. No family. No friends. I have been isolated taking care of kids who grew up and don't need me (mentally ill Mom-their dad is the hero). Each day - is a struggle. Impressed others made it.
Thank you everybody for your messages. Today I feel a little sad and missing him, trying my best not to text him. I guess this comes in waves?.
Yes it does. Hope, I'm trying my best not to do that too, text my ex. It's been six days now, and that is a record for me. Maybe let's try this together? And coming back here and reading other people's problems and trying to support them as well is kind of helping me with this not texting my ex thing. And doing other stuff I enjoy. But the pain is real and I'm not trying to deny it. I am feeling it and trying to accept it.
Thank you for being here. This place has helped me. Knowing that we’re not alone and we can lift each other.
I’m so proud of you, you are very strong, you’re going through the same thing and you gave me so strong advice. We can do this!.
I just thought I'd mention that I was with someone for 20 years and we split up, we have no children. For at least a few months I didn't text or call him and for awhile I just thought we should make a clean break and all that. However I have to admit that once in awhile, like once every two or 3 weeks we do text or call each other for a little while and I always make it VERY clear we are NOT ever getting back together but in some ways we still are friends and neither one of us is dating anyone else so as long as we have a real understanding and no one is leading anyone on, who's to say that's wrong??? It's a process letting someone go that you were with for a long time, it's not easy for everyone involved whether you're the one pushing him away or it's the other way around. People do feel guilty and know they may have said or done some stupid things but from my point of view when it's gets to where you seem to be arguing all the time and you both just seem to be making each other miserable it's best to cut your losses and try to work on yourself. In my situation I think we're better off being acquaintances than trying to make the relationship work. I can't help him with some things and the separation has been a good thing.
He keeps playing with my mind, like he wants to move forward but then he’s like I don’t know. I need his help to move forward (money wise) since I’ve been a sahm. He says I got it and our child. But I’m staying at his place, ours before all this, because his deployed(coming back next month), then he’s like “you can stay in the other bedroom” like really???!??? No, it’s clear he moved on already. He calls our child while playing PS4 and ignores her(he’s 40). I’m just scare he’s going to take her away from me because I don’t have a place to go. My family is been telling me that even though we weren’t married I have rights, 12 years loving together. That he needs to get us a place until I settle down. I don’t know.
Living*
How are you doing now?
Hello, thanks for asking. Well, my sityis a little peculiar. He was deployed for over 2 months and I was staying at his place for the mean time. He came back, and let me tell you, it has been horrible, he met somebody else and he’s all confused because he didn’t think I was going to change so much for the good, I was so depressed before and in those months I started to work super hard on myself and to love myself, he didn’t expect that. He fell out in love of the old me and it’s like he’s trying to fell in love with the “new” me, but it hasn’t been easy because of the other girl, I’ve cried and I’m still hurt real bad. But I told him that I need my own place because this situation is not working for me and my growth. He doesn’t want to let me go but still doesn’t want to commit, so I decided to make the decision myself and do whatever it takes to walk away and do what’s best for me and our child.
Thank you for the update. Sorry it’s been hard for you 
don’t go back!
I just left my narcissistic boyfriend and it hurts like hell
It hasn’t been easy. It’s been almost 3 months and believe me, I’m not thinking the same way I was thinking in the beginning, I’m seeing things more clear. I’m seeking professional help, my psychologist is amazing and he has helped me a lot. I have no friends where I live nor family, I’ve been doing this raw on my own with the help of God and the willing to find myself and love myself. It has been a journey and I know there’s a lot that I need to accomplish in order for me to move forward and move on. It’s harder when I live with him and have a child together. But I’m working on moving out and be financially independent. It’s going to take time. But I took this journey to grow and work on myself because I lost myself in the process of loving him.
That must be pretty hard living and having a child with him but know you will make it out of this so much stronger! I’m having a hard time and I’m on day 1. It hurts so much but I’ve been praying about it.
Keep praying!!! You’ll be fine and the pain will go away, specially when you know you didn’t do anything, that right there, is the best thing. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, he was the one that hurt me and do all the painful things to me. We got this!!!.
Yes we got this! We are healing TOGETHER!! I’m just a PM away. Please reach out, I hope we can be here for each other.
I know I didn’t do anything wrong in that relationship..hes the one who hurt me. But I will keep praying. I will be praying for you too.
Thank you so much!!. I’ll pray for you too!!. You reach out too!!. We’re not alone, we’re going to get out of this dark cloud together, you’ll see!!. Little by little, day by day. One thing my psychologist told me was to write my goals, I started writing them and it help me a lot. Maybe that can help you too. Let me know.
Thanks 🙏🏻
You are allowed to take some time off, just feel everything as it is and accept it before you let it go. You'll see after a while that everything goes for the better. I was really depressed and lonely after my first boyfriend broke up with me...But it motivated me to find myself again. I know it's hard, just like you said, but it's definitely not impossible!! I read every article on the internet lol, just to find that much wanted closure. Back then I didn't know I still had a long way of figuring ur myself, figuring out what DO I want out of a relationship??? I came across this angelic, eye-opener article breakupangels.com/find-out-... and it really is food for thought... It gave me hope for the future... I wish you the best, dear, take care and always put yourself first 
*Update*Well, since he got home from deployment, over a month ago, it hasn't been easy at all. I was living at his place with our child, he got there and well, we had intimacy, little did I know that he met someone else while deployed and started to have feelings for that other person, while we were going through our problems, well, apparently, he grabbed that as an excuse to sleep with the other chick. While we were trying to figure things out between us, he was still talking to the other one and having sex with her. He used to tell me he wanted us but he wanted her as well. The pain was too much for me that I decided to move out with my child. This has been the most painful thing I have been going through, my soul hurts. Well, he was helping us moving 1,600+ miles away from him and he wasn't happy about it but he wasn't leaving the other chick either, anyways, one night while we were putting stuff together, he received a text from the chick saying that she's pregnant and she doesn't know if the baby is from my baby daddy or her bf, that right there was it, he got aggressive and slapped me HARD, he started to freaked out and saying sorry and that the only hope left between us he messed it up. After that he went back home and we still talk but I feel I need to cut the cord because this is hurting me a lot, I don't know if he's still talking with the other chick, we don't even know if the kid is his, this whole situation is killing me inside, I've never been through this situation before. I keep working on myself but I still have a long way to go because I know that if I still talk to him I am not loving myself, we need to talk about our child and that's it, but I don't know how to do that because I still love him, I know we shouldn't be together because this whole thing is complicated but man, how do I stop talking to him?, if he doesn't text me, my whole day is ruined and I think he's talking to the chick and if I moved this far is to heal, not to think that way, I know it's still soon, it has been only 4 days since I moved out but I think I need to do something and I don't know what. I feel like if I cut communication I can heal faster but at the same time it scares me because he has been my safe place for 12 years and now I don't have that, and I know he messed it up, I never betrayed him nor disrespected him, AT ALL!!, I never did anything wrong here but this pain is real and I need to share it. I hope somebody can help me. Thank you.
Hello its been 9 months? How are you doing? How are you feeling?
I’m doing pretty good, compare with how I was 9 months ago, went through a back and forth phase with my ex but I started to work on myself, started to read more and I found myself again and decided that I want to move forward because I deserve better. Now I know what I’m looking for and I don’t want to go back to my ex.
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