This is just a useless rant on my feelings. I figured writing it down may make me feel a bit better. I recently opened up to my parents about dealing with depression and anxiety. Although they only have a vague idea of the severity of it all. They took me out on a nice little day getaway and I know they did it so I can get out and do something relaxing. We went to areas with water, walked around, and had a nice lunch at a park. Although I found it relaxing, in my mind all I could think about was how exhausting it is being out. I was joking and laughing with them but I feel guilty because on the inside it’s not entirely what I feel. The feeling of sadness just creeps up on me and lingers in the back of my mind no matter what I do to distract myself. I feel really guilty that they think I am having a great time when In reality I’m having a “okaysih time.” I feel like I’m a fake and a disappointment of a child. I feel like I’m always pretending to the people around me and it only gets more tiring
I feel like a fake : This is just a... - Anxiety and Depre...
I feel like a fake
I really feel you... everything seems so dull and it’s becoming hard to feign interest 
I know I’m bumming everyone out
exactly! I feel so guilty pretending that I am enjoying something especially around my family
I know this feeling all too well. I feel lonely a lot even when i’m around people. It’s very odd but it does get exhausting. I’m not very social much because I never know what to say sometimes but I think I just have a fear of being judged negatively so I think that may be why I feel this way. You’re not a disappointment but i’m glad you opened up to you’re parents about this. That is a very brave thing to do. You’re most definitely not alone!
thank you for your kind words. I am just so exhausted from constantly pretending, I seem to be on a constant decline
Of course💕 Just let them know how you really feel though. Might feel better getting that off of your chest. You don’t always have to pretend but do you see a therapist?
No. I thought about it but I am extremely uncomfortable the idea of talking to someone about my feelings face to face
It was weird for me at first too and I felt uncomfortable but they aren’t there to judge you or make you feel uncomfortable! Their job is to help you and they understand. They basically have went to school and studied this stuff to have better understanding of it to help people. There’s no shame in going to therapy and seeking help. Therapy has helped me and I hope eventually you go and talk to someone because it truly does help💕
If you don't do anything to change then nothing will change.
Yes I understand that. I am working on other things to try to help me improve. I have visited a doctor and started medication but I just don’t feel I’m ready to be that open with my parents, and very hesitant about therapy although I have definitely looked into it and considered it. I just don’t feel I’m ready for that, it took a lot for me to even see a doctor in the first place so therapy seems very frightening to me
Seeing a therapist can be very scary, but once you find the right one (yes sometimes it takes a few tries) you look forward to seeing them. I hate meeting new people or opening up to others. I put off seeing a therapist for awhile because I had some bad experiences with previous therapists (nothing horrible, just felt like they didn't really care what I had to say) and I didn't want to rehash my whole life story to a stranger. But then I found the therapist I'm working with now and I absolutely love her and I'm more comfortable telling her things than even my family or best friend. Also, just know that a lot of therapists have been in our shoes or are dealing with their own mental health issues. They know how much it sucks to be depressed and anxious, and they've found a way to cope so they want to help others find a way too. But definitely go at your own pace and don't force yourself if you're not ready. One suggestion is to find a therapist that does telehealth (which a lot are doing because of COVID), so at least you're not completely face to face, you have that computer screen barrier and you will be in your own space which may be more comfortable than a therapist's office. Good luck and I wish you the best!
This might be a very cynical point of view, but I always felt uncomfortable talking to therapists face-to-face as well, until I realized that they probably see so many patients that they really don't think about me enough to really remember me or judge me. Why else would they need those charts? I got that idea one night when I was really depressed and anxious at my bartending job, and realized that all my customers, even the regular ones, were little more than a sea of faces to me. Since having that mindset going to a therapist has been a little easier.
I agree... If you can, let them know how you really feel. I always think twice about telling my mom when I'm feeling anxious with my heart racing and short of breath. I don't like to bother her because she's prone to anxiety as well. But sometimes I just feel so crappy that I blurt it out because I just need someone to know what I'm currently feeling so I don't feel alone with it. I always feel better & can handle it better once I've said something. Knowing that someone knows that my heart is racing, that I feel short of breath and have this horrible fear right at the moment that it's happening, makes it easier to deal with.
There are NEVER useless rants. So now that is cleared up. It's very important to always share what you are going through and how you are feeling. The worst thing we can do to ourselves in let everything build up until we become resentful or angry. And during that time, setting boundaries are very important as well! We are here for you.
I totally empathize with you. I have been there. I have let very few people in on my A&D. I was a middle school teacher and we were not “allowed” to have bad days. The stress was enormous. While my depression was diagnosed 30 years ago in college, I never did the work with myself to face it until later. Codependency and shame ruled my life. I was so codependent on the success of my students and my classroom, that it ate away at me. It became my identity.
I lasted 15 years. Teachers with mental health issues were “coached out” or forced out of the profession, not given support. I had to fake it. I had, what I can only describe as “evil” administrators. I left that job with no plan B. In those years, however, my fear of failing often came out with my therapist as feeling like a fake. The fear of being “found out” was intense. I don’t even know what they would find out. I needed help? I was a crappy teacher? (I wasn’t. We had top in state test scores.)
I really struggle with identity. I crash and burn when I have too many external stressors.
I do think the feeling you are having is common with many of us. We try to fit into social norms when in public and may not hold it together when alone. My advice to you is to not give up. It may start feeling more normal and help you create that foundation. Do some reading on Identifying and overcoming shame. I find it is the root of many issues. Find your triggers. Find your releases.
Good luck. Keep at it.
thank you for sharing that. It’s nice to hear I am not alone in what I am feeling
I can definitely relate to you. A lot of the time, with my friends, I feel this pressure to not be “too depressed,” or they’ll get sick of me. And putting on the mask of “everything’s fine!” can be exhausting. About a month ago I went to the beach with my mom and even though it was nice to be out of the house, I still felt totally empty and wanted to leave early. Other people don’t really get how overwhelming it can be just to act “normal.”
Yes, lately I definitely feel overwhelmed trying to act fine. Not only am I uncomfortable speaking my feelings out but the last thing I want to do is make my family worry
I had over bearing parents as a child. They made their expectations of me known and left little room for me to find my own positive feelings around my own decisions. I’m almost 50 and still find myself apprehensive to feel good about a big decision like religion or partner without considering their judgement. It’s bullshit. But could this be something you struggle with ? Eg you said something about feeling that you’re a disappointment as their child... I find that my depression is something I feel the most when I want people to recognize I’m hurting but I often don’t have the words to express it or have true acknowledgement from others I am in deep sadness and it’s a way for your mind to cope.
My parents are very supportive in every decision I have ever made. I guess I feel as if I’m a disappointment because if I do tell them how I feel I worry they may take blame for it somehow and I love my parents so much. The last thing I would want is for them to feel is guilty or bad
You are not a disappointment. You just wanted to be polite and we all do that at times with people. Depression is real, just like cancer or anything else. Society has not caught up yet. I kept mine a secret too. I felt and often feel like you do, because depression makes us feel tired. I do not have much to talk about either and do not have friends. Do you think you can talk about it in more detail with your parents? Also, do you have a therapist that might be able to help you start the conversation? You're not alone. You are worthy and we're here for you. ((Hug)))
Yes, I also don’t have many friends to express what I am going through so it gets hard. I don’t have a therapist but I think I will have to overcome my discomfort and get one because I can’t seem to manage on my own. Thank you, it is nice to here I am not alone in this and people like you are here for me. It really means a lot
Find one who you're comfortable with. I would setup a few consults with different therapists to see who you click with. When you find the right therapist who you feel comfortable talking to, you'll feel good.
Don't feel alone. If felt that way for years. It's got to the point to where I cannot enjoy anything, and don't want anything but to sleep. That's depression for ya.
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